Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Adult Step Child

35 replies

Susie1q · 04/09/2017 20:42

I am new here I need some help please I have a 24 year old step son who has lived with us for 8 years it has been a constant battle with him to keep his room clean and tidy it is fility he throws everything including food waste packets etc on the floor there are clothes all over the floor the bedroom has not been vacumed for 7 months until I went in there last week and vacumed it causes real problems as I cannot stand living like this my DH says dont worry about it he pays £100 a month for that room ignore it I cannot I live in this house it my home and the thought of his room makes me ill. His girlfriend is coming to live here as well for 2 years never asked if it was ok just presumed she is coming from abroad I am dreading it. I have told him so many times I have taken photo's and put the on FB to try and shame him nothing works I am getting to the point where I want to say leave my DH thinks I pick on him and should say nothing am i in the wrong thanks

OP posts:

Boatmistress17 · 04/09/2017 20:43

4 adults in your home isn't going to be a life for anyone ime.
Suggest to dh he helps ds +gf find a flat share or similar.
Your relationship may depend on it.

Wdigin2this · 04/09/2017 22:12

Put your foot down NOW and say....no bloody way!
This DSS is a grown man, not only should he have by now, sorted out accommodation of his own, if he wants a live in girlfriend, then he'd better find a place to live in with her!!
Your DH is being totally unreasonable, why should you live in your home knowing there's a filthy room upstairs....I certainly couldn't!
I think its ultimatum time....tell them both that you will not continue living in the house, under theses circumstances. Inform them that DSS has one month to find his own place....or you will move out!
I think the response you get from your DH, will tell you everything you need to know about the state of your marriage!

swingofthings · 05/09/2017 06:01

On one hand: He is an adult, you don't like him living there, it's time he moves out and make a home of his own. Maybe then he will appreciate living in respectable conditions.

On the other hand: Your OH likes his son living with him, he sees it that it's his room, which he pays for, so he can do what he wants with it, you don't have to go in and see what state it is in.

No right or wrong really, you just have very different views on the matter. Your OH needs to decide who to please first.

Bonez · 05/09/2017 06:28

Go in and put all his crap on the floor in bin bags and hide them somewhere. Tell him you threw away everything that was on the floor as you assumed it was rubbish. Also, moving his girlfriend in? Absolutely not. Will she be contributing financially to the house?

Original poster

Susie1q · 05/09/2017 13:10

Thanks for all your replies I also need to add my daughter and her boyfriend moved in 8 months ago so they can save for a deposit to move they pay 3 times more than DS because they have a lounge as well she keeps her rooms immaculate which only highlighting the crap hole my DS is living in I am happy for them to all live here as long as they respect our home which the DS is not this has gone on 8 years and now and any time I mention it to my DH he picks on my daughter saying she left a plate in the sink its all winding me up so much thanks for listening

OP posts:

swingofthings · 05/09/2017 15:49

The thing is, if he was a lodger, you couldn't tell him how to keep his room. You would either ignore it and accept that's what comes with the rent money, or you would tell him to get out.

No point in comparing with your DD. She is tidy, he isn't. Why are you going into their bedrooms? My kids room are a totally shame, and yes, it does annoy me, but I find staying away from their room does the trick. Saying that, no way will they still live here when they are 24!

Original poster

Susie1q · 05/09/2017 17:25

If he was a lodger he would be paying more the £25 a week and not be part of a family my daughter leaves her door open my SS I have to go into his room to get plates glasses cups etc or we have none I dont live in a doss house and find it unreasonable after 8 years are asking the room is still like it

OP posts:

swingofthings · 05/09/2017 17:45

The amount he pays is not directly relevant. He pays something and that gives him some right to privacy, which include being messy if he wants. At least that's how he sees it and it would seem so does his dad.

As you've said, it's been like this ever since he's lived with you. Why did you agree for him to stay there when he got a job and it was decided he would pay something? This is when you should have put your foot down.

Winosaurus · 05/09/2017 18:05

Swift are you for real?
He's living like a tramp in their house and he should be respectful of their home whether he's paying rent or not.
My landlord inspects my property on a regular basis (as do most) to ensure I'm keeping his house in immaculate condition... and the OP has to live WITH him and retrieve HER items from his room.
It's not acceptable. He's a 24 year old adult not a 14 year old

swingofthings · 05/09/2017 19:00

If you wanted to keep glasses and plates on the floor and clothes all over and not vacuum for the entire time there is nothing your landlord could do about but give you notice to leave if not in a middle of a fixed term. He certainly couldn't demand that you vaccumed not pick up your dirty dishes.

