Aloha, Franny&Zooey - other intelligent, sensitive types...

[boysontoast]

hiya.

having read a bit on other threads in stepparenting from Aloha, im hoping she might be able to shed some light for me here

and also having a fair dollop of respect for Franny, i hope she can maybe put in a bit...

(ooo, get me, being specific in my calls for help!)

all comments welcome obv

ANYWAY, to cut to the chase;

i find my relationship with my stepson (do i call him dss? makes me think of 'Bread'...)
he is only 7, so i know he needs good strong caring dependable adult influences... i am just struggling really hard to be that for him and it breaks my heart.
his behaviour is, um ,challenging. he has been overindulged materially but, i believe, starved emotionally his whole life (that is to say; his mother is a poisonous cow who both dotes on him and emotionaly blackmails him and is seemingly impossible to predict)...

oh this is so difficult to explain. am re-reding each sentence as i type and dont think i am being v eloqent about it...

i guess, for me, i want to know how i can seperate my distaste for her (and i have truly never known anyone quite so vile) from my relationship with him. when he is rude or brattish, i see her and her influence in him and that is so not fair on him. i want to be a better stepmother. i want him to love and depend on me, to know he is allowed/able to anyway. and i want to love him. i tell him i do, but it feels like i am carrying the great weight of this guilty sectret that i just dont like him. in fact, there is much i do love about him, i just find his bahving like a little prince who the world was born to serve, frustrating to say the least.
i have even gone as far as trying to get a hypnotherapist to make me love him! (tho i felt silly and asked her to get me to stop biting my nails instead. which i havnt so im glad i didnt bother with the stuff that mattered afterall)

i should say that we are not having a crisis. there is no great emergency... but for his sake i want to find a way to be more peaceful with him, less judgmental of his behaviour and able to LOVINGLY guide him when his behaviour is unnacceptable.

should i just find a better hypnotherapist? or study Buddhism? help me get some perspective please.

btw - what i find so vile about her is that she can put her own feelings before those of her own (or any) child.

which of course, sickeningly ironically, makes me a big fat hypocrite now...

when he was about 4 he used to call me 'spare mum' affectionately... but she told him he already has a mum, doesnt need another and he is not to call me that. now he calls me by my forst name instead.

he has the impression from her that they are just holding out for me and our 3 dc to bugger off so they can be a family again. which is so wrong. (for the record, i dint split them up, they were almost diverced already and she left him anyway)

he told me he was sad one night b/c he and his mummy were searching for a new daddy but they couldnt find one.

she put the idea in his head that we are a replacement for him. so not true. he will always be dps son, and our dc's brother.

nah I'd skip the Buddhism LOL_ have ahd 2 years of the subject and still not a perfect individual - Jainism???

Seriosusly it sounds ike you are doing OK. You can't make yourself love him, that will either come or not- and invariably I find that you learn if you do in a crises, not day to day.

All kids are brattish, tbh, sometimes, and none of us are perfect. I know it must be hard to see whats happening to yhis child, but what his Mum isdoing is emotionally abusive- mild end of the scaler perhaps, but it is. So perhaps sympathy is the emotion to try and devlop at this stage?

I think the best thing yu can do for your stepson is to try and be consistent. It might take a while to work outm but I would expeect that to grow into a respect from him. Eventually. AS long as his Mum is there giving him all the material stuff you're not going to change much, but its your choice how you act.

FWIW your DH must have seen something good in this woman? nobody (almost) is pure evil, maybe you need to find out what that good thing (however small) is and focus on that? EEven if all you do is say 'Ah I like that jumper your Mum got you- she ahs good taste in jumpers'- that sends out a signal to DS/S that you're not in competition with his Mum on every level, and he's not going to bond with someone he feels is anti his Mum, especially ime at 7.

I don't have stepkids btw- just trying to be supportive!

i have to go out for the day... so not answering posts is not me being rude... will check in later.

btw 0 spelling mistakes are typos. am a crap typist, but i can spell, not that that has anything to do w anything, im just slighyly baffled by my own typos sometimes...

Hi Boysontoast, I have lots of stepchildren(4 in all) and I certainly don't love all of them. I do love the eldest two and I know that they love me but the younger ones find it difficult to form a relationship with me for much of the same reasons as you give. Their mum s a pretty fucked up individual who has consistantly put her feelings first. Imo this is the very reason that the older ones appreciate me, because they know this about her and appreciate that their dad and I don't do this. Sad really.

