I need some outside insight from experienced step-parents please

[CalendulaAndRoses]

I am at my wits end and need some advice and an outside perspective.

I divorced 7 years ago and have been with DP now for 6.5 years. We moved in together after about a year into a house we bought jointly.

I have two DDs, now aged 15 and 12.

Myself and DP are struggling now and I’m at a loss as to how to proceed.

Early on he got on great with the DDs. They were very fond of him, shared interests, he watched movies with them, did drawing etc, he enjoys family outings and is generally much more interested and hands on than their dad.

I was delighted as family life had been a struggle with their dad, he was a high functioning alcoholic who really never wanted a family or to be tied down. He is still in their lives, sees them regularly (1 weekend in 4 as he lives abroad) etc and is much better as a hands off dad with little in the way of responsibility. They have a lot of fun with their dad and as he sees them only once a month he doesn’t apply much in the way of discipline. He deals with everything with humour and jokes, is really messy and generally weekends and holidays with him they are allowed do more or less what they want. Their stuff comes back all in a heap with stuff forgotten more often than not as their dad is generally too busy havig a good time and joking around to pay much attention to all of that. I’m not having a go at him, it’s how he is and they love it.

DP on the other hand is a very regularised kind of a man. He likes routine and structure and an organised house. My younger DD went off him completely after one holiday with her dad (I think the penny dropped that the family unit of me, her dad and the two kids was irrevocably gone and she got quite depressed for a few weeks – she was about 8 at the time – and has never had such a good bond with DP since – he has dealt with this fairly well, he understands things are hard for her but obviously it’s also hard for him as she turned from hugging him and enjoying him a lot to being resentful and pretty hard on him, almost overnight. They rub along ok now but theres no real bond) My older DD and DP have a sort of love-hate relationship, they joke and fight in about equal measure. I always thought this was quite healthy.

Over the past couple of years though, I guess you could say as the girls approached and entered teenagerhood and left childhood we have begin to struggle more and more. As I said DP is organised, structured, very tidy etc. He gets VERY frustrated by “stuff” left lying around, by chairs not put back under the table at the end of a meal, by the girls not putting their laundry away quickly, by them leaving shoes or schoolbags around the floor where they shouldn’tbe, or leaving coats on chairs etc. By them making a face of disdain when they come to the dinner table or not eating their vegetables. All of the stuff that definitely IS irritating in a family home, but also fairly normal I suspect.

The struggle comes because he can’t seem to be able to cope with this “laxity”. I don’t like it either and I pull them up on it and lose my temper sometimes, but he seems to have no humour about it. – he expects it done his way and if not he gets very annoyed. He speaks to the children quite harshly then and if I challenge him on it he gets distant and withdraws from the family. There seems to be no space for a middle way.

We try to keep a no wifi after 10pm and none on Sundays rule and there is no allowance in his monitoring of this for any flexibility. He does all the tech stuff in the house and so if the kids want some wifi on Sunday or after hours they have to ask him and he makes a big song and dance and won’t adjust it. I’ve asked if he can show me how to do it but he hasn’t. I don’t mind a bit of flexibility, in anything, I’ve no interest in runnning a police state and sometimes that what it feels like he would like. Something where we have very black and white rules and regulations, everyone adheres to them at all times and woe betide you if you don’t.

He is pretty controlling in other areas too. We have a dog and recently my DS visitied and fed the dog some sweets after he had asked her not to. He ranted at her in front of about 8 people, telling her off, how he wasn’t happy etc etc. I get it. Of cousre she shouldn’t have done it but really, it was a minor thing and could easily have been let go. He doesn’t care who is present, if anyone does something he doesn’t like, or outside his rules he will tell them off in no uncertain terms. He is a very big man with a loud deep voice and it’s not easy to brush it off.

Soon after we got together he had a different dog and we were outside a café when some very silly teenage girls walked past and fed his dog a chip. He stood up and shouted at them “stupid cunts” and ranted at them. I remember being gobsmacked at what I saw as a really extreme overreaction , nevermidn the use of language I wasn’t comfortable with in that context - being shouted in public at two clueless teenagers. It was a side of him I’d never seen but I somehow ignored it as he was lovely to me, to the kids etc and I buried it. Recently it is coming back to my mind more and more.

