Am I wrong? How to handle in future.

[Mummypigseyelash]

My partners child has just been to visit for a couple of weeks.

Here's a short backstory that probably isn't relevant

He is 15, partner and i haven't been together very long in the grand scheme of things but we have a child, I also have children from a previous relationship. No issues with Mum at all, she is lovely, we don't speak much but no issues at all.

When he was visiting There were a few incidents, general teenage moodiness, there was also a lot of him eating whole packets of things and denying it, and an awful lot of being mean to my dc when nobody was in the room, then the minute i walk in he completely changed and became Mr nice guy again.

I get it, I have kids, I know what they can be like. Each incident I told his dad and allowed him to deal with it as I didn't feel it was my place really. It wasn't too big a deal but his dad wasn't as hot on telling him off as I would be with my dc, again, I get it, due to his sons age and the distance they don't see each other a lot so I let it slide.

Now this is where DP and i had a huge fall out.

His son said some awful things about a child on the TV who had a disability and laughed.

This time I told him off, really told him off. I would have done the same to anyone who said the things he did.

15yo cried, dad comforted him, I was fuming, asked for back up and got an 'I see your point but you really upset him, I don't see him much'. Apparently they also had a conversation later on where DP said to his son he needs to be careful about picking on disabled people in front of me.

Now I don't really want to go diving in and parent dps son at all, but surely do should have dealt with this better?

I really can't have that sort of language/'joking' going on in my house, in front of my kids, in front of me and i don't believe anyone should say those things regardless of age, relationship or anything else.

Was I wrong to tell him off? How should I handle things in future? How should I handle it with DP now? Im really angry that he didnt back me up. He thinks I shouldn't have told his dc off about it at all.

Sounds like you barely know the lad and he's coming into an environment he doesn't know with a new sibling and children he doesn't know and is acting out. Does your dp do things with his son on an one to one basis? How often does he see him?

DP sees your position, has explained his own and then had a quiet word later with his son

Could you just leave it now? Hopefully DSS has learned his lesson and will think twice next time

I don't think you are wrong no, I also have a sc that has done the same and I have told him off, Because firstly its wrong and secondly I don't want my kids to copy it.
And your partner should have explained to him why it was wrong and that its unacceptable. He's a child he needs educating on things like that and pulled up when he's wrong, You did the right thing op.

Sorry, did you maybe mean 5 rather than 15? This kind of behaviour is completely unreasonable in a 15 year old unless they have some kind of special needs.

He is coming into a new environment, I do everything I can to make him welcome here, he always will be, but I am very aware that it won't feel like 'home' for him for a while.

I make sure that DP gets plenty of one on one time with his son and arrange trips and weekend breaks for them so they do get that quality time together.

The word he had with his son later has actually annoyed me more than if he had said nothing at all. It's the fact he said for his son to watch himself picking on people with disabilities in front of me. Surely he should be telling his son not to do it at all.

I'm really unsure how to handle things if this happens again.

I'm not his parent, but I would pull anyone up on the things he said, it doesn't matter who they are.

I also don't want to push him away or make him feel unwelcome.

How do I get that balance if DP won't step up to the mark.

I can let a lot of things slide but I can't tolerate that.

I think you need to exclude the situation further so people can best advise you. Yes why he said was disgusting but I'm wondering if he's pushing to get an reaction from you. How much does he see his dad? How long have you and his DF been together? What relationship to you have with DS?

Include*

We have been together a couple of years now. We live a fair distance away so we don't see him a lot, maybe every 3 months but when we do it's for a long time, between 2 and 6 weeks. Which is difficult and not ideal for anyone really.

How old are you children? And how do you know he was being mean to your children before acting a saint upon you walking in?

Also don't think you are wrong in principle, but I think you are wrong in the way you are dealing with it.

