Being a step parent

[Mummyto2beauts]

Hi, first post and looking for some advice.

I have two gorgeous chn, ds6 and dd5. Their dad left just before dd was born, has never seen ds since and has never met dd. I tried to organise contact but due to barriers thrown up by ex I gave up. I took ex to court and got child maintenance which has been paid fairly regularly.

I've been in my current relationship for 4 years and my dp has ds7. My dc met dp and his ds after we had been seeing each other for about 6 months,and after a year my dc started calling dp daddy. This is something they started doing on their own with no encouragement from us, I think due to hearing dp's ds calling him daddy.
We had lots of discussions about whether to let this happen or not, my primary concern was my dc. I didn't want them to feel rejected in any way by saying "no you mustn't call him that" and I wanted to make sure that dp was able to "live up to" being their daddy. I felt that they had already been rejected once and I didn't want them to feel that again. I think that's where my first issue lies, have I set my expectations of dp and my dc's relationship too high?

My dp always insists that he has 3dc, and that he wouldn't ever treat them differently. I have said to him in the past that he will always feel differently towards his ds than to my dc, as they are not his biologically, but I made it clear that the chn should never see or feel they are treated differently. I wouldn't expect anything different as I could never love someone else's child the way I love mine. Dp refutes this and says he loves them all the same.
However, he often has special days out with his ds that he doesn't have with my dc, and regularly refuses to attend their special plays etc at school in case it effects time with his ds. (I have never asked dp to go to something for my dc if it could affect his time with his ds, and I organise all childcare and days out around the time he has with his ds.) If his ds has a play my dp will take the day off work or ask me to organise childcare so he can go. My dc get very upset when their daddy doesn't come to watch their plays so I've been a bit more vocal with dp about going. He will now try and get time off work to go if he can.

Before all the dc started school we used to have lots of family time (with all 3 chn) and we all got on well. Since starting school and having less time together, I've found that my dp's ds doesn't want to spend time with us all together and when we do he often gets very stroppy, and if staying for the weekend will often bed wet. Also, his attitude towards me has become quite unfriendly and rude, this is now extending towards my dc. This is making time together quite strained and I found our holiday this year really stressful. When dp's ds is around everything revolves around him and (luckily) my dc are often very happy to accommodate his wants to keep him happy. However, it is starting to really grate on me that when my dc want to do something, if dp's ds doesn't want to then we either don't do it or we get loads of tears and tantrums. So my second issue is that I'm starting to dread time with dp's ds and I really don't want another holiday with him.
I don't want to paint my dp as a bad person, he is usually very supportive and loves us all, I think he misses his ds and feels guilty that he cant see him every day, which I can sort of understand but obviously not the depth of his feelings as I have my dc all the time.

Finally, I feel (for reasons that even escape me) that the info about my ex is increasingly in the background now. My dc both see my dp as their daddy and I don't think my ds has any recollection of ex, but I can't help but feel that my ds doesn't have a close relationship with my dp and the info about his biological origins is going to come out. I don't know how it will, but my ds is interested in our family tree, I've often thought about drawing it out for him but shied away because of the questions it could raise that I've felt he's not mature enough for yet. I think he's mature enough now for age appropriate honest info, and I don't want anything said to him by anyone else so he then gets upset.
So third conundrum, do I tell my ds and dd about their bio dad, and how?

I want to talk to my dp about it and include him, but we are in the middle of another blazer because he's off on another special day with his ds that my dc are excluded from.

Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation with their dc?

Also, I'm not looking for sympathy or to be told to get over it, I am really just looking for advice.

Bumping this for you as I have no advice but feel awful for you. What does your DP do when DSD is rude to you?

He tries to talk to him privately. The thing is, he is so worried about upsetting him he won't tell him off and invariably just lets him have his own way. Which causes rows because he will shout at and discipline my dc if they are rude in any way.

Sounds like your step son has reacted in a bad way to your dc calling your dp daddy which tbh shouldn't be allowed to happen. I speak as someone who is married to dh and dh has been in my eldest DS life from the age of 2, he doesn't need to call him dad to be one of the family, I think this is where you must likely made a rod for your own back. I don't see anything wrong with your dp spending one to one quality time with his dd. It's actively encouraged on these boards. Don't forget their time is limited because he sees on set days where as he lives with your dc so sees them daily. why not take the opportunity to spent quality time with your dc when your dp is with his son. My DS has just been on all boys camping trip with his DF and he fully enjoyed having his DF to him and doing boys things it wasn't a slight on his sm or other sibling. Just like he enjoys doing other activities with myself on a one to basis.

Do your dc actually believe your dp is their father and don't realise he's not?

How often does his ds stay?

He's probably reacting to someone else calling his dad daddy. If you ask DP how many kids he has he will always include DS1 (he's been around for 6 of his 10 years), but DS1 doesn't call him dad, he calls him by his name, even though he hears DD and DS2 calling him daddy (he is their dad).