I was really cranky yesterday – I do suffer with depression and anxiety which came to a head at the end of my relship with exH and sometimes things get on top of me (I’m dealing with this at the moment – meds and counselling but sometimes I still have a bad day) – and I was locked in a sort of tit for tat exchange with my DD1. I was feeling quite low and tearful.

DD1 is always late, she was late again yesterday as we were trying to get somewhere. We were then driving back to the house afterwards and as we pulled into the drive she took off her seatbelt and swung the door open to get out of the car before it had stopped. Stupid behaviour I know, thoughtless. He slammed on the brakes and did an unecessary emergency stop which threw her and her sister forward in the car. He ranted at her, she was rude back, I gave out to her for her rudeness to him and told her she shouldn’t have done the door thing. But then I also said to him he shouldn’t have slammed on the brakes like that as it was dangerous.

I left it then but it was on my mind all evening. I have to go away with work for w week next month and DP will be in charge. I generally have to do this once a year and it’s always been ok, but I feel tensions are higher between them all now and I’m feeling worried about it.

I brought it up with him this morning and he just says they need to learn, they need to learn.

We tried joint counselling for a while as I find the energy in the home can be pretty unpleasant at times and I wanted to try to dicsuss how we could make it better in a mediated, supported environment. He pulled out of that after a few sessions as he found it really difficult to open up.

Because of my anxiety etc I often worry the negative enrergy is my fault, caused by me. But I do feel that his unbending attitude, allied with his withdrawal when things don’t work according to his plan, and his controlling approach contribute a lot too.

When I am in a bad mood, giving out about something one of the kids have done, he always jumps on it with me, as though he is delighted to have a reason to give out about them. Then it can escalate, as it did yesterday. I was annoyed with my DD, giving out, so he joins in, and then we end up with the emergency stop in the car situation, which I think really shouldn’t have happened. I tried to explain to him this morning that when I am losing my cool I need him to keep his, not to join me in it. I told him I don’t want the kids frightened in their own home, or overly worried about anything. They’ve had a hard enough time with me and their dad splitting up. They told me previously that he has done this kind of thing before when they’ve been with him in the car. I get it, they can be annoying, they squabble and fight like toddlers at times and I know I’ve pulled the car up myself abruptly on occasion to try to get them to stop. BUT I would always apologise after, and explain why I had done it and try to get them to understand the frsutrations.

I know the poor man is finding it hard, he never lived in a family situation since he left his own parents home and apparantly they all put things away and never left a mess there so he can’t understand how it isn’t like that in our home.

He is always kind and loving to me, will apologies if he hurts my feelings etc but he WILL NOT apologise to the kids, it’s almost like a point of honour with him.

I feel like I am living with two people, the loving partner and the gestapo policeman.

I’m the first to admit I can be soft, I’m much more interested in my kids remembering their childhood as a happy, warm place than somewhere they adhered to uncompromising rules – that said, it’s not like I let them run the place. They have bedtimes, there just might be a 20 minute leeway, I do ask them to clear their stuff up and remind them if they don’t, but I understand it is not top of their priorities and might take a while or a few reminders…that sort of thing.

I recently found DP looking at porn online in our shared office when I walked in, something I really wsn’t expecting and it threw me. He tried to pretend he wasn’t but a day or two later admitted he was. TBH I probably wouldn’t have minded except for the lying (exH lied about a lot of sexual stuff so I guess it’s a bit of a trigger, plus I have some personal body perception issues I’m working through so it brought that stuff up too) We talked and I tried to explain how it made me feel and how I really felt I was living with someone I didn’t really know as a result of it (we’d talked about porn before, he knows I am pretty openminded so I didn’t really understand the subterfuge, that threw me) – anyway – as a result he decided he wanted to figure a few things out and is going to counselling now himself. Which I thnk is great, I told him I need him to join me solving this, that I didn’t want the “problems” is our relationship/family life to be all my responsibility (as they were in my last relnship)

But its slow going. At the moment if I bring anything up he dissolves into tears and says he doesn’t know what to do, that part of him feels like just packing up and moving out, but then that he loves me and doesn’t want to lose our relationship.

I did suggest to him before that maybe an option would be for him to move out and get a place nearby, that for the next few years we could continue our relationship as a couple without all the stress that family life is obviously bringing to bear. He absolutely didn’t want to do that said “it wasn’t what I signed up for” – which I do get, but with all the stresses and strains maybe flexibility is needed?

