Step son in bi-racial relationship

[SteppingUp2017]

Hi All,

First post, hoping for a little guidance, and if not that just a sign that I'm not alone! Sorry it's a bit of a long one!

I'm 29, my partner and I have been together just over a year and have recently moved in together. Our relationship is the steadiest and most relaxed, mature relationship I have ever had and we're both very happy.

My partner has a son, he is 11 years old and he stays with us 4 days/3 nights a week. He broke up with his ex 9 years ago and for the first 6 years of his son's life he looked after him full time. After that his ex had his son for 4/5 days a week and we have recently started having him more often at his ex's request.

I'm white/British and my partner, his son and his ex are black/African. I bring this up because it has relevance to some conversations we've had recently, which I have gone in to detail with below.

Overall, my relationship with the son is tough - he can be extremely moody; at times he is fine and other times he won't look at me or respond when I talk to him. I try not to take any of it too personally...a quick glance at this board is enough to know step-parenting is hard and no matter what I do it's never going to be perfect!

However, lately he has been saying things to me in private that I have found quite hurtful and offensive. First came a few nights back when he brought up the subject of the age difference between my partner and I. Which is 5 years. He said: "Why are you so much younger than my Dad? If my Dad was 16 and you were 11 that would be rape." I was so taken aback I can't even remember what I said.

Then today we were walking to our local high street together, after he asked me to go with him to buy a fidget spinner. On the way we got on to the subject of heritage, he often tells me that the way I say things or do things is "So English". I said he was British too because he was born here and he said he never wants to identify as British, he's African. All this is fine, obviously, and entirely understandable in this post-Brexit world! However, next we started talking about general English bias in the media (his exact point of reference was how we - the English - take credit for things when it suits us - i.e. when Andy Murray is winning we call him British but when Aaron Ramsey has a bad football game we call him Welsh). So I ask him how he thinks that can change - what can we do to redress the balance. His response was "Nothing, you will always be like that...you're hypocritical, it's in your blood...you're dumb."

For the record I don't believe in 'reverse-racism' as a concept; any grudges he holds against the British I think can be well-justified and I would welcome a discussion with him about this. But that last statement I felt crossed a boundary and was incredibly loaded and personal. I responded by saying he is stereotyping and that's not a good thing, that if I was to ever say he is a certain way because it is "In his blood" it would not be fair and it would be racist. He tried to pull this out of me and asked what type of things I 'would' say - I obviously did not take the bate and never would.

I've spoken to my partner about both these instances. He has offered to speak to him about it directly but I've had a hang up about not running to him for everything and not betraying the trust his son might have in me. (His son often says I'm not a good 'secret-keeper' - something I feel he is trying to use against me to stop me mentioning any of these conversations with his Dad).

I'm feeling at a loss though - I'm not a very forth-coming person when it comes to my emotions and struggle to react in the moment...instead I need the time to process and figure out my feelings. However, I feel like I've missed two crucial times where I should have set my boundaries and been firmer.

Some guidance would be great on how I can best go forward without brushing things under carpet. It would be good to hear from anyone who has been on the other side of this too. There's obviously so much about bi-racial families and the sensitivities around them which I will never understand fully but I'd like to try and ensure I tread carefully but firmly.

Awaiting feedback eagerly!

Black , white , yellow or green , the boy is rude and you need to put your foot down. Make it clear you won't be spoken to or about in this way.

His behaviour is unacceptable.

You sound very thoughtful, OP. I think I'd have a talk with your DP, and your DP needs to have a talk with your stepson. I think you need to let go of the "not a good secret-keeper" thing as he is using that against you.

I think in future incidents you need to put a halt to the conversation immediately - if he calls you a hypocrite and dumb, or tries to paint your relationship with his dad in such a weird way, then you have the "I love you and usually enjoy our conversations, but it is never OK to be so gratuitously insulting to anyone like that. I would like you to apologise." talk.

It sounds like the kid is testing his boundaries. Just what can he get away with with you? Additionally, though he sounds quite bright, he's also trying to have grownup talks from an 11 year old perspective - hence not grasping that 29-34 is absolutely nothing in any way like 11-15. So for that piece of it, while it comes across as being combative may just have been honest confusion.

I suspect he's a bit jealous of you and wants his dad to himself? It is engaging in Magic thinking in which if you were not there his mum & dad would he together?

Finally, as far as I'm concerned, of course people not from the majority culture can be racist. I'm Canadian and had a First Nations friend tell me once that "we're not like whites, we don't sexually abuse our kids." Wtf? I didn't argue too much with him but politely pointed out that human nature is human nature and some people are lovely and some are horrifying shits.

The boy is not going to enjoy his life if he's got a hate-on for white people and lives in a white dominant country. He can be proud of being of African descent without viewing the rest of us as a collective less-than.

And by white dominant I meant in terms of numbers! Realized that could be taken the wrong way!!

Thanks everyone, DP has said almost the exact same, he wants to get involved and has just said it's getting hard for him to behave naturally when he knows this is going on. So I think I need to accept his help.

It's good to know I'm right to be upset by the situation, just kicking myself a little bit for not setting the boundaries at the time!

Please do accept his help! And also stop being so reasonable op. You have every right to be cross that he is calling you names , he obviously should be proud of his heritage but to belittle yours is something he needs to stop doing immediately.

Good luck.