In my experience being a decent stepparent means playing the long game. All you can do is be a consistant, loving and fair influence in his life. Enable him to have a close and loving and fun relationship with his siblings and his dad and don't really expect much back. It sounds a bit grim but in all honesty, as far as I am concerned the dsc's were around before I was and it is up to me, as the adult to compromise( without being made a total fool of, of course). I know that when they are older they will really appreciate your loving presence, particularly if their mum is a bit loopy.

Good luck.

oh blimey

I have total performance anxiety now, being mentioned in same breath as Aloha

I have to go and make a marble run but will be back later

I've been a step-parent for 7 years, and it isn't easy. I think the adults need to sort themselves out and then the relationship with the kids then follows. It's one thing for you not to like his mum all that much but it starts to really affect you if you decide that she is just awful and therefore you have to be perfect to somehow compensate for this. She might make a terrible ex-partner but that doesn't make her a bad mum. The problem with trying to be perfect is that none of us can actually do it. Kids are always challenging, that is not anyone's fault, it's just how it is. It is hard enough when you are a parent and you have the incredible bond that gets you through, but when you don't have that bond but are trying to be perfect, it's doomed to failure.

I would just try and not worry about his mum too much and just try to focus on the things you like to do together. Also, you don't need to be a spare mum. You are his dad's partner which is a very different role. It's an easier one too as you don't then have to be a perfect mum type person, you just have to welcome him, look after him and support his dad as well.

I'd make a rubbish spare mum but I am a half decent person in the life of my step-daughter, and I'm a good partner/wife. I'm also a fab mum as it turn out too

Just go easy on yourself and set your sights a a bit lower and it all might feel a bit easier. Good luck.

(not gone out yet)

thank you Peachy. v good advice. i will certainly do that complimenting thing.

in my ideal world, shed be a fixture in our lives - as a parent in this extended family she just blinkin would be around and we'd all just have to get along and be, well, adults.
but she doesnt see it that way. has made it perfectly clear she wants nothing to do with me and has barely had a conversation with me.

and no doubt shes not all bad - shes just one of those people with a 'with me or against me' mentality. which i happen to beleive is a pile of shit, especially when a child suffers as a result. stupid bint.

Caremenere - thank you! your experience and perspective are very much of value to me right now.

F&Z - lol. dont sweat it, just your take on how i manage my feelings when you get the chance would be v much appreciated. enjoy the marble run.

beansprout. wise words from you too.
you are right, that the longer the situation has gone on, the less respect i have for her. and the more i dislike her, the harder it is to be around him. how bloody sad is that??

i really will try to stand back a bit, take the wider view and just be consistent for him as his dads partner and his brothers' mum.
thank you all for your support.

God, you know I am very flattered that you were interested in what I had to say, but I don't feel very qualified to answer this one. I read the other replies and though "I don't understand what it is like to be in a step family". I think you have had great advice here and hope that you can put some of it to good use.

The thing I was focusing on when I read your post was that I sometimes feel all the same emotions about my son as you do about your stepson - you know, the rude, brattish, little prince parts. However it doesn't matter that I sometimes feel that because I am so bonded with him (oh, and the fact that he is only 3 helps, as well ).

Anyway I was wondering if there are things that you can do to kind of artificially enhance bonding - physical stuff such as wrestling, tickling, cuddling, maybe give a hand or foot or back massage if you feel that would be appropriate, as much skin to skin as is appropriate or comfortable for him and you - go swimming and muck about in the pool together - wash and dry his hair for him - does this all sound mad? I was just wondering if you could get some bonding type hormones going if it would help you out...

Having fun together would hopefully have the same kind of effect - is there an activity that you both enjoy that excludes the others, maybe? Or something that the two of you could learn to do together? A sport / martial art / craft activity / supporting the same team / going to a pop concert together?

And lots of eye contact, deliberately smile at him a lot (releases pleasurable chemicals in your brain), give him compliments, all the things you are doing already. I think you will be fine in the long run, I really do - you are very aware and you want the relationship to work, and maybe these things could just help a tiny bit with what you are already doing. If you are the sort of person who does respond well to hypnosis or suggestion you could try something like affirmations directed at your relationship with your dss - "I feel loving thoughts towards dss" etc etc. Not really my thing but could work for you. I think the hypnosis thing was inspired! Who's to say it might not work?