Firstly, it almost sound like you've been spying on him, noting all those 'little incidents'. In the scheme of things, your OH is right, does he really need to be told off every single time he does something that is annoying? What I've learned with my teenagers if that you have to let go of things or otherwise, telling them off is all you do and understandably, this lead to them withdrawing from you and having no communication. It is totally understandable that his dad wouldn't want to have as much interaction with him as possible if he only sees if for a bit of time.

The issue with your children, what do you mean when you say he changed? Was he telling them off, bullying them? If so, that of course needs to be tackle, but if it was a bit of banter, again, that's siblings life.

As for the comment, was the only way to tackle this to 'tell him off', and I assume in front of your kids? How about having a discussion instead about how disabilities impact on people's lives to make him realise that it wasn't an appropriate comment? Let's put it this way, you could have gone about dealing with the issue without having to tell him off.

I expect he told his dad he was just 'joking' and his dad said 'that sort of joking is not really on, and son said 'yeah I get it, I won't say anything any longer'. End of. As it is, he probably resents you now for embarrassing him in front of your kids, when he is trying to find his place in the family.

Next time, lighting things up. Don't watch every move he makes, don't pick him on everything and just relax. He is 15, it doesn't have to be a case of being nice vs telling him off. Teenagers respond much better to 'in between' ways.

With your dss you need to let it go now. You said the right thing and I'd do the same in the future. Your children live with his dad, who he only sees every 3 months. He's 15, there is a really short amount of time left that this contact will go on for and it's a really sad situation for your dss.

The thing you must confront is your husbands horrible attitude to disability. Doesn't it make you wonder what he says out of your earshot?

Do you think that really telling him off was because of the other things. I would have said " we don't talk a bout people like that". And leave it there. Then when he is unkind I would say " don't be unkind, it isn't nice. You can address stuff, just pick your battle xo to speak. I think if you leave stuff it becomes accaptable. So gently set your rules so he adjusts.

The problem here is that you spent the entire time telling on him and expecting your DP to do the disciplining, "discipline x about finishing the pack of biscuits/teasing my children/putting his feet on the couch/staying up to late," just to use examples, and yet when it was something which really got to you you went off on one over it.

Nothing wrong with saying to a fifteen year old "if you finish the packet please tel us so we know to replace said item," without it becoming a disciplinary matter, but the lesson he's got is that you expect his dad to be pulling him up on things constantly until you decide that you think you should have a hand after all. Either you're involved in bringing up your DSS when he's there or you're not. You can't have it both ways.

If he said something about a child with disabilities then he needs pulling up over it, and fwiw we have no idea what was said to be able to judge accordingly, some fifteen year olds just lack complete tact and say things in a way they will cringe at when pointed out to them, so let's not assume that he's disablist but equally if you see him being nasty to your children there's no reason why you shouldn't say something then and there. And stuff like emptying packets is more of a discussion rather than a disciplinary matter at fifteen, so if you don't even feel comfortable having that discussion with him you should start to think about why not. Added to which, will you be happy for your DP to be tell-taling to you all the time as your children grow up?

You were dead really right OP - that's not an uncertain child acting out, that's someone being downright rude & disgusting about people less fortunate than himself. It's terrible behaviour.
Tbh I also think your Dps behaviour is reprehensible & yet another example of kids getting away with awful behaviour because they don't live with both parents - I'm so sick of this. If my Dp didn't roast his kids over behaviour like that I'd think him an altogether lesser man!
I work with people with disabilities on a daily basis & what they have to endure from ignorant, rude people such as your ss is truly shocking.

I disappointed that so many posters feel that it's ok for the stepson to make nasty comments about a disabled child (even though this child couldn't hear them) and laugh at disability.

Is that acceptable in your homes too? Shame on you

if that's what really happened then of course it's not ok. But as the OP hasn't actually said what he said we can't possibly judge the comment can we?

After all this is an OP who takes her children's word that he is being nasty to them and feels that a fifteen year old should be being disciplined for emptying a packet of biscuits.