Anyway. I had no idea this would be such a novel. Thanks if you made it to the end. I guess really I am hoping for guidance, is this normal? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Should I be worried? Am I the unfair one being too soft and unreasonable?

I just don’t know. Parenting is hard enough, step parenting is a whole other ball game

Yes change is what's needed, I wouldn't say leave him, it's just you need to show your girls you're not the doormat and start to voice more your opinions and he will have to stop being so selfish and listen and understand how unreasonable he is. You paint a picture of a fantastic man, the gifts for instance, well maybe he wanted the pasta maker and books for himself! I've got a 16 year old and I know what it's like living with a teenager it's not easy! They need their own jobs round the house and rules. He's doing it all as he's got control. Now the wifi thing, I know a lot of homework is now set online, I'm sat at 10:30pm online using my wifi. I get the idea of family time but what's the point when everyone's walking on eggshells to prevent an argument? All of you sit down and devise some new rules. I actually get on with my stepdad really well now 20 years later, it's my mum I can't forgive. Show them you're willing to put them first in some situations.

I also have the tshirt

Hi Calendula - have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty? If you haven't I'd recommend it. My exh is also a high functioning alcoholic & without realising it I spent years after separation dating guys with control issues - they may not have been drinkers but they needed control.
While your Dp may seem very different to your exh externally - I'd be pretty sure that they are actually cut from the same cloth; a cloth that includes the ability to charm, manipulate & tie everyone up in knots in order to constantly be at the centre of attention & drama.
I'm not saying your Dp is a bad man but his behaviour is bad; in truth he sounds like someone who needs order & control to function, & is now overwhelmed by the lack of it. That he is going to counselling is good & an indication that he himself knows on some level that his behaviour is unacceptable & needs addressing. However, as pp have said for your girls sake you really do need to get some breathing space by either ending it or by getting him to move out for a bit.

Your girls have two male influences in their lives at the moment; their dad who is the flaky charmer & their step dad who is controlling and erratic in his affection - both have extremes of behaviour in their personalities & neither are stable or good male role models for your girls & they both run the risk of seeing this type of behaviour as normal or what they deserve in their future relationships - don't do this to them.
You sound like a lovely person & I don't mean any of the above to sound like a lecture - it's just I've sort of been where you are.
Check that book out - it helped me loads in understanding my own tolerance of bad behaviour from others & finally helped me break the cycle of me excusing behaviour I should not tolerate.

I'm not sure I know how bad it is from your posts. The calling other girls horrible names just for feeding the dog a chip sounds really extreme - I would have picked up on that and argued with my DP if they'd ever done that. That is horrible and if I were the girls parents I'd be mad.

The wanting the wifi to stay off I completely understand - if you've agreed certain times then just stick to them. My DP and step kids were constantly 'just' reverting any agreed rules and it drove me crazy. It's undermining him to be asking him to change this. Once or twice if it was important, but more than that, no.

The constantly picking battles with your kids for being normal teenagers is not good. And shouting at them? No. That should either happen rarely or never and come with a full apology from him for losing it to gain their trust again.

I had teenage step kids who drove me crazy with their messiness etc, however you really do have to pick you battles. I was never 'at them' constantly. And I never shouted at them. Ever. Never sad anything to them that was mean, snide, sarcastic. You do have to be pretty respectful as a step parent I think. Even if you don't get respect back.

So... how far do you think your DH is stepping over the line? Is the atmosphere awful because of him? Have you tried going to counselling together? Tried picking 3 main things that he gets bothered about, doing something about it, and then sticking to it. And asking him to leave all else alone?

thanks - I went and got that codependency book in the library today, will get started later. Makes sense

some great insights from you all, I am very grateful

the atmosphere is not always awful by any means, but sometimes it is, and sometimes for days on end

I do accept that I may be too lax, and maybe we would need to sit down and agree ground rules again and then I back him (if he were to stay) it's just he goes all gestapo like over enforcing rules which really makes me back off in horror

And I think, analysing the situation and what you have all said, its the fact that after he loses his cool he simply will not, EVER, apologise to the kids

" And shouting at them? No. That should either happen rarely or never and come with a full apology from him for losing it to gain their trust again. "

see, he will never do the apologising, and it drives me crazy and makes me lose respect for him increasingly. I think it is a deal breaker

interestingly DP mentioned the Karpman Drama Triangle himself this am (when we were discussing things at 5AM unable to sleep) - seems his counsellor has pointed him to it - triangle of "rescuer- perseceutor - victim" and I recognised it from the co-dependency book. It's him to a tee. And his mother. He sees it too. But just cos he has problems does NOT mean I have to now rescue him. God this stuff is hard. But I am learning, and moving forward, and seeking changes to make me and my girls lives a better place...he has his stuff to do, I'm not responsible for it

