Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

His ex is seriously brainwashing DSD against our newborn

39 replies

PeppersTheCat · 07/09/2017 10:20

Ever since I got pregnant, my partner's ex seems to have launched a campaign to alienate DSD (age 7) from us. She got the child arrangements order changed from 50/50 to every other weekend. The courts did this on the grounds that the two parents cannot get along. She also changed the school to a school on her doorstep but far away from where we live.

My baby is 3 weeks old, and today DSD told us that her mother said her father requested the change in child contact and school change because of the new baby!! (Totally UNTRUE; My DP fought for months to keep his daughter!)

We are upset, scared and fuming. Tried phoning social services but they didn't care. We've gone from having 50-70% contact to every other weekend, and now this!

Do we have any course of action available to us?

OP posts:
HelloSquirrels · 07/09/2017 10:26

social services wont be interested, as much as its completely the wrong course of action and wholly irresponsible they won't get involved.

You could try and take the ex to mediation / court. Probably court if she is not willing to talk about this like an adult. Considering that every other weekend access has already been ordered i don't know how easy this would be to change. But it's worth a try for 50/50 again. To be honest its really frowned upon when people try to alienate the other parent so on that aspect they would maybe reconsider the order?

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 07/09/2017 10:31

She has always refused mediation. In fact, we have bare minimum contact with her - a few text messages (and most of the time she does not reply to even simple requests, such as the return of a school uniform).

OP posts:
HelloSquirrels · 07/09/2017 10:50

yes, i know the feeling. I would probably (in my limited knowledge) suggest taking her back to court. I think if she has refused mediation you can apply to take her to court as long as you've proved you have tried the mediation.

it's worth a try!

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 07/09/2017 10:53

Any idea on court costs?

OP posts:
HelloSquirrels · 07/09/2017 10:58

i think its about £215 initially for a court order, but depends whether you self represent or use a solicitor etc...

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 07/09/2017 13:59

Sounds as if there is more to this. Firstly, if they've changed the child arrangement order there will be more to it than just that the parents don't get on. Child arrangements are done in the best interests of the child, and they're not going to just remove some contact because one parent doesn't get on with the other. They're ex's. Chances are they're not going to get on, iyswim.

Secondly, if she has told her dd that her dad changed the arrangement because of the baby she is obviously out of order, however to ring social services because of it is a seriously aggressive and OTT response. Of course social services don't care, why should they? what exactly is it you expect them to do?

The two of them need to start to learn to communicate rather than snipe at each other through their child.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 07/09/2017 14:40

Of course social services don't care, why should they? what exactly is it you expect them to do?

It's emotional abuse, is it not?

OP posts:
TheRealBiscuitAddict · 07/09/2017 15:27

Well it's pretty shit but not emotional abuse no. It's certainly not something which would warrant social services' intervention. If he had a case to challenge the change in contact he would presumably go to mediation or court in which case the mediator or judge would make it clear to her that using her child in that way was unacceptable.

But tbh a call to social services in response to having contact reduced seems more like an act of spite to me. If he has parental responsibility he would have some say in which school she attended, the ex couldn't just move the DD without his say-so. So on what grounds have they agreed to a reduction in contact?

Mustang27 · 07/09/2017 16:04

What a shitty thing for her to do. I have no advice just sorry that your poor step daughter is having to deal with this at 7.

stitchglitched · 07/09/2017 16:45

I remember your other threads. There is a lot more to this. Your partner is highly abusive and he had tried to move her school without informing his ex and she even had to get an occupation order to get you and he out of her home so she could get back in. Why shouldn't the child attend school close to where she lives the majority of the time?

stitchglitched · 07/09/2017 16:53

It sounds to me like the ex has taken steps to safeguard her daughter by getting her away from her father's household as much as possible. Calling her emotionally abusive based on one statement that could have been misinterpreted by a young child is over the top, considering your partner's behaviour.

I do hope you and your baby are safe and being well supported.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 07/09/2017 16:54

Ah, it's that poster? Knew there was more to it with the reduction of access

In that case a call to SS would definitely have been out of spite then.

swingofthings · 07/09/2017 17:05

Haha these threads when it is obvious there is a lot more to the story but the OP writes in a way to make it sound like that are the victim of a deranged ex (or SM when it's the ex writing).

SandyY2K · 07/09/2017 17:13

I would get him to tell DSD that he wants her to come over more often like before and he is always happy to have her.

His Ex is probably jealous about the baby. Many women become jealous when their Ex has a new baby.

Janeismymiddlename · 07/09/2017 17:17

Many women become jealous when their Ex has a new baby

Yeah. Men too. But if they have half a brain they don't fight fire with fire. Social Services. FFS.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 07/09/2017 17:21

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2983872-Is-this-normal-for-stepfamily-life

I know that it's generally not encouraged to link previous threads (sorry am on phone so can't link properly) however there is a back story here which is very relevant and gives a more accurate picture of how things are.

The partner is abusive, has a long history of domestic violence, has previously threatened the OP, threatened to take away the baby, has told her he doesn't want to be bringing up her kids, OP has been on ADs and social services were already involved with the DSD but because of the father not the mother.

If anything I'd have taken the dsd as far away from the father as was humanly possible if I were the mother. I'd imagine that what she told the DSD is in fact true, and although it's absolutely not ideal for parents to be painting each other in a bad light in front of the children, the father is by no means an innocent victim here in fact he is clearly an abusive cunt who the OP and her newborn would do well to get away from asap.

Oswin · 07/09/2017 17:33

OP come on its obvious the contact was reduced because of him. He's abusive. Your household is not a good place for kids.

Underthemoonlight · 07/09/2017 19:08

I just realised which poster this is now! Course the ex is a complete and utter nutter op Hmm serisouly I would be removing yourself and you're dc on current situation with your dp.

SandyY2K · 07/09/2017 21:23

Yeah. Men too. But if they have half a brain they don't fight fire with fire. Social Services. FFS.

I'm not sure why the hostility. I was simply providing an opinion on why the Ex was doing this and don't condone it in any way.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 08/09/2017 00:23

Oh this is then a sad case. OP if this is true you really do need to leave. Please contact an agency and talk this through. His Ex must have gone through hell (I haven't read the other thread).

It's weird but my initial thoughts were - why is there such a possessiveness over the step child? It sounds as if she is having a solid base with her mum which is probably a good thing for her when there is an extra adjustment with the baby.

However now in light of domestic abuse I'm actually surprised, maybe I'm naive but how do men have weekend access to their kids when they've abused their partners? Why would it be good for a child who has no say to have to stay with someone who consistently hurt their own mother?

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 08/09/2017 11:04

It sounds as if she is having a solid base with her mum which is probably a good thing for her when there is an extra adjustment with the baby.

Her mum told DSD that the reduction in contact was REQUESTED by her father because of the new baby. Total lies and very damaging for DSD. I can't believe you guys are defending her.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 08/09/2017 11:38

Perhaps she thought that was better than saying your father is an abusive arsehole and I want to keep you safe. I can't believe you are defending him.

stolemyusername · 08/09/2017 12:37

I can't believe you're defending him. Wake up to who he is before he hurts you further.

Oswin · 08/09/2017 13:10

OP you know your home is bad for children.
You know what he is. I can't believe you allow him round your children as is it is. At least the ex has some sense.

unfortunateevents · 08/09/2017 13:29

OMG, if a fraction of your previous thread is true (and presumably it is as why would you write it otherwise?) your poor DSD should not be anywhere near your so-called "partner". You have far worse problems to focus on than the reduction in contact with him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread