Hard to know what to do for the best!

[kkbaby05]

My step son is 12 years old, his father and I have been together for 9 years.

I'm very lucky to be able to say that my SS is an absolute gem!

However, (and more so in the last 5 years, because me and DP live together) I can't help but not to like some things that SS does at times... nothing major, but things like putting feet on walls to tie trainers, jumping on the sofa etc.

I've always felt it wasn't my place to tell SS direct, we've always had a very good relationship and I guess in a way I never wanted to upset him, so admittedly I would have a word with my DP and ask him to ask SS not to do these things. It was never a major issue thou as DP agreed with me and would have a word with SS about it and as I said, SS is a gem and would never do these things again.

Me and my DP had an argument last week, nothing related to SS but he told me during the argument that I needed to 'step up' and tell SS myself if I wasn't happy with things... it was completely random because SS was in no way part of this argument... I said that was fine and that I would do if he was happy with that. We soon sorted the problem we were arguing about.

Today we have been at DP's parents house. SS sat down and put his feet up (with shoes) on the sofa. (We have a shoes off at front door rule at home but I know DP's parents don't mind shoes in the house) I quietly said to SS 'don't put your shoes up on nanny and grandads sofa, take them off or put your feet down' his nanny quickly said to me 'he is fine, leave him be' she then looked very annoyed at me!

what is it I should do then/ how should I be without upsetting anybody

Do what you and DP agreed. Maybe ask DP to have a word with Nanny about not undermining you, if it happens again.

Don't take it personally. My aunt does this kind of thing me with my DS (she is "Gran" to him) maybe not looking annoyed, but letting him off with things, always saying "he's fine" when I tell him off, etc.

I can't go as far as saying it upset me, but guess it made me feel uncomfortable and as thou I had done wrong. DP has often said to SS in the past at nanny and grandads not to do certain things and nothing more was said.

I guess I felt as thou because it had come from me telling SS and not DP (who was upstairs at the time) that she felt as thou she needed to do this.

I just felt it was unfair because I'm really good to SS and been in his life many years, it's not like I'm always on at him or anything, maybe my own fault thou for not doing it sooner

Tell your SS and do so in a non accusatory way. Really it's all down to the tone used.

However, I agree that it's not for you to say anything at other family home if they don't have an issue with their behaviour.

I do plan on discussing it with DP tonight once SS is in bed.

It makes things difficult because SS did listen to me and put his feet down but after his nanny said this his feet went back up and there was nothing more really I could do or say

Nanny will be less than pleased when DGS's shoes puts grit, mud or dog shit on the sofa.
Suggest you all go for nice healthy walk in the country, preferable on a wet day, before next visit. But that's just me......

Don't take it too personally whether SM or not. Some old folk are just like that.

FWIW you need to be comfortable to discipline your SS if he is living with you and your DP is not around.

FadedRed - that's a great idea

SS is with us 3-4 nights a week

I think you sound a great SM. Thoughtful and clearly things work well in your home. I had 2 thoughts reading your posts.

1. Their home, their rules. eg my mum allows my DC to behave in a way in her home that neither me nor my siblings were allowed to do and certainly not the way I let my DC behave at home. I said something once and was really snapped at. So perhaps she doesnt mind dirty shoes on the sofa. You will know that from previous visits. But do make sure she is consistent - so if in the future DP tells SS to remove his feet and his mum agrees, then out of SS hearing, do remind her.
2. It might be worth you and DP having a conversation with his parents just to let them know that you will now be dealing with SS behaviour more openly and this is your joint wish. You hope that she will support that.