Help - I feel invisible...

[user1479814544]

Hi all,

ive been with my partner now almost 2 years. She has 4 kids - 12, 16, 18 & 21. I moved in with her coming up to 1 year now.

I am finding that her kids just don't want to engage in any sort of conversation with me or even register my existence when I am around. I do try to make an effort to talk to them but usually get just a single word response or the impression that they do the bare minimum to reply to me. When my partner is around all they seem to do is say mum and direct conversations to her and never include me. At meal times they just talk to each other or just sit in silence. I do try to start a conversation but its usually the standard silence, one word answer or they just sarcastically respond. Is this normal? What is the problem?

We have been on two holidays with the kids (which has cost me a fortune) and they have never once said thanks to me. They also seem to talk about other people ie the partner of my other half's friend with more enthusiasm.

I've tried my hardest to try to bond with them but I am just not feeling comfortable at all. I asked my partner if they like me and she says that they do but I have to say I ain't feeling it.

Its really affecting me now that I am actually seeking my own space to get away from them and dread when they are around. Its also starting to affect how I feel about the relationship with my partner.

Help please...

Didn't want to not reply as that sounds like a pretty rotten existence. No real advice other than to ask your partner again. They're all at such varying ages, so I wouldn't say it's just a teenage thing.

How did you come to be with their mum? I assume she was single when you met? How do you feel about your relationship with her now?

I have had this too, you are not imagining it and it sounds like you are making the effort. I think it can be harder with more step kids, as they all can tend towards an insular herd mentality. I had this, it was like they were betraying an unspoken loyalty by making the effort with me.

One thing worth trying to going out or doing an activity individually with each step kid. Break them out of the group silence.

Another is directly asking them for some appreciation for what you do. Although I did this and it seemed to increase resentment for older ones, but did seem to get through to the younger ones.

It's very isolating isn't it. Does your wife notice or is she just pretending it doesn't exist? My DP still pretends it doesn't exist or worse, ended up blaming me as 'I must have done something' or it was 'just a personality clash'. Neither are true for me or I imagine for you. This is not normal behaviour - there is some kind of misplaced loyalty or barrier behind it. It would be difficult to imagine a whole family ignoring even a lodger for so long! But you are the step Dad, that has underlying issues that get triggered...

Thanks for your replies, I do appreciate your help.

some more background. Her ex recently died and they were divorced when I met. The ex didn't have much to do with them.

Yes she was single when we met and honestly I don't know at the moment how I feel about the relationship.

I have tried to do things individual with them.

Was their dad sick before he died? To be honest if you have been there under a year and they have just lost their dad I don't think there is much you can do right now as they are already dealing with so much. They are all very young to lose a parent.

Hi OP, I have one DD who is 19. Her father left when I was pregnant so she has never had any kind of contact or relationship with him. Your post struck a chord with me as, although I didn't have any relationships or introduce anyone to DD before she was 11, she has been pretty much as you describe your partner's children to the three men she has met since then. I thought I was doing the right thing but I'm not sure that there is a "right way" of doing it. DD is better now (I am in a serious relationship) as she's at university and very much has her own life. Before, when she was at school, I could feel the resentment prickling if a boyfriend of mine was around - I've never had anyone so much as stay the night when she's here, as I respect "her space" (again, this may be wrong and giving her too much control).

My partner of a year is incredibly thoughtful and respectful of her and her snide comments are less than they have been in the past. I do think that when there is only one parent on the scene, there's an underlying fear that you only have one person in your camp, and any time given to anyone else is somehow diluting your relationship (I assume this is how DD felt). She admits now that she was unreasonable and we have a good relationship - she also appreciates what my DP does for her (e.g. driving her 240 miles back to university).

I'd say hang in there and give it some time. Your partner must feel torn with divided loyalties. Be civil to them but not obsequiously so as then they have more of the power, if you know what I mean.