I think the advice to find some forgiveness or understanding for his mother is very important, as well. God knows how you do that. Have you ever prayed? I am not a Christian, but I do sometimes pray, and asking for help with specific things like this can really focus the mind and help you to see things from a different POV. I have found praying for the person I find really hard to deal with, can sometimes be useful. Not "I wish that X could stop being such a hag" but "I hope that X can get a new job that she likes better" or "I hope that X can get over this bout of ill health." Just thinking about things from the other person's perspective like that, helps me to gain some empathy, which I otherwise struggle with. Just saying "Help me to forgive X", out loud or in your head, or "I want to forgive X", can be a powerful thing to try.

Apologies if this is psycho bullshit but I was trying to pick up on the way you approach things from your OP - the hypnosis and the Buddhism. If anything I have said has been of the slightest use I will be very glad.

You know who would be very useful - Greeny. She has great compassion and empathy and has a wealth of experience of difficult family circumstances. I will put out a call for her as I am sure she will have wise words

ah franny. your gentle lentil weaving slightly off the wall compassion was just what i was looking for, so thank you

and the other advice is all v much appreciated too... is practical and doable etc... its the feelings i have that i struggle with... and i think a pinch of this and a dab of that from your post will certainly help me to back up a bit from the wall ive got myself up against and let me look for other ways round...

ill try to get more 'bonding' time with him. hes getting a bit bigger and rougher than wimpy old me can take so we dont roll about as much as when he was little, but i do certainly tickle him and we do have a laugh. like i say, we're not at a crisis point, but i do feel v sad when i become aware of negative feelings i have and feel v strongly that i need to deal with without hurting him.

i already try to give him and dp space to be together too...(at my suggestion, dp now sleeps in the bed with him when he comes to stay - 2 days in every 14 is not much to give up i thought, and it seems to have done wonders for his security) but i will try to build more time for that. and his relationships with my dc are getting better all the time.

Is it guilt, then? You're guilty for not loving him more? I do think you are being quite hard on yourself...

I love the fact that dp and he share a bed when he stays over.

And rereading my post I realised that combined with the secular prayers , it looks like I have advised you that God has the wisdom to help you find forgiveness.

That may be the case but it is not my personal belief. What I mean (but was trying to be more cultured about saying) was "F--- know how you find forgiveness"

LOL. yes, i got that. (the F knows bit rather than god will light the way bit. hehe)

you know, the more i talk to anyone about the things that bother me, the more often i hear people saying im hard on myself, that i am trying to be perfect, that i make crippling guilt an inevitabilty by doing so...

ok, so whats the one line universal easy peasy answer to stopping that then??

(apolgies. in quite a melancholy mood today)

Well I think partly it is a bit rude of people to keep saying "Oh stop feeling guilty" instead of just acknowledging how hard things are! It's the equivalent of saying "buck up" to a depressed person, really, isn't it?

Erm....my grandmother used to always say that feeling guilty was a very self-centred thing to do.

Any help? No? Never worked for me, either

lol. she has a point actually...

i think i have too much time on my hands, am too used to being all introspective and self analysing (snore!) and should basically just shut up, get on with it and get out more!

(but im allowed to say that coz im me. anyone else does and i'll cry)

Okay i'm not sure what to say really but i wanted to post something as as i was reading your op i was nodding my head in a very familiar way...what i mean is that there seems to be very common elements to being a sp and i think that this 'guilt issue' about not loving you sk's as much you would like is a common one - i certainly felt like that esp. about my dss (7 when i met him, 10 now).

One suggestion would be to stop examining your feelings so much - your ss won't be doing that about you - adults do this not kids. Accept the way you feel, you may not love him but some people don't love theie neice / nephew, god-children etc, love grows and that take years and years. My mum is a step-parent too and she would say that it took her years to love my brother possibly 10-12 and there were loads of problems but now she sees us all the same.

