Emotional turmoil

[App73]

Hello. Any advice would be appreciated.
My oh has 2 sons aged 4&7. We've been together for 2 years and recently got married. The mother is very controlling and my oh was in a domestically abusive relationship for years with her. We have had many outbursts from her and especially in front of the children. we will now only communicate in email to try and protect the boys from the upset.
I always had a good, fun relationship with the boys. But the mother and grand mother are telling the boys 'if they love their mummy, then they are not allowed to like me'. This is putting them in a very difficult position. The m and gm sit and have conversations with the children around slagging off my oh and I. She will blame my oh for all sorts of things and tell the children it's all daddy's fault. When he's had nothing to do with it.

The eldest already suffers from a mild form of autism and really struggles in social situations. We are constantly trying to reassure him and encourage him and he is making massive steps, he will even get his hands dirty now without having a meltdown, it's such a massive achievement.

My concern is how do we deal with the emotional turmoil my step sons are in? For example. I'll be playing a board game with the boys and they'll suddenly stop playing and say they aren't allowed. The youngest will curl up in a ball and the eldest will play in the corner on his own. It's heartbreaking seeing them behave like this, Especially as the people who are supposed to love and protect them are the ones upsetting them.

Hi, can I just ask how you know about the BM's and GM's chats and what they have said to the boys?

Explain to them in your home you can choose yourself who you love and who is your friend.

That dm may have rules at her house but they aren't the same as yours and that's OK.

Give examples of rules at say your dm house - daft ones like only 2 biscuits or shoes off at the door, that everyone has their home their way and different is fine!!

Thanks for your comments. We know what they have been saying as the eldest tells us some things that have been said or he will make very random statements. For example. My oh didn't know about the school play. So obviously wasn't there. The bm, told him 'daddy didn't want to come'. So as you can imagine he was very upset. She tells them that when they are out with daddy she will sit at home all alone waiting for them to come back. And they both often tell me, they aren't allowed to play with me.

I'd be careful of making assumptions of what is said or happening at their mum on what a 7 year old is saying. My kids at that age could say interesting things that could be interpreted very differently to what they meant.

Why is your dh not communicating with the school himself? Can he not look on the school website for the dates of school plays etc and ensure he is on their email and texting lists?

We've contacted the school a number of times and discussed the issues with the school at parents evening. After the last incident we made a formal complaint to the school and they have finally acknowledged the lack of communication and have advised us of a website we can access with all events on.

That stupid, selfish woman is using her DC n a pointless war against their DF and you. Will she blame herself when they grow into damaged young men....I doubt it seriously?!

How often do you have the boys? If dad is the NRP (non-resident parent) then there is little you can do about the parental alienation. In my experience this results in children cutting off/reducing contact with NRP or lying to RP. Either way it's really sad that she can't see that it's abusive. (I'm assuming that the 7 year old is being accurate and interpreting things correctly and not making stories up to deal with his guilt that he likes you)

Oh God be so careful.

My kids no longer see their dad. There ended up being provable physical abuse. It's been a while. So I'm kinda coming at it with the relief of being out of the situation.

DD has since told me a few minor things were made up. The "he said this to me" the s/he was slugging you off so that's why I'm being awkward and upset now" kind of things, or where they felt uncomfortable/didn't want to do something so blamed it on the absent parent who they knew wasn't much liked. A kind of survival tactic. Done to both parents.nothing big (sadly she was telling the truth about the physical stuff) but the exact type of stuff mentioned in the OP. Sometime it did happen (both ways) but not necessarily when she said it did

It's so easy to assume parental alienation. The truth is often far more complex. Especially when it's to do with loyalty or disloyalty (there own not imposed) to a parent who isn't there.

Either way softly softly kill it with kindness is by far the best approach. Keep your boundaries for behaviour. Try to comment on the ex's as little as possible. Always answer truthfully, especially if it is a direct question about an ex and unpleasant, but offer up the option for the child to open out of asking"you don't really have to hear this but I will always answer as truthfully as possible." Don't make assumptions about what has or hasn't happened or been said at their other home. Hang in there it's hard.