It's understandable that his DS wants time with just his dad, and I think you all need to facilitate that before battle lines end up being drawn.

Dp's ds started acting out about a year ago, so a long time after my dc started calling my dp daddy. Dp's ex has re married and his ds refers to her dh as his second daddy.

We didn't decide to have my dc call dp daddy to be a family, it was something they started to do and tbh I wasn't sure whether it would be better to let it play out or discourage it. At the time we talked about it (a lot, and I spoke to my family and his to try and make a considered decision), and we decided to let it play out.

Because my ds has no recollection and my dd has never met my ex they believe dp to be their daddy. This is where my question of how best to talk to them about their bio dad comes in, as my ds does see differences between how he is treated to how dp's ds is treated.

I have no issue with dp spending time with his ds and we wouldn't be in a relationship if he didn't, when contact was being organised I encouraged him to get as much as he could and suggested ways he could have 50/50 contact instead of the 30/70 he settled for. Dps ds stays one weekend every 3-4 weeks depending on dps shifts and dp usually sees him 2 to 3 days a week for a few hours after school and it is just the two of them. During the holidays dp has him whole days when dp's off work and we take him away for a week each year. Dp also takes his ds to stay at his parents for nights here and there and they have days out. My dp is very lucky and gets a lot more time with his ds than many separated fathers do.

I encourage them to have 1-2-1 time, but my dc have also asked for 1-2-1 time that they don't get. This is where my ds is starting to get upset because he doesn't do things on his own with daddy.

Also I am fortunate enough to only work term time so I get lots of time with my dc.

To be clear I spend a lot of quality time just me and my dc, between school/work and dp spending time with his ds separately it often feels like I'm a single parent again. This post isn't about the time dp spends with ds, like I said I go out of my way to make sure they have that time and I'd be happy to have them go away together for a long weekend separate to us. Dss gets so worked up about being with all of us for a week that might be a good way for dp to have a hol with him that doesnt stress out dss too much.

My issue is when my dc start asking why they don't do the same thing, and presently the only reason I can come up with leads to talking about my ex and explaining that. So I'm trying to find the best way to explain it all with the least upset.

You should never have let it play out. My friend has done the same but utilmately from speaking from other people's personal experience when they find out a parent isn't actually their parent it can have earth shattering consequences. You've utilmately led your dc to believe "their father" is playing favourites when in reality he is just spending quality time with his son on an one to one basis. His DS will also know that your dc aren't not his real siblings so it's best to be honest with them that your dh is their step dad but he is not the daddy who made them.

This isn't helpful advice but perhaps you should have nipped him calling your partner daddy in the bud straight away. Even Daddy xxx ( partner's name) might have been better and gently talking to him about his own dad too. That way his world would always make sense and your dss would not feel like his father was being taken away by children who get to live with him all the time.

My mum told me that my stepdad met her and me and I was such a wonderful little girl that he wanted us to be his family. She didn't explicitly say that he wasn't my real dad but the groundwork was laid and I was able to gently figure it out when I was a little older.

He is not your childrens dad and he only has his son once a month, it's no wonder his son is finding this hard to deal with.

Funnily enough we did start with daddy xxx and after about a year the xxx got dropped.

It's all well and good saying I shouldn't have done it and I made a mistake, but thay doesn't help with moving forward. I didn't come on here asking for my previous actions to be judged, but to see if anyone had been in a similar situation and could advise what they did.

Also, as I've said previously, my dp sees his ds 2 to 3 days every week, not just once a month. Despite living with us he actually sees my dc much less, as he works shigts which mean he is often out of the house before they wake up and comes home after they are in bed, and any free time he has is spent with his ds. Which is not an issue! It becones an issue when my dc are upset about it.

@thethoughtfox thats a lovely thing your mum said, I wish I had thoight about it before.

My dc's cousin is adopted and I have been thinking about using thay as a way to broach the subject with my dc.

Seeing him for an hour after school is not "seeing him 2 or 3 days a week" is it? you have him once a month, whilst your children live with him full time.

What you need to do is stop lying to your children, (before they hear it from someone else) and explain the situation to them so they can understand why he has time alone with his son.

My advice is tell them as soon as you can. My friends DSis found from someone else and the fallout was pretty bad she's nc with both of them.

I would sit them down explain that they have a different daddy to your stepson and because he doesn't live with his DF he likes to spend some time alone on occasion. Living with a parent and seeing them in their home with step siblings and a new wife is totally different.

@littlehandcuffs in that case he spends time with my dc once a month then.

@underthemoonlight, do you know how old you friends dsis was when she found out?

Your username is Mummy to 2 beauts. Why not 3 then if that is what you expect of your DP? Your children should have always been told the origins of their parentage, speaking as a child who doesn't remember one of my real parents and grew up raised by a stepparent. I was raised always knowing the truth, a bombshell later would have been very damaging.