I'm going on a bit but all i'm trying to say really is just be consistnet and feel the way you do, you are trying too hard to live up to a type of step-parent you want to be - when at the end of the day i'm betting you are a lovely and NORMAL step-parent just like us all...stresses, resentment, anger, love, control, guilt, happiness - all included!

ps boysontoast - try not to worry about the mum - i'm not over keen on ss mum either but he loves her to bits really and at the end of the day thats good - i don't rate her much but we just have a different approach to parenting. I was also wondering how much emotions are heigtened whenb kids and separations involved for example my friends son was playing football and her ex-partner was there watching and happened to comment that he needed to run faster. Mum was horrified and took offence but a blether over a g&t highlighted that if they were still together she would have probably laughed with him. What i'm saying is that it's maybe because she's the mum that you find her so difficult to cope with - you are probably going to find fault with everything she does really that's just life and us being grown-up kids really (or maybe thats just me) xxxxx

stoppinattwo is really good at step parenting stuff if you come across her

i am also nodding my head in familiarity at some of the things you say. although most of the wise and wonderful things have been said already, something that works for me (sometimes) is that when they are really doing my head in (as indeed does dd!), i "pretend" that they are really mine and say to myself "how would i react if this was dd?" it really does help me to smile and hug when i really want to shout and stamp

best of luck. you're not alone

Hope this isn't too blunt - you're obviously in a difficult situation, and it's good that you're trying so hard to find a constructive way of dealing with it - but coming to this thread cold, I'd say that your basic problem isn't with the child, it's with the mother. That's the relationship that you really need to sort out. If you can find a way to have some compassion/understanding for her - even if it's just on the basis that you're happily partnered-up and she's obviously sad about being alone - then you might find that relations with the son get a lot easier. Nothing you've said about her behaviour really sounds that vile - irritating maybe, but could you make a super-human effort to rise above?

oh hello other people, and thanks for your comments.

rowan, yes. i do beleive that my feeings about her are 'poisoning' my feelings for him...and i do realise that i have not been being terribly adult about allowing myself to get more and more negative about her - though, to be fair to myself, she doesnt really get any better over time lol. i think its my disapointment and realisation that she hasnt gotten over whatever issues she has about us and risen above it... that she never will i guess (unless some madman marries her)
sorry, i am being a bit flippant there... i know nothing ive said makes her look all that bad, but i really cant be bothered to waste any of my energy dredging it up. to put it shortly, and mildly, shes an extremely selfish and rude person. absolutely nothing matters in her mind but her stuff, her timetable, her wants... ive met some pretty self centred people beleive me, and this one really takes the biscuit.

ANYWAYS i have digressed.

i do actually feel much clamer and more able to face the next w/end visit... and will certainly revisit this thread and refresh in my mind some of the tips and tactics mentioned... its an amazing thing to have this outlet, a way to discuss this stuff honestly and constructively. was feeling v sad and pent up before i started this thead. no dobt i will again at times, but will cross that bridge then

OH - the buddhism comment in the OP was a slightly flippant reference to a brilliant book im reading about a buddhist detective in bangkok. v v good

thank you ENTP

i just had a thought about getting some of my favourites of my own parents girlfriends together and asking how they felt about us (my siblings and i)... may be quite revealing!

i mean, my parents both had girlfriends after they divorced each other, and i have favourites amongst them

boysontoast,

Sounds like your doing great to me I've been a step-mum of 3 for 8yrs now and it's never been easy.

I too had problems due to dh ex wife telling the kids lies about they dad and me and it caused a number of issues within my relationship to them and me marriage but they are all now in their later teens and I have a fairly good relationship with them.

I've had times when I wished they hadn't been born of dh and ex's relationship as mil put ex much higher than me always and it drove me bad.

Just recently the lies ex told have all come out and my dsc have been through hell learning that their father wasn't the evil man she mad out for the past 13 yrs and this has caused a lot of pain.

Your dss will find out the truth when he's older and then it's up to him what he does with it dss1 cut contact for years and is only just coming back after ds3 was born 6 mths ago he does adore my dd1 & 2 and ds3. He still has problems with dh as he was told he attacked his mother all lies but he's had these since he was 5yrs old.

Just be yourself with dss if he doesn't like you theres nothing much you can do about it. Make sure you treat all the children the same and make him feel that your home is also his whether is mother disagrees or not he'll be happy to now that he does belong in your home and life. Yes sc can be so nasty with want they say and you know it's from the mother/father who they live with but they will normal remain totally loyal to that parent even when the full truth is out in the open.

