Step families

[Louw12345]

Ok so I have 5 girls ages from 5 to 14and my partner has a girl (not biological age 5) a bio son age 3

The kids have all come together nicely as they do. Our 5 year olds are very different as you would expect with mine having older siblings they tend to be more advanced socially.

So we get alot she won't play with me. But I hear how my partners daughter asks them to play it gos like this, also while they are already doing something. Come on let's go and play upstairs. My kids say I don't want to play I'm colouring or watching tv or playing with this would you like to join in.

No I want to play upstairs. It's not fair no one ever plays with me. She will then come and tell me that the girls won't play even thou iv heard everything I will go and check it out.
Ohh the girls are playing something already why don't you join in with them then they will play your game. No I want to play upstairs and they won't play with me. So I said you go and play upstairs then and they will come when they are already, off she stomps shaming her feet moaning.

Well this is something that happens every time and my children have stopped what they are doing to play with her. Iv told them they should not do that as she is getting her own way, and they definitely won't not do the same for their sisters.

So I get a facebook message off his ex today asking if we can talk. Asked how the weekend went etc. I said fine then I got a essay saying

Well it could not of been fine coz my daughter says she's left out all the time your girls etc calling my partner and all that.

Ok now I know we want our kids to be happy but I either think the child knows how to push mums buttons or mums over reacted.

She says she doesn't want to come anymore but neither children ever want to leave here or their nannas.
Anyway replied with if she doesn't want to come that's up to her but we will miss her and left it at that oh she did a thumbs up up to.

Anyway it really annoyed me so I mess aged back stating that all the kids played together apart from that one time and they was making things with the toilet roll tube. I also told her that 4 of mine where out for most of the day today and the one that was left did play with her.

So thrn the messages became nicer saying that maybe she was just tired.
And that it upsets her when people won't play with her and as a mother I'm sure you will understand.

Is this going to be the norm? Every time they go home

Sorry so long but this makes me worry but I'm not making my kids play if they don't want to

Does you partner agree with you that it's up to her if his 5 year old chooses not to come anymore? Or is that just you?

I think you are doing really well, you can't start treating her differently from the others, it would cause resentment all round. She isn't being left out at all but choosing not to join in, she will eventually get bored of that : )

Firstly, your five year old is not more advanced socially because of having older siblings. Biggest load of rubbish on the planet, she's a five year old, and while the dynamic of the number of children you have means that she has had to become used to being told no on a more regular basis,it simply means that she's had to get used to that.

Secondly, it strikes me as interesting that the child you've taken against is the one who is not biologically your partner's, which means that technically she could say she doesn't want to come any more and her mum may well uphold that on the basis that your DP isn't biologically her father. Except if he has her as well as his biological child for contact he is clearly a good father in that he treats this child as his own and biology or not that isn't going to change that and neither should it. Lastly, to a five year old, constantly being told "yes we'll play with you but only if you play what we're playing," probably does feel as if no-one wants to play with her. Because they don't do they? They're happy for her to join in their activities but don't want to do what she wants to do. all the children need to learn to compromise sometimes if they're going to live harmoniously together, but look at it from her perspective. She's going to stay at a house where there are numerous other children, all of whom are siblings, and all of whom appear to say no to her. And shes not even biologically related to any of the parents, so finding her identity as a five year old in the middle of all that must be incredibly tough.

Cut the child some slack, and try not to lose sight of the fact that this is a five year old you're talking about here.

@lunar1 my partner has become used to it there are many times that he hasn't seen her. ( her mum told her he isn't real dad and said she didn't have to see him, she she didn't for about 3 weeks this was along time ago )

I would love her to still come and spend time with them all but if her mum is saying it's her choice there isn't much I can do. My partner says he's been here many times before with his daughter and her mum.

@TheRealBiscuitAddict
I put that she is not biologically his to explain. Her son also had an issue with wanting to play but she didn't bring him up. Just in her words ' My daughter' and started going on one. When I explained I got the she must of be tired.

She moaned her daughter was playing with a toilet roll tube. My kids where to. Do you kids make things? I know alot of kids do we do so more near Christmas making things. But her reaction was like she's sat making friends with a toilet roll tube.

So she didn't sit and listen to her daughter jumped to conclusions just like you have saying she is 'constantly'

Yes he is her father but his ex does this alot. That is another reason I brought it up. His access is every weekend Friday to sunday but on her terms. He has his son but not his daughter when she feels like it.

She was not contently told that at all. They had all been playing together from 8am till 10am then they did their own thing for an hour then played again and 2 of my younger 2 went to a party and my youngest played with her.

she can't demand people play with her and cry. I understand she is upset that they don't want to play but what am I ment to do; it's not like they don't play with her at all they do it was one in a whole day.

When my girls have a party she said Aww I want to go. I say you can't darling your not invited to the party it's their friends from school. She then says it's not fair I want to go you never let me go to any party my mummy would let me go my mummy let's me do anything I want.

Honestly what do i do I explained why she couldn't go.

My kids do compromise they aren't aloud to play out on the street when they are here. They also play with them when they want to watch their favourite TV show etc. There's compromise and then theres letting her get her own way. I don't allow it from mine either coz it's not like mine have never said it etc.

