It's just so hard...

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

I know I signed up to be a step-parent. But our kids were older when we got together, so I thought there may be less issues (wrong). His two DD's seems to resent me having their dad, despite now being 26 and 17, and dad being apart from mum a couple of years before we met. In his defence he is very good with my DD (19). But my DSD's just seem to be very needy... Younger one is emotionally immature for her age, and is struggling with her college course. Instead of saying this, she keeps demanding to be taken home early from her work placement etc, and is now wanting to change work placements. I really can't see this is going to solve the problem, as this will be the 3rd placement... I want her to be happy, and we are both fully supportive of her changing course if need be, but XW seems to think that all this picking her up early stuff (last week it was due to a hangover) will solve the problem. I know it won't, and is risking damaging references etc. DH agrees with me, but needs to develop a bit more backbone where XW is concerned. I realise this is a DH problem. She was wanting him to fit a cooker for him a couple of days before our wedding (not local btw...her or the wedding) and she doesn't seem to understand the XW bit, and that she doesn't get domestic dibs on him.

I signed up for the stepmum thing too. Just because we signed up for it doesn't mean we aren't allowed to say it's bloody hard work and some days we wish we hadn't. It's the hardest job in the world with very little support and recognition.

As for it getting easier as they get older. No way, it's getting harder by the day!

Sorry i'm not able to offer any firm advice but please don't think you're alone.

Let her fail the course? It really isn't your fault she won't stick to it.

Could do Idon't. Just think that the beginning of the college year is a good time to jump courses if she needs to do that. Doesn't seem they're getting any better Sunshine, older one is getting divorced from a Knob and New man seems to be a knob too...

How long have you been together?

I'm not a step parent but a parent but IME there is a difference when they're older because when they're younger the other parent often seems to have more of a say i.e. Being the one to communicate with the NRP re issues around the children whereas once they become teens that parental involvement between children and parents should reduce but of course then the children are old enough to express their own views.

With regard to the daughter dropping out of her work placement, I would expect the dad to make his views known but at seventeen neither parent is really in a position to have much of a say. So I'd just leave him to it with regard to having conversations about it with his ex.

If they are resentful of you then they should be talking to their dad about that, and Although they may mention the reasons to their mum and she may choose to divulge those to him, ultimately the conversations need to be happening between him and them.

It's harder when they're older because their opinions are generally their own so can be harder to face iyswim. Having said that, there is a tendency for it to be assumed that not liking the step parent is down to the ex's involvement when they're younger and this can have its own drawbacks.

My DC disliked my ex's partner from the outset and made that known to me. I had to communicate that with him because the dislike manifested in DC no longer wanting to go there. Now that he's older he's made his views known to his dad and the reasons have become more apparent and what could previously be brushed under the carpet as me having an input has had to be taken more seriously iyswim.

He needs to communicate with his children, and from your part you need to realise that sometimes children, even adult ones, aren't necessarily going to be on board with the idea that their parents have found new partners. The only thing I would insist on is politeness on their part. My DC don't have to like the SM, and they do have very valid reasons for not liking her, however I still expect him to have respect and be polite to her in her home.

I get you, and needy children when adults are the hardest I've found in a step parenting arrangement. It's the kids who are growing well and finding their own independence that are not so hard going. Kids also take after their mothers often! If she is used to getting stuff from your DP then the kids will just follow suit.

All my DPs kids are like this... except the mature one. She has her own life to lead. But the needy one, the older, one, has dropped out of Uni after being ferried there and back every day by DP, who also bought all her books and sorted everything out for her. She's remained a child and now has a job of 5 hours a week and living at her mums, yet she's 22 years old.

Nothing much you can do except say when it interferes with your time!

We',ve been together 4 yrs. I've tried hard with both of them, but the older one has been quite rude at times, and I have put my foot down about this. Unfortunately the college placement affects DH as he has to pick her up one day a week, and also to get her back from work placement. To give an example, the last work placement was not organised by XW or SD, and they were reluctant to let us help. In the end no placement was arranged, and eventual placement was organised by XW's DP (you still following me?) but it meant a return trip of about 2 hrs by DH to get her there...so they don't/won't organise things, but then it impacts both of us WRT practical arrangements.

That's beyond annoying.

It is...I just wish I could stop giving it so much headspace. If it continues to have the same amount, one incident is still causing upset when the next thing happens, iuswim, so no real rest from it.

It sounds like you coming into his live has triggered quite a change in their lives I.e less attention and they don't like it because they've gained nothing from it. It can happen quite a bit when a man meets someone and can change a lot quickly as a result.

It's normal there should be changes but if they feel that he is like a totally different person and getvthe impression that he follows your views and advice which is different to what they think it would have been otherwise they will inevitably resent you.

I would really step back and let your OH think for himself. He wants to pick her up his choice. He decides he doesn't he explains to her what his views are but how he is still supporting her 100%.

Interesting points Swing. I haven't thought of it that way before. I do know that he was a complete pushover before, also with his brother and sister, which has caused no end of trouble. I realise, rationally, that it's all much better if I leave the room while these very laborious phone conversations take place, and just let him get on with it. And yes, I should only object when it affects me directly. Thanks everyone for input!