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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Telling his kids to stop being nosey

19 replies

Firstpotato · 04/09/2017 15:57

So my partner has 2 kids. 8 and 12 yo. They live with their mum and we have recently bought our first home together. Has been a busy couple of weeks trying to get the house sorted. Had the kids over at the weekend and every discussion we tried to have, one of them had butted in. Either asking what we were talking about or asking why we have decided on something. Always having to stop the conversation whilst he explains to them was time consuming and annoying when you have limited time to actually get things done. How do you politely tell a child to butt out? Happy to include them in somethings and even invite them into the conversations but it's getting to the point where they feel they need to know everything and have even suggested what we should be doing. Tried to approach my partner about this but he's on the defensive. I think it's rude to constantly interrupt conversations but he won't ask them to wait if he's already speaking and they get louder if he does say one moment please - which is very rare. Latest example was talking to the new neighbour and has an 8 yo swinging off him so she can ask what was for dinner in 5 hours time.

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MycatsaPirate · 04/09/2017 16:01

Honestly? I'd walk away and leave him to it, find something else to keep you busy while he deals with the kids.

Kids are bloody annoying, even your own. But if he won't deal with it then you can't make him. A lot of other people will tell you the same.

I have had to deal with two dsd's asking how much money Dp makes, how much we have in the bank, constantly wanting to know how much things cost that we have bought. It drove me insane.

If it's things like what's for dinner, I just say 'I don't know yet, will look when I have finished doing x, y, z'. If it's something where they really have no business asking then just raise your eyebrows and ask why they need to know?

There are far too many single parents (of both sexes) who treat their dc like small adults and dump far too much responsibility on their shoulders. They end up knowing the ins and outs of everything and really shouldn't be worrying about anything except what's for dinner.

Have a chat with your dp and say you are concerned if you think the dc are asking about age inappropriate stuff but other than that, let him deal with it.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 04/09/2017 16:01

sorry that's just kids. You can tell them it's rude to interrupt and try and train them but honestly it's best to leave anything even vaguely private until you are alone.

SuburbanRhonda · 04/09/2017 16:05

You need to make it clear to them that they have to wait if adults are talking.

But you also need to make time to chat to them. Perhaps they feel you're always excluding them?

Jaxhog · 04/09/2017 16:07

We used to call my brother 'Mr Why', he asked so many questions. He wanted to know about/question EVERYTHING! It's annoying, but that's kids for you.

As @Mycatsapirate says, leave their dad to it.

CalendulaAndRoses · 04/09/2017 16:11

aaah, maybe they are feeling a little vulnerable as you guys have set up a home together and they are trying desperately to feel included in all of that. TBH I'd cut them, and him, a little slack in this time of transition for them all

user1493413286 · 04/09/2017 16:27

There's nothing wrong with saying to them politely 'wait a second while we finish our conversation' etc but it sounds like they're wanting to be involved in their dad setting up a new house and possibly feeling a bit odd about changes.
Can you give them a job or something to think about like how they want their room to be or say they can have new bed covers etc and get them to research and choose it so they feel involved.

Original poster

Firstpotato · 04/09/2017 16:33

I'm also 30 weeks pregnant so seem to be over thinking things.

When I've been waiting to talk to him about more private things he's asked why and I've told him it's because I feel they would butt in and he won't address it. He told me I was being secretive

They both get our attention when they're with us. Been together about 2 years and this is the first time we've had to try and get things done whilst they're here. Tried to include in the house as in they have their room and can choose how it's decorated. I draw the line at a 12 yo telling me she doesn't like our kitchen idea and we should put the extractor fan somewhere else

With my nieces and nephews I would just tell them to mind their own business but my partner seems more sensitive to how I am with his kids than they are at the moment. Will be interesting to see how he plans on raising a child that is ours as I won't be so quick to check myself on whether or not he agrees with my methods.

OP posts:

Original poster

Firstpotato · 04/09/2017 16:34

We've already lived together for 2 years and they have their own room in our current house too.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 04/09/2017 17:40

I'd suggest keeping the grown up conversations to when they are in bed or when they are not around as much as possible.

When this is not possible, gently saying that their dad and you need to talk about X privately but as soon as you've finished, you/he'll join them with their activities. Then some grown up conversations, they can also be included in, certainly the 12yo.

Magda72 · 04/09/2017 20:31

Oh OP this post made me laugh - & I mean that in a nice way! I can soooo feel your frustration but yes, that's just some kids for you but it is bloody annoying!
My 11 yr old daughter can be like this but is finally getting the message that while she can politely interrupt if she really needs to ask something she has to stop querying my every move!!!
Dps youngest also like this but more so & it melts my head as I don't feel it's my place to stop it. Dp does for the most part but his son is less receptive than my daughter.
As others have said - don't even try to discuss adult stuff when they're around & regarding the other stuff - dinners etc. - just politely tell them to stop interrupting & that you'll discuss it with them when you're ready.
Dps youngest constantly corrects me also & I've just taken to thanking him for his opinion but saying that X is not what I want to do and that as I'm am adult I get to do things as I see fit.
Maybe the Victorians were right - seen & not heard 😂😂😂

Original poster

Firstpotato · 04/09/2017 21:30

Sounds like some of you have had experiences worse than my own 😂

Thank you for the replies!

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SandyY2K · 07/09/2017 21:35

My niece does this and it's annoying. My Dsis ignores or tells her to wait, which results in a huff...but I'm often tempted to tell her it's rude.

PeppersTheCat · 08/09/2017 11:09

I have had to deal with two dsd's asking how much money Dp makes, how much we have in the bank, constantly wanting to know how much things cost that we have bought. It drove me insane.

My DSD (age 7) does this. Why would a 7 year old be interested in adult finances?

Allthebestnamesareused · 08/09/2017 11:21

I do think you need to have a conversation with your DH about "rules" before the baby comes along as there is nothing worse than having your house rules that step children don't have to adhere to eg. staying at the table until everyone finishes, using please and thank you when appropriate. I know it seems a while off but really its only a couple of years away so therefore they need to be in place before they become an issue.

After this amount of time it should be acceptable for you to say DSD?DSS wait until Dad has finished before you interrupt and so on.

As for unhelpful suggestions about decor - just laugh it off and say "not gonna happen" or "Won't work really" or similar.

Bibidy · 08/09/2017 11:31

Hey OP,

Could you not just say something to them yourself at the time?

My SD constantly tries to interrupt, so I just say 'hang on a sec, I'm just talking to X'. No problem.

Next time one of them interrupts, I'd just say 'Hang on a sec, let me just finish talking to your dad and then he can explain to you'.

Hissy · 19/09/2017 14:28

I've had this too. In the end I said "my dear SD, when adults are in the middle of a conversation, you need to wait. I/We/He will be with you in a minute" I took that from a dear teacher friend.

The helpful suggestions.... argh... that's an 11 yo/12yo thing I think. My ds is the same

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 19/09/2017 16:25

I wouldn't wait for your DP, I'd say wait myself, 5 minutes. But I'd keep it at 5 minutes and then give them full attention.

Also, I wouldn't have a hope of a private conversation until their bedtime, and I'd say 80% of the interaction is probably around them when they aren't occupied. Take them out somewhere and break up the day, maybe they are bored.

Heratnumber7 · 19/09/2017 16:30

I take it you don't have your own children OP?

I think asking questions is a sign of intelligence, though I appreciate there is a time and a place.

thethoughtfox · 19/09/2017 18:14

They are interested in your lives. Why is this a negative? They have limited time with their father and demand his time and attention when they are with him. This is normal and healthy.

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