@TheRealBiscuitAddict I think your post is a bit harsh, though I agree she probably is struggling to find her place.

If all of the children were natural siblings, there's no way anybody would think it was bad that they didn't drop what they were doing to play what she wants to instead.

OP, maybe you could find some things she enjoys and then encourage everyone to do it all together? Maybe watch her favourite film, or do some painting/drawing, whatever she likes?

You children probably are sticking together a bit as it's more comfortable, and unfortunately this does leave her a bit on the outside at times. Maybe a little intervention from you to guide the activities will help them to bond with her and the issue will fade. :)

@TheRealBiscuitAddict
Another example it was my twins holy communion and we had a party they obviously got lots of presents etc.

His daughter said awww I wish I had one of them ( think it was a necklace they got for present), and I was like its pretty isn't it maybe daddy could get you one for your birthday, she said no I want this one, I want it now and started getting it out of the box. When her dad took it from her and explained that it wasn't hers, she shouted saying it's fair that they get presents and she doesn't.

I haven't gone into this with my eyes closed I knew he had kids and we do well normally. But the I want behaviour is not acteptable.

my partner has always said she is treated different than his son by his ex and their family and now I'm starting to understand what he means.

My partner is her dad but this is only when it suits mum his son doesn't spend much time with her family and doesn't get invited to family parties coz he's the only boy and he won't like it his ex says even if if asks if he can go.

@Bibidy
One of my girls loves boys toys she won't play with her sisters if they are playing with barbies or shopkins but she will play with my partners daughter. They are doing all the can but they also still need to be theit own people? And play with what they have an interest in? 10 hours they had together on sunday and 1 hour of that started all this coz they didn't want to play for that one hour.

Tbh I'm lost to what to do as I feel if the kids have to do something they don't want to because they cry, they then might not want them to come which would be alot harder to try and resolve.

@Bibidy
Also it isn't just my kids she says it about. if they play out on the front ( live on estate and have a field infront of the house) with upto to say 7 kids. she will come running in saying they won't play my game I want to play mums and dads and no one will play with me.

There's 10 kids to please at this point how do I make 10 kids 7 that aren't mine play mums and dads? Especially when they are all already playing something and have been doing for hours.

@Bibidy
Playing out is a recent thing I didn't want them to coz I thought they where too young but my partner said it's fine (got sick of the moaning I suppose ) so we are talking about say 6 weeks. And it's the same every time.

Now I totally understand I may sound like I'm against her I'm not. We all get on lovely she loves helping me around house and will come and chat with me when I'm making tea etc. She drew some lovely pictures over the weekend and made pictures for my girls to.

But if you want to colour why can't you colour on your own?
If she has her dad's phone to watch a cartoon no one can watch it with her. if my kids have my phone she has to watch it with them or she cries.

Can you see where I am coming from now?

It's hard to keep 5 kids happy and then see to 2 teenagers but we can only do our best. If her mum didn't accuse my kids of being tight I probably wouldn't of come in here.

Her mum sees the only solution is to give her the option wheather she wants to come or not.

Hand on heart I think this is what she has been wait in for. Coz she didn't let her come when they starting staying over just his son.
When she did come ot was halloween we had a family get together at mine it was lovely the kids got to meet the rest of the family. Then his daughter didn't come for the next 2 weeks, during this time she also didn't see her nanna who was very upset.

I honstly don't think it's my children that make her feel pushed out I think it's her mother and what she says to her.

His son is being off with me and he is normally fine. if I ask him to brig his dinner plate in he says no. But has managed to do it every other time.

I'm. Unsure what to think or but I'm going to suggest my partner stay at his home with them one weekend and see if that eases anything.

How on earth does she manage at school? It sounds really tough for you.

I don't think it sounds like you're against her at all OP, to be honest it sounds like perhaps everyone may be worrying a little too much about her.

5 year olds can be temperamental. As she gets to know everyone better, she'll probably find her place and she'll get to know what each of the other kids enjoy so she'll know who will play what with her. It's a period of adjustment for all of you.

Maybe you could do a day out somewhere with everyone or something like that?

It actually sounds like her own dm is the one making divisions between the dc!! Keeping 'her dd' away when it suits her is making her feel insecure at your house. Maybe the dd thinks when she doesn't visit its is down to you and her df?

@Bibidy
Yes we are planning a day out we are looking for something that will be good for all ages that covers team activities. I understand it will take time, plus she is the only the girl at home so I guess when my are helping out to like setting the table it will hard for her to share that.

@Nomoresunshine
We have done everything she has asked like me meeting her, telling her when I would meet the kids (to which she didn't drop them off that day).and when they would start staying over (this was a year ago so why is there only a problem now). To letting her drop the kids off at mine one might (said she would be there at 5pm didn't turn up till gone 9pm).

Aww I hope not that would be so sad. Next time I see her I'm going to have a chat with her. If it's been a while I going to tell her that I have missed her etc and hope it will help her with her insecurities.

@Nomoresunshine the times she has not seen her dad she had been with her mums family so why is his son not spending time with is mums family to?