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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to cope.

16 replies

suziesue87 · 31/08/2017 15:34

Hello, So this is my first ever post so bare with me.
I have a 17 year old SD. I came into her life 7 years ago.
To start with we had a great relationship. until this last year. basically she tried to make her mum choose between her and her new boyfriend.
My SD mum pick her new boyfriend over her own daughter... (I know bad right)
so basically she pack her bags and moved in with us... that was great we been asking her to move in with us for years as her mum never puts her first... anyway because my partner has been in his daughters life as much as he would of liked (SD mum Made it IMPOSSABLE) when she did move in he spoil her rotten, and I mean rotten she was getting near £150 a week, not earned just given to her (not including bus fares and cigs or phone credit) ... so when the inevitable happened (he couldn't afford to keep it up) My SD decided it was all my fault,. Told my partner I was making her life hell, Which I wasn't, that she felt like she didn't have a home with us (I had just spent £300 decorating her room how she wanted it.) so my partner gave me a royally dressing down told me to butt down of his daughters life. so I did as I was told, I stopped giving lifts, spending money I left it all to him.

we got her a tutor , she kept turning up late, or not at all.
when her dad confronted her about it, yet again it was my fault. I was making her out to be a awful child that she wasn't. (still to this day I'm not sure how I was managing that) then she decided to convince him I was having a affair... (which I wasn't just to try splitting us up)
so again another fight. I got to prove myself yet again...
The two month ago my stepfather dies.
I fell to bits I will admit.
what happens she on social media, slating me, putting quotes up directed at me. so I ask my partner please can you ask her to stop doing that.
Yup you guessed it, he sides with the daughter again.
she had stepped it up abit this time, it was me that had broken there bond, I'm the reason she doesn't see him. the list goes on and on.
finally tho my partner see through it...
so yesterday after 4 weeks of not speaking to us. she wants to come over, she nice as pie like nothing has happened.
my partner is thrilled of course. told me to brush it under the carpet and just forget about it. now she back, she spoke to me when her father is around now he's at work she blanking me again.
like she doing as a act to please him
What I need it advice
First to stay sane .!!!
second how do I help make my partner see she just playing him

I do love my SD to pieces she is a great girl.... But sometimes she a mini version of her mum.
Please help xx

OP posts:

SerfTerf · 31/08/2017 15:36

LTB.

Original poster

suziesue87 · 31/08/2017 15:38

LTB?

OP posts:

SerfTerf · 31/08/2017 15:39

Yes, Leave the Bastard.

Original poster

suziesue87 · 31/08/2017 15:43

don't think I will need to, if she has her way. I'll been gone soon enough.

OP posts:

SerfTerf · 31/08/2017 15:45

So get out. It all sounds like a disaster.

Mrscropley · 31/08/2017 15:49

You are always going to be the bad guy. . Ltb.

Original poster

suziesue87 · 31/08/2017 16:24

I have always help her, she had a new phone every time she lost it... which has been quite a few times...
when she was younger and her dad was starting a new business, if he didn't have any money for her I always made sure she got spend..
I feel like I wasted 7 years trying to be a step parent like I had to have it throw in my face. she says she sorry every time, but her actions are saying different.
Its exhausting having to convince my partner I'm not the bad guy. I have tried making him see sense but it me being a Bastard to her then... I cant win...

OP posts:

Tearsoffrustration · 01/09/2017 09:02

She sounds like a spoilt brat - there's a lot of talk about material things here - that's not what a child needs

Underthemoonlight · 01/09/2017 09:14

Makes you wonder If there's more to the mothers story doesn't op? No one deserves to be abused and if your dp isn't going to stick up for you then your going to have make an decision.

Janeismymiddlename · 01/09/2017 11:01

At 17, she is old enough to have understood that like her father, her mother also wanted to move on and have a relationship. You are aware that she is capable of telling lies......so what happened with mum's boyfriend? It sounds like a lot of judging going on, then a whole load of indulgence and absolutely no actual parenting.

I personally feel sorry for her. How is it going to get better for you? What do you need to happen?

Original poster

suziesue87 · 01/09/2017 13:55

Mother story ..
her mum left my oh for a woman, (didn't work out) has had several relationships since some which have been physically abuse to my SD. SDM... Currently she has 3 children to the lad that my SD tried to split up. ( sorry forgot to add the lad was one of SD Friends) so its a load of drama.. which I totally understand why she acts out sometimes she wants to find her place, she wanting to feel like she loved and belongs somewhere, but I'm not the enemy.

Half the time she only comes near or speaks to her dad when she wants something. its like love is measured on material things.
my oh would give her the earth, but he also want to be there for her, he tries giving her advice but the only advice she interested in is her mums. he's always second best.
if he says no when she asked for stuff she kicks off or guilt trips him, so I think half time he gives in for a easy life and to avoid loosing her. by doing this tho he's causing problems than helping her..
I just feel out my depth, half time I just try to leave him too it, but I also be stick for that as I'm "not Helping"...

OP posts:

Original poster

suziesue87 · 01/09/2017 14:03

I'm fully aware she capable of telling lies... (I never cheated on my partner for one)
she used to say this lad was mean to her.
play tricks on her, to play her against her mum, so mum would side with boyfriend. every time my oh would try help or even say I will talk to your mum. she would kick off and say stuff that totally chondritic what she said before. she lied about losing bank cards, bus passes. we think mobile phones. (she was on drugs for a short while)
my worry is she going down the wrong path and my oh instead of addressing that is just helping fuel the bad behaviour.

OP posts:

Original poster

suziesue87 · 01/09/2017 14:19

contradict.. Sorry about bad spelling and grammar. I must remind myself not to use phone on this site, cant see what I'm typing lol xx

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 02/09/2017 11:28

To be honest, I don't know how you can actually love her, she sounds like a right diva! But anyway, if your DH is blaming you for all this, you need to address that first.....are you sure you want to be with him?

Wdigin2this · 02/09/2017 11:28

Sorry, OH not DH!

Original poster

suziesue87 · 04/09/2017 15:48

mainly because over the years we had some great times. now its like she doesn't give a toss and her dads letting her play these games. every time, I get well your the adult... I take it she isn't.... he realises she acts like a child when it suits/... the whole thing is driving me up the wall and he just makes out its my problem and to get over it. I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. even his own mum says his daughter in the wrong he just wont hear it....

OP posts:

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