How do u know she takes her children's word (still I wouldn't see a problem if she did they are allowed o confide in their mother if someone is being horrible to them)
How do you know she wasn't standing outside the room and overhearing him being horrible?

Seems to be a lot of posters on here who excuse children's behaviour because they have two homes, My ss loves having two homes he gets double the presents every year at Christmas and birthdays and lots more people to care for him. Children with two homes arent so unfortunate you can excuse any bad behaviour its ridiculous.
To be a decent parent you actually have to parent your children properly then they should be told when they are wrong and explained why they are wrong.

RealBiscuit How do you know she didn't hear him? And she didn't say he needed disciplined for emptying the packets, but she did say he denied it doing it.

You don't know this OP, or what happened, any better than the rest of us.

Calling disabled people names and laughing at them just isn't on. If that was my son, I'd want anyone who heard him to pull him up on it, so I can't fault what OP did.

FGS some people need to lighten up! Saying something about a disability doesn't mean you are a horrible person who would treat everyone with one badly. This all political correctness is really wearing.

And before I'm judged I have people in all walks of life making fun of my nationality, accent, habits etc.... I know people don't mean it nastily. Sometimes I pick them up on it with a smile but no point of telling them off.

In this case he didn't say anything to a disabled person just made a stupid comment, typical teenage behaviour. Right to mention it's innapropriateness especially in front of younger kids but telling off especially when it seems that the kid is a good kid.

Keep it up this way and he won't come at all any longer.

I'm sorry but I really have to disagree with you here. Disabled people are some of the most vulnerable in society & 15 is way too old to think that's acceptable. It's not a stupid, uninformed comment but rather displays a mean streak that OP was dead right to address.
Furthermore, what 15 year old cries over being ticked off? And what father tells a kid to not make fun of disabled people around his sm??? You don't make fun of disabled people. End of!

I wasn't spying on anyone. I overheard a few times him being spiteful to my baby and my 7yo. I also have an older teen. I get sibling rivalry, I understand they don't always get on and there's a lot of spats behind closed doors. When it's my dc I can deal with it as I feel able to tell them off. With dps son I don't feel I can, or should, do that so I diffused the immediate situation by taking my dc out of the room to help me with something or to feed the baby.

I wasn't reporting everything back but when it happened a few times I asked dp to have a word. Same with the eating things, fair enough, that's what teens do, but then when dp goes to get something that's all gone and his son denies it it leaves dp wanting my kids told off for taking things.

He was really disablist. What he said was really horrible, me telling him off wasn't a backlash from the normal teenage stuff that I'm navigating my through dealing with. I would have said the same to anyone. My dc weren't there it was my baby, dp, his son and me in the room at the time. I didn't tell him off in front of my dc at all.

I want him to feel at home here, but I also need boundaries in place that are in line with the boundaries I give my kids.

After all this is an OP who takes her children's word that he is being nasty to them and feels that a fifteen year old should be being disciplined for emptying a packet of biscuits.

I not sure where you got that from at all

The thing you must confront is your husbands horrible attitude to disability. Doesn't it make you wonder what he says out of your earshot?

It does indeed he says he is on my side, hates bullies and people getting picked on and discriminated against, I'm beginning to wonder. I get he finds it hard due to how often he sees his son, but there are certain lines that can't be crossed imo. This is one of them.

No it's not acceptable, in any shape or form & I would have definitely acted in the same way as you OP.

Just because children have separated parents & 2 homes does not mean that they can be rude about disabled people . Why would people think that this behaviour is ok?

What did he say that was so bad that you were outraged but his dad wasn't?

And when you say you 'really' told him off, what do you mean by 'really'?

I suppose it all come down to what was actually said and how. In the end though, his dad clearly wasn't shocked. Why was this? You haven't been together long, so maybe there are things that you either accept it's not for you to deal with, even if you don't like it (especially if not said in front of your kids anyway), or maybe you are facing the reality that your OH and you have different principles and might not be so compatible after all.