FwIW you OH's ex not being messenger is not parental alienation contact about events was raised by my ex against me in court . The court mostly ran with the parental alienation my ex was alledging, but they gave that very short shift. Your OH is responsible for that and it will help the child to take responsibility for that communication, apologise when it goes wrong. Helps the kid stop feeling their at fault or not loved enough. Mistakes happen

Oh and kids do work it out for themselves. You won't necessarily feel how you think you will when they do. I thought this would be a good thing and in many ways it is.but it felt awful. It is one of the sadest feeling going. And years after we are still dealing with the fallout.

Sorry OP, bm? I assume you are using that as short for birth mother? DON'T. She is their mother. You seem very overinvolved, you barely know this man or his family after 2 years. Put yourself in her shoes for a bit. The youngest was only 2 when you got together with their dad. The oldest was 5 - you say he has autistic tendencies. These often are starting to show quite obviously at that age, start of school, mixing with other children. So there is Mum dealing with 2 very young children and all the hard work that goes with that, the breakdown of her marriage and then you on the scene having fun. Not quite as you portray it really, is it?

I mentioned parental alienation in reference to what the grandmother and mother were allegedly saying. Dad should be in contact with school with regards to school events. Telling dad about school events is not mum's job.

Childmaintenanceserviceenquiry. Im guessing by the tone of your message you have been in this situation. I haven't come on here for negative attitudes I genuinely wanted some impartial advice. What I have said is honest and unfortunately accurate.

I would like to thank Mrscropley, I have taken your advice and today the boys have been so much better. Thank you so much.

Glad things are looking up. I have been a sm before and our house was the only place the dsd didn't have nightmares or wet the bed. .
Her dm pandered to her every whim and the poor dc didn't have any rules /boundaries or anything positive said about her df. I know she felt guilt for being with us until we did similar to what I suggested to you. She seems to breath a sigh of relief that she could enjoy herself with us. (she was in my life from 2-7 yo).
Hope for happy days ahead for your family. .

I haven't come on here for negative attitudes

What you actually mean is you just want people who 100% agree with you to comment? Calling someone the 'birth mum' is deeply offensive but sadly accepted by many step mums, it would seem, as a means by which to assert some kind of superiority.

As for, 'honest and accurate', different people have very different views of the same situation. Indeed, there as many views as there are people. If you are unable to accept that you might not be right whilst not necessarily being wrong, you will spend many years struggling with the ex.

No idea why birth mum is offensive
I gave birth to 2 of my children so I'm their birth mum. I have an adopted child so I'm his adopted mum (I am all 3 children's mother no matter how it's said and so why would I find this offensive)

And BTW...

I have a step child so I'm her step mum!

@87patshad - well said!

@87patshad, thank you for your comment.

Janeiamymiddlename, i haven't asked for anyone to agree with me, I have simply asked for some advice. I am sorry you feel the acronym bm is offensive. If you actually read my first post I called her mother. I have used the term bm once in response to a question.

Hi OP me and my DH had a similar situation with his DC when we first got together. Mum and family would constantly slag off and criticise us in front of the DC. DH had talk with her and asked her not to do it, explaining that it wasn't for our benefit only to protect DC in longer term. She said she can't stop others from having opinions and saying things to which DH replied you can't..... but you tell them not in front of DC, if they don't stop you remove DC from situation. DH explained that hoping to cause a rift would only cause her problems in the future. My DH always been very fair with his DC, he's said he will never criticise their mum but one day when they are young adults he does not mind explaining why he and their mum are not together.
Unfortunately it hasn't totally stopped some 4 years later, but it's not as bad. And hey guess who was right..... SC have been very prone to a kick off, repeating things they have heard. Who is it backfiring on now ?? when SC mum wants me to look after them now she has a new DP, (DH works shifts and nights) erm... no is my answer sometimes. !!