Your DP doesn't see much of his son, of course he needs to prioritise him when he does. And his son probably feels he is being replaced by 2 new children getting to live with him full time and call him Daddy.

She was 15/16 years old and told by someone else.

Also surely your DP's son knows the truth? What if he ends up telling your children? It would be far better coming from you in a sensitive way. Or is he also being lied to that he has 2 biological siblings?

If your children are questioning why your dp spends time with his DS and not with them then the answer should be "because he's DSS' dad and they want to spend time together." But your previous actions, not telling them about their biological father, allowing them to call him and believe he is their dad have created a whole web where being honest with them now has become impossible because they are oblivious to the truth. This is why people are judging your previous actions.

I don't have an issue with step children calling a resident step parent dad per se, but only if they are aware of the facts In your children's case they don't know the facts and it is now your job to unravel the mess you've created by telling them the truth.

It's understandable that your DSS feels unsettled about them and it's understandable that your DC feel pushed out by a man they have no idea isn't their father. But it's not the children's fault, it's the adults' job to fix it now. And you need to do it sooner rather than later because they will find out and when they do the fallout could be immense.

My cousin was adopted back in the day when everyone seemed to know everyone else's business, but his parents still chose not to tell him. Except someone else did, when he was seven.

Sounds like your partner is resentful his biological son doesn't see him often and so wants to "make it fair" by not being a parent to your kids either. I would tell them in an age appropriate way, so, dss was made by daddy but you were made by another daddy and partner wants to be your daddy? Not sure sounds a bit mean either way

They don't have a dad in their lives at all and your dp has taking them on which is really nice and he is their daddy has he considered adopting them. As for letting your kids know just say something along the lines thought fox suggested, I agree you don't want it to come out as a shock , if he does adopt them people wouldn't be able to say you are wrong. He would be their daddy and dss half siblings albeit no biologically but that means nothing IMO many biological parents don't deserve kids. He's acting as their daddy and of course they should be allowed to call him that if they want to.

I admit I haven't been able to follow all of this - but I don't think it's terrible to let your kid call their step Dad 'Daddy'. Although I would only do this if it is certain that his step dad is going to be adopting him.

It is good to be open and honest about the relationships all around - explain to your child that he can call him Daddy but that he is not the biological daddy - there should be adoption info that can advise how to tackle this at different ages - and explain that if the Dad is spending one to one time with his son that he wants to do that as he doesn't live with them full-time but loves them all.

If the DSS is having a hard time then again, being honest, but his Dad loving another and wanting to be a Dad formally is an adjustment - but if he makes sure that his older son knows that he won't be any less of a Dad to him, by actions, by saying this to him, by listening to his sons worries.

I would discuss different family dynamics with your children. Biological families, step families, adopted families, 2 mummies, 2 daddies etc. Are there any people you know who you can use as examples?

I'm in a similar position but early on. Luckily in my sons class at school there is a little girl with 2 mummies, and a girl with just a mummy like my son. I use them as examples to explain different shapes and sizes of families

My son cries and cries at bit having a dad and wants to call my partner daddy. My partner is happy with it in time but we have to be careful of how his daughter feels so we keep talking to both of them to explain everyone's place but how everyone is equally loved

I have 2 dads (bio and step) and I regularly draw on this too as I call them both Dad. I say to my son that one dad helped make me and the other one met me later and became my daddy as he loved me and my mum. I tell my son there is a man who made him and now we have my partner who lives him just like a daddy

I know you're further down the line but I hope that helps

You see your DP as a replacing dad to your DCs and as such, that he should treat them exactly the same as his DS. That's fair enough, except that I expect his DS knows that he isn't their dad and from his perspective, he doesn't understand why he shouldn't act more of a father towards his than your children, especially when your children get to have him for most of the week and he only sees his dad every week-ends/EOW.

What you need to consider is that if your OH wants to spend some special time with his son, it isn't because he cares more about him, but because he sees him less, end of. You talk about guilt. It doesn't have to be guilt but purely that he misses his boy, just like he would miss yours (and his) if he suddenly stopped spending time every day.

Look at it this way: If your eldest suddenly went to live with your parents (for whatever reason) and you only see him EOW, wouldn't you want to give him a little bit more attention/one to one than your youngest on the time you do get to spend with him?

Don't be possessive of your OH on behalf of your kids. The reason why your DS is acting up is probably because he feels your possessiveness and is reacting defensively, with your OH understanding how he feels, hence supporting it.

You say that your DS feels he is not spending as much time with his dad, but surely he gets to see him every/most evenings/mornings. Does your DP help with any parental duties, bath/shower, homework, eating together at the table, reading etc...

You need to start discussing how you'll tell your kids the truth. Remember that your SS could take it upon himself to tell them in anger if they were to one day tease him about something and that wouldn't be good.