Oh my god,who the fuck is he to treat yr girls like that...they need to learn ?...do they? Yeah they they need to learn how quickly to leave home ,Ibet you anything op,they will leave at the first opportunity.is he in the army? Or in a family?.hes a nasty bully of a man....and for the record it would be more important to me ,how a man treated my kids ,than how he treats me....LBT...ASAP

I've been in your DDs' position. I even wondered for a moment whether my siblings were on this thread, as so much of what they say really resonates with my own upbringing.

Your DP is following many of the standard manipulation techniques. I remember quite a few from my childhood:

"If it wasn't for these kids, we would be able to..."

"If only these kids would do as they were told for once. You're too soft on them."

"Well if you really want me to, I can go upstairs right now and pack my things.It's just that I've been trying so hard with these kids and they never seem to appreciate anything I do..."

Sound familiar?

The being nice to you is also a big part of the game. It's to show you that he's a big teddy bear really, and to show you that he could be like that all the time if only everyone would obey his every command.

The emergency stop in the car was really scary stuff. Whether or not he intended to hurt your DD, the end result would have been the same. This is someone who lets the red mist descend, no matter what the consequences for your children. I would be very careful indeed.

thanks for all the advice and insights - we have made a plan, including weekly counselling for him , family therapy (just for he and I to talk through issues to do with step-parenting and whether there are practical things we can do better - NOT bringing the kids as I don't feel its appropriate or at all necessary for them to feel part of any problem - they are not) , he is going to start doing a lot less around the house so that he can stop feeling so underappreciated, he is also going to start doing a lot more outside the house ie get personal space so that the orderliness or otherwise in the house loses the significance it seems to have for him and he has, rather momentously, apologised to both girls for his behaviour the other night. The atmosphere was already so much better after he apologised. The kids were so gracious with him it was lovely, so hopefully he understood the benefit to a softer approach.

He has committed (to me) to getting over his inability or reluctance to apologise and asked me to let him know if on any occasion I feel he should have apologised and didn't so that he can rectify it.

On my part I am signing up for not letting him take charge of so much around the house so that the kids and I take more responsibility and control back. We are going to make a list of the areas we are trying to improve and how we need them to improve and review regularly with a major review/decision making point in 2 months time.

I feel much happier about all of this. He seems to be comitted to change and to improving his relationship with both girls (who he really is very find of, just losing sight of how to connect with them as they grow older) I spoke to the kids last night, gently probing how they feel about him and my eldest said I only dislike him sometimes when he is annoying me but I'm fond of him really and would actually miss him if he wasn't around. I'd say she could say exactly the same about me, her dad or her sister on any given occasion! The younger one didn't really commit to anything, positive or negative. It came out that they both just wish things were more "normal" when pressed this emerges that they wish I was still with their dad and that their situation wasn't so unusual. Heartbreaking but nothing I can do about that .

I'm monitoring very very closely. Have managed to cut my work trip away in half and have my sister and a good friend primed and on hand to help out. WHen I asked the DDs about my going away they were keen for me to go, said there have been no incidences of unpleasantness when I've been away before, if anything DP tries harder to be nice when I am not there as they think he feels sorry for them that they might be missing me when I am away. I'm feeling much better about the situation. I told DP in no uncertain terms that the kids and a safe and secure environment for them come first and he gets that and seems to be very committed to making that happen. We will see. I feel like my eyes are fully open now and as long as he is committed to trying and making solid improvements I'm happy but I'm ready to call a halt if I don't get that concrete shift.

There was an episode of Wife Swap where the stepfather was military like strict and sounds really like your DP. The kids didn't like him and the mum knew this 😢 He was so controlling and uptight about mess (like a pair of shoes sitting out) and imposed fines on the DC. She made excuses for him the way you are, it was only when she went to stay in the other house that she realized how unhappy her DC were. Very sad to watch. You are right OP it is not your responsibility to 'fix' him

For the sake of your girls I would leave.

OP I'm glad to read your most recent update.

I think some of the replies are very dramatic, apart from being a bit hot tempered and not especially understanding of teenagers (a notoriously difficult stage and I imagine a challenge to deal with for a non-parent) I don't think your DP sounds abusive.