Many people do live like pigs. If you don't like it ask them to leave. The problem is that OP's partner doesn't seem to behave an issue because he just avoids going in the room.

Winosaurus · 05/09/2017 19:55

My landlord could evict me at short notice and demand I clean the house or charge me for the cost of getting it cleaned.
I can't see how you can think this is even remotely acceptable? This man is also using household items and leaving them filthy in his room and you think he deserves privacy? If he wants privacy he needs to move out.
OP I suggest you and DH set some ground rules about cleanliness now or push for him to move out

Winosaurus · 05/09/2017 20:00

I also pay market value for rent and don't use my landlords belongings

Original poster

Susie1q · 05/09/2017 20:31

I never allowed him to live here he came one weekend and never left I am happy to have him live here I just have come to the end of my tether with the untidyness I am sitting in my living room knowing the room above me is a pigsty he eats packs of food and when finished just chucks the wrapper and contents on the floor I find mouldy food in there all the time we have bought him new furniture so he can put his clothes away no such luck its my home so he should abide by our rules its not a squat and thats what it feels like a doss house. He has the money to move out but says when his girlfriend moves from abroad she wants to live here with us I have told him tonight unless he keeps his room clean then he can move out he thinks its a joke

OP posts:

Hepzibar · 05/09/2017 21:01

Why are you going in his room? Does he go in your bedroom?

Leave it, if he wants to sleep in a festering pit, let him.

Close the door, ignore it. No wonder he thinks it's a joke if you keep going in and clearing up after him.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/09/2017 21:03

I can't imagine having a husband I liked that much that I could cope with this sort of thing! I'd rather live with my daughter (in your situation) and let him live with his son. You could still see each other, but wouldn't have to live together.

Original poster

Susie1q · 05/09/2017 21:20

I go into his room to get all the plates cups and glasses and why should I have rooms in my home that are no go areas to me its not a house share its my home which we pay a high mortage for the room stinks and the smell comes under the door very embarrassing when we have vistors or friends to stay all I wanted was for some tips to try and get him to keep his room clean at least

OP posts:

Winosaurus · 05/09/2017 21:21

Hepzibar because he keeps leaving plates and other things that are for the use of everyone in there I'm assuming? And it's her house, why shouldn't she go in there?

LineysRun · 05/09/2017 21:27

And he thinks a girlfriend will move into a stinkhole like that?

Original poster

Susie1q · 05/09/2017 21:44

She lives in another country far away she came to stay and he kept the room very tidy so it can be done he just chooses not to she is coming to live for a few years I said to him tonight she better not be like it or you both will be finding somewhere new to live

OP posts:

EezerGoode · 05/09/2017 21:49

That's bad ,really bad.what a wanker.24 yrs old as well..it's difficult as yr daughter lives there too....I'd call a family meeting..put up rules on the wall.with a rota for cleaning...charge him a lot more rent..at least £100 a week.dont cook or clean for him ..but say he can pay you an extra £20 a week to pay for a cleaner to do his room...girlfriend must pay too

EezerGoode · 05/09/2017 21:52

Also...yr dh is the problem here..he should not be allowing this disrespectful behaviour from his adult son...14 yrs old ok ,but 24 .no way hosay

Mummaofboys · 05/09/2017 21:59

I agree with your husband, his room his clothes, his filth. If he is happy to live like that let him, he's an adult, shut the door and ignore. I certainly wouldn't be posting pictures of his room, of hoovering it, it's his private place. The girl coming to live with you all us a different matter entirely.

Mumteadumpty · 05/09/2017 22:02

Maybe his girlfriend will encourage tidiness hopefully. How did they meet?

Hepzibar · 05/09/2017 22:04

It's his home. He's not a lodger.

It's fucking mental going into an adults room and 'tidying up'.

Leave him alone, let him live in his room, how he chooses. It's nothing to do with you.

Hepzibar · 05/09/2017 22:07

Maybe his girlfriend will encourage tidiness hopefully

WT actual F does this mean?

Flip

1 2