Tell him that he can call you whatever he wants as long as it's nice my dsc used to call me stum (step-mum) and I didn't mind now they use my Christian name but I always get mothers day cards and texts from dss2 and dsd3.

Keep calm it's hard at times but worth it in the long run you sound like your doing really well just keep going.

Sounds like ex is of you and if so is comments will be fueled by her and they may well get worse before they get better but when he gets old enough to understand he's being used he'll not say anything to you or anything to her. step-children end up filtering info before saying anything to a parent about the other.

Keep strong - it's worth it I'd not be without dsc now they are part of dh and a hugh part of my life and family at the end of the day they are my children's siblings

boysontoast

sorry meant to add that I personally hate dh ex wouldn't pee on her if she was on fire but true she's evil but thats my feelings and I've had to learn to hide this through not easy.

These are not made any easily by the fact that dh also hates her they don't talk haven't for years she can't stand him and he only wishes her good health for the sake of his kids he says that if it wouldn't hurt his kids then he'd not be bothered whether she was alive or not. can't go into it all but when she kicked him out she made up big lies to stop him having access and she even had him arrested for trying to see them he was very close to ending his life his children are the center of his World so this was the best way she could hurt him and thats what she did.

Why or why do parents use their children as weapons against each other it totally damages the children and the parents - it's like you have to get back at an ex so the best way is to use the kids - so wrong and evil.

Don't blame your dss he's only a tool to cause upset to you and this is sure to be eating him up and he just needs you to see past this and love him for the person he truly is and he'll love you in return for this

thank you CGOM for reminding me... the poor little bugger hardly needs me being a pain in the neck for him given his own mum is so hard to live with... that is just the sort of perspective i need to help me not get wound up by him - to remember hes not only a kid, but a wee bit of a victim too
still, he seems happier lately... and you on this thread are ALL right to say, and i will, continue to let him know this is his home whenever he wants it to be. always the same, always here, always loving him.

Blimey, that's the most flattering thing ever!

My daughter's mother has never spoken a word to me in nearly ten years. Mad, isn't it? I met her daughter when she was six, she and my dh had split up when she was two when she met someone else, and she now has three more children with her millionaire husband. But hey ho. She also did her best to make our lives miserable when dh and I got together, for reasons I never really got. I think she liked the idea of his being miserable and bereft, tbh.
And yes, it can be hard when all that is going on and the child is with you. I think you do have to just let it go. Forge a completely separate relationship with the child. Tbh, I do not think it is a terribly good idea to continue the sleeping apart thing now. Yes, yes, yes, to bedtime stories and fun and playtime and giving your stepchild lots of time with their natural parent, but I also think in the long term they like to think you are happy as a couple together. I know my stepdaughter does. And from that position of family strength you can radiate love to him. Actually, if he is really scared, you could lie down with him. When my stepdaughter has been ill or frightened I have slept with her, or stroked her back or whatever she needed, and it has really helped our bond. She still talks about the time she was ill and I rubbed her feet until she fell asleep and I think she was only about seven. I have also taken her out separately myself. She went on a wedding dress shop with me and my best friend when she was eight and I was marrying her dad. That was a really lovely day I will never, ever forget. Look for your dh in his face and her manner. Do you have children with your dh? Think of him as your children's brother, not his mother's son. He is your family, bound to your children by blood and you by love. I was talking to my stepdaughter the other night because her friend, who also has a stepmother and stepfather but whose father is getting divorced, and she said that her friend wished her stepmother was like me, which was so lovely, and I said, I couldn't bear the thought that she wouldn't see her brother and sister so much...and then thought again and said, 'and as for the thought that I wouldn't see you, that would be terrible', and we both sat in silence for a moment thinking of something so ghastly.
I believe physical touch is the most important form of communication with young children. Give him a hug, hold his hand, kiss him, ruffle his hair. Smell his head. Those things make a child feel more like yours, I think. Don't push yourself to love him, or expect him to love you. Accept that your feelings for him will be different in kind to that of your feelings for your biological children. It takes the pressure off, it's honest, and it leaves room for love to grow. This weekend we all had such a lovely time and I just felt this big, big rush of love for my stepdaughter, who is 15. She was poorly and I brought her a Lemsip with honey and hot water bottle and stroked her hand and we felt very close. This is not a sprint. It's a marathon. I hope to hold her children one day.