He might be a bit of a stickler for rules but the things he's getting annoyed about are things that the girls do need to learn, tidying up after themselves, not being late etc. Perhaps he emergency stopped the car because he thought your DD was trying to get out?

I'm not saying I agree with him losing his rag over small stuff constantly at all, he needs to work on that, but I do think that it's so much easier to overlook stuff when you're a parent. You can forgive and accept a lot when it's your own kids, whereas your DP doesn't have that foundation.

I think since you've been together so long and he used to be so good with the kids, it's more likely he's just struggling with this new stage of their development and he doesn't have that bond of parental love to help him through.

Good luck with your plan, I'm glad it's feeling better :)

OP, I haven't posted before because what I would have written would have gone against the grain here.

There is a common trend here when it comes to advice. If your relationship is not perfect, you should leave asap.

I don't agree with this at all. ALL relationship are tough, all go through difficult times, and nobody is perfect. Step families are just even more complex and therefore require even more commitment to make them work.

OH, DC and I have gone through ups and downs since together and we still continue to make adjustments and many many compromises so that we can all be happy overall.

It's not perfect and is unlikely to ever be, but personally, whatever the dynamics of the family, I don't know any where everyone is always satisfied. Those who are happy are those who are prepared to talk through the issues and evolve.

Your OH seems to be prepared to do this, as you and your kids are. My view is that as such, it makes your family committed and therefore capable of being a happy family.

As said, my family has had ups and downs. It hasn't be easy for any of us and sometimes, we get frustrated. DH doesn't have any children and as such, hasn't been exposed to how children turning teenagers evolve in their generation. He can only go by what he and his peers were like at that age at that time, with of course the inevitable selective memory. Adding to this the fact that it's so much easier to tolerate teenagers when you love them regardless of their behaviour, it is a very different experience to share your life with teenager as a parent than as a step-parent without children.

DH found it hard to adjust to my two becoming teenagers and when DD went through it first, he struggled to like her. That stage was short for her though and they managed to rekindle their relationship quickly. It's been harder with DS though. DD is naturally a pleaser, DS isn't, so his attitude is that if OH doesn't like him, tough.

As it stands, they very much ignore each other. Should I leave because of this? Of course not! Yes, this is inevitably having some effect of them, but to the point of saying they are unhappy and would be much happier if we divorced, of course not! DS is getting to 15 and starting to come out of the worse side of teenagehood and I am very confident that they will become closer again.

OH has told me that one of his closest friend is experiencing the same issue with his own son (married to his mum for 20 years, no issue with eldest child) and despite being very close when he was younger, they are now at massive logheads, and that's his own son. I think it helped OH see that it is not forcibly him doing something wrong but that teenage years can be very difficult even for parents.

All those posters who shout 'abuse, leave etc...', I always wonder whether they really all live in a perfect bubble with perfect children and partners and therefore assume that everyone else should, or whether it is more a case of it being easier to advise to leave, when themselves, they wouldn't do so under the same circumstances.

Whatever you do OP, I wish you happiness for your and your children.

bibidy and swingofthings - thanks so much for your very considered responses. I've been thinking along similar lines. He is not a bad man, just a bit of a stickler and not at all used to the transition to teenagerhood. He is taking it all very seriously (has been close to tears on occasion, worrying that he is making us all unhappy) and doing his best. We had a great evening tonight, playing board games and he was joking along with the kids and trying to help my youngest learn how to click her fingers :-) I do think there will be steps forward, and steps back but for me the main thing is the comittment to make things better. I completely agree that no relationship can be perfect and that moments of crisis/rupture (such as that we currently find ourselves in) can, if dealt with properly and head on (as I feel we are doing) actually make things stronger. Thanks for sharing details of your situation SoT which sounds very similar, it is good to hear we are not alone in our struggles and I wish you and yours the very best too.

Perhaps he emergency stopped the car because he thought your DD was trying to get out?

He definitely is a considerate man eh? Personally I think he did it as he hoped he'd get away with whatever the consequences were of slamming the brakes on. As it happens, looks like he was right.

I have never read so many bloody excuses or so much bullshit. You said he called your daughters cunts and then you said he didn't call them names. What a joyless pig of a man you have inflicted on your poor children. Teenagers with no wifi access on a Sunday? Your plan is fanciful. You risk losing your children if you don't wake up and start dealing with reality. He was close to tears!!?? He is a horrible, controlling, abusive man.

