DP always bends over backwards for ex

[Tracey1313]

Who else has the problem of DP always bending over backwards to please their ex ?
My partner and I have been together now coming up to 6 years. Both of us have children with ex partners and one of our own. When my DP gets a text from his ex asking him to do things he'll moan and groan about it and say he's not doing it. As soon as she calls though it's like he changes. It's all about the "yes". Almost like he's grovelling to her every time I hear them on the phone. It bothers me because I don't know why he doesn't say yes in the first place. I don't need to hear him moaning about it and then change to a yes man when she calls him. Why does he do that ? It's almost like saying one thing behind their back then doing all he can to please when it comes to direct contact. Don't get me wrong, what she asks him to do only ever relates to their son. It's just irritating to hear the moaning and then the change to, "of course I'll do that for you". I don't understand it personally. When he talks to her he's all nice and accommodating like they are great friends, however when they split up she stopped him seeing his son for a year and half. He had to go through the courts to get contact. Paying over 10k to do it. Then now acts like they are all amicable. It does make me so angry, but all he seems to think is that I'm acting like I'm jealous.
Thoughts ?

He is moaning to appease you

He is agreeing to her because she stopped him seeing his son

Is he "bending over backwards" or are they reasonable requests relating to his son?

Sounds like he feels he has to put on a show of moaning for your benefit.

Maybe tell him that any requests about his son it's fine for him to agree to and remain amicable?

He moans for your benefit.

He is accommodating her because she blocked access to his son before and he is scared that she will try something unless he keeps on good terms with her.

It is called being between a rock and a hard place.

He can moan to you about her requests because you're his partner

He is going to always have fear of actually saying no to her because of what she put him through, I bet the poor man is terrified of not being able to see his son.

He sounds like a good dad TBH and trying his hardest to do the best for his son

Don't be too hard on him

Thanks for all the input. It has helped. I never thought it might be because he's scared of her.

He is a good dad and yes they are reasonable requests. I just don't like the moaning beforehand and then to me the change of heart when she calls. He just needs to cut the moaning out beforehand. I think the answer to his ex's requests should either be a yes or no.

I know what you mean; my OH will do that and it's frustrated me at times because I've known he'll eventually do what she's asked but when we spoke about it he said it was because he's worried about the consequences of not doing what's asked or having an argument with her.
I'd try talking to him about it and explain that it's ok to feel he has to do the things out of fear. It might make him feel better to moan/vent.

I came on the board to start my own thread about how my dh bends over backwards for his ex despite the request being nothing to do with their child (we have a dd one year older than hers and she wants our old baby stuff for free). But reading this I understand my dhI is just afraid although sometimes it feels like he cares more for her.It's hsrd op

Yuk! It's cringing watching a man fawn over his Ex. I know my DP does it, and my Ex sometimes did that to me too... his gf probably hated it. I did not encourage it!

I do think men love being needed, I know that's probably sexist, but I've found it the case. And sometimes they love the feeling that their Exes turn to 'them' and not some other man. It doesn't mean that they want to get back with them, but gives them a role and importance still.

The fear thing too. My DP used to do loads for his Ex because she made his life hell if he didn't. Once, encouraged by me, he said no to his Ex organising the kids birthday party at OUR house. He just said we'd organise it if it's in our house.

She phoned him up at work and screamed abuse at him!

Is there a way to sort.this kind of thing? Eg his ex came home 90 min sfter sgreed handover, no heads up and dh had to drive back with his lo and our lo and she simply said she lost track of time. I don't want my child doing 2x one hour journeys in evening just because she doesn't want to give him a heads up. She does this a few times.

She keeps asking for fsvours too unrelated to their child together.

My DP did start standing up to his Ex, mostly because he was embarrassed when it was obvious how much of a doormat he was to her. She upped the ante at first, but then did stop; treating him so badly.

My dh never will stop, anything for an easy life. I think it will end our marriage.

flying I know this might be off the wall advice, but at one point I was so low too with DPs Ex just treating him as if they'd never separated. I just couldn't hack it any more and my bristles would go up as soon as she called. Grrrr...

And then someone said to me, 'If someone's being a b*tch you've got to be the bigger btch'. This isn't like me but I took it on board for a few months. It really moved it along! My DP was also doing it for the easy life, so I just moved the easy life to be keeping me happy instead, and I would be a real barrier or cause a big fuss about his Ex wife pulling his strings.

My DP suddenly started to take some action as guess what - he wasn't getting an easy life by appeasing his Ex Wife over her!

P.s. I was not OW!

I meant... Ex Wife over me! Sorry.

I have this too
Lots of attention seeking too like saying their son is 'missing' when he is just at a mates house
We also get the general details of her life
Does my nut
Really flying? That's awful and scares me a bit

I think they need to be weaned off their Ex husbands! If there is starting to be a reduction in contact, then over time it will get better.

I have tried saying how it upsets.and hurts me being constantly second. Tbh he doesn't listen to anything I say about any aspect of our lives. He did a really shitty thing a couple of years ago which we worked through and I think unfortunately it has set me up as a doormat.

Sorry jelly sounds crap. It's horrible being a doormat.

I think if he doesn't listen then only actions will work.

The only step left is to split as there is nothing I can do if he doesn't want to listen and he sees how it upsets me.but I keep quiet for dss and dd and he relies on that.

The only step left is to split as there is nothing I can do if he doesn't want to listen and he sees how it upsets me.but I keep quiet for dss and dd and he relies on that.

Sorry Jelly, that sounds crap. Leaving sounds drastic but the reality of living with someone who is running around after their Ex is quite serious. I don't blame you at all - anyone who suggests that women should 'just put up with it for the good of the kids' has no idea.

Thanks Bananas. Glad someone is being supportive.