Hurt by breakdown of relationship with SS

[BringMeSunshinePlease]

My step son is 18 so technically an adult. I've been with his father 3 years almost. We're planning to marry.

Me and his dad had a row, not a serious one, just a silly one over a silly minor thing. He was at ours overnight and heard some of this row (we thought we were quiet but obviously not) he heard us both quite cross with each other. We both said stuff we didn't mean. We're over the row, kissed and made up quickly.

Up until now I've enjoyed a good relationship with SS. We are friendly and kind and thoughtful to each other, it's worked well. I received a text 2 days after the row with his dad. It was scathing, telling me he was disgusted and ashamed at me plus other hurtful comments. I didn't engage in conversation, I apologised he'd heard the row and said I didn't know how to respond. Since then he's had conversation with his dad where he's been very unkind about me. I've stayed out of it but his dad has tried to explain the row was between us both and we both said things we wish we hadn't to each other. Ultimately DH thinks we just need to move on without addressing it.

I'm struggling to move on. I don't feel like I have his father's support and I'd quite like to tell him to mind his own business now.

Grateful for your comments.

He's 18, heard things because you didn't keep it quiet and built an opinion from it. There is nothing you can do about it.

You've apologised but clearly he's been upset about it. You can maybe suggested you talk it though, maybe he only heard what you said and not what his dad said, but you can't stop him think what he thinks. He can be told to but out, but again, that won't take away what you said which clearly upset him.

Hopefully time will heal and he'll move on from it.

I think you need to think carefully about what you both said, if your ss is that upset it can't have been a silly row. If you and you finance often say hurtful things to each other you need to stop doing it

Obviously what he heard has changed his opinion of you. You cant tell him to mind his own business because it became his business when he heard you saying nasty things to his dad.

This isn't something you can expect him to forgive and forget just because you kissed and made up with his dad. The only way you could rebuild the trust is by deserving his trust by demonstrating through what you say and do to his dad, to him and to others that you are not the person he believes you showed yourself to be that night. That takes time.

I don't think there is a 'moving on'. If he texted you to say some hurtful comments then that's quite a big thing for any relationship. He may be overreacting but if this is the first time he has been cross with you - then he feels to him your argument was a big thing.

I know it's really hard to know what to do. And backing off might seem right. However he did text you, he is an adult, and in some ways at least he wanted to reach out directly to you. Your reaction of not knowing how to react, although understandable, might not be clear enough.

You still don't know -

• what it is that he really objected to? Take him seriously on this one. Listen to him. Even if you don't agree.

He still doesn't know -

• how hurt you felt by the text. Why it hurt you. Why you feel that the argument has now been made up with your husband.

I would talk to him. With your husband if need be.