I'm still confused about how extreme it is OP.

I think there's a huge difference between wanting a no wifi Sunday (fine) and shouting on a regular basis / calling a girl a horrible name (extreme and worrying).

OP you need to be clear?

She was clear. He called two unrelated teenage girls cunts when they fed his dog a chip. (Not exactly pleasant behaviour). This was years ago when they were dating. He hasn't called her children that at all.

My mistake about him calling two random teenage girls cunts, and not the OP's DDs. Though that is also very concerning and if he called my daughters cunts he wouldn't know what had hit him. Highly abusive individual anyway. Lundy Bancroft, sergeant major.

wow, thanks all. A lot of strong opinions voiced. I'm working hard with my own counsellor to learn to trust myself, my own intuition and opinions etc so while I am really grateful to all for their input I am also feeling fairly solid that the plan I have in place is reasonable and that I am not being hoodwinked by a dedicated abuser. My eyes are open, I am looking out for my DDs and myself and have concrete steps in place. If my DP fails to live up to his side of the "bargain" I will put plan B into action, but for now all signs are positive (he has arranged counselling for later this afternoon, he is keen to come to the family therapist with me, he has been looking at office space outside the home so he gets a bit more headspace) - as I said I know there will be steps forward, and some steps back but I am trusting myself. I have had enough varied opinions on here and advice from people who've been in the same and similar situations to appreciate both sides. My Dsis and friend, both of whom know him well feel that my plan is a good one, but ultimately the call is down to me.

On the question of the "cunt" namecalling - I was quite clear he never used that term about my daughters, no matter what the situation we would never have moved on had he.

At the time I did call him out on it, as I was shocked said I found it offensive and a huge overreaction to the situation, he was a bit surprised and told me that in dutch (which is his native tongue) the term isn't as offensive as in English. He did register my reaction though and has never used it since, either to anyone else or my kids.

I'm sure there will be those who call me out for "excuses" and "bullshit" on this front too.

However, as a point of interest I did look up the term "cunt" as an abusive term in the dutch language (which is DPs native tongue) and found the following:

Kut is a word for the vagina. It is commonly used as a curse word. It can be used as an expletive, as an adjective or as an adverb. Several common expressions use the word kut, such as "ik voel me kut" ("I feel cunt" – "I don't feel good"), "het examen ging kut" ("the exam went cunt" – "the exam went badly") and "het weer is kut" ("the weather is cunt" – "the weather is bad"). Compare klote. Its common idiomatic use in the phrase "wat kut voor je" ("how cunt for you") expresses roughly the same sentiment as the English "I'm sorry to hear that", albeit in a somewhat profane way. When used as a noun to refer to a woman, the meaning of kut is analogous to the English severity of the word cunt. (Huppelkut is a common comedic variation of this use.)

Thanks again for all the perspectives.

though just after i posted i read this bit which I hadn't noticed before "When used as a noun to refer to a woman, the meaning of kut is analogous to the English severity of the word cunt. " so maybe it is as offensive in certain situations though he said not at the time (and I never looked it up then), anyway, point is, he hasn't used it since...

CaR remember that a forum is just a lot of strangers who can only give advice on the snipet of information shared which of course will be what is negative and who might have given very different advice if it was their best friend in the same situation.

It is very helpful to get different perspectives and raise questions that might not have been considered but in the end you are right to go with your gut feeling because you will inevitably know best.

As you've said there is always time to reconsider your decision if things don't improve.

Really swing, you think the children need to compromise and be committed (when in the OP's case it involves emotional abuse)to the adults relationship? Genuine question BTW. My mum was of that ilk and my siblings and I had to put up with some real crappy stuff that has stayed with us to adulthood. My family life is far from perfect, but I would never ask my children to be patient with someone that I had brought into the house who clearly didn't like them.

My child hood was blighted by an abusive strict parent. I couldn't wait to get away.
Relationship with both parents ruined now.

The 'compromise on all sides' approach is wholly inappropriate when dealing with a highly abusive individual. The impact of it is the abuser becomes more arrogant and convinced they are in the right, and the DCs and/or partner experience either a slightly watered down form of control/abuse or a more subtle one that is even more tightly controlling. You do not meet an abuser half way. Which of your P's rules has he agreed to drop? What has he demanded in return?