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Original poster

Need advice - Bonding Issues

7 replies

Raindrops000 · 23/08/2017 21:45

Been with my partner for over 3 years now. He has two boys and lately i just feel like i haven't bonded with them.

They stay with us every other weekend and when they stay they have horrific temper tantrums that my partner does nothing to stop. If they fight he will give them sweets or rewards to 'keep the peace' and this annoys me so much as its not good for them to think they can act like this!

Basically, i feel left out in the decition making on how to raise the kids which leaves me feeling pointless and makes me resent the kids for being spoilt (i know that makes me sound horrible) just to make myself clear i always try to be involved but feel i get pushed out and not listened to because i dont have a child of my own... how do i make this better?

OP posts:
mctat · 23/08/2017 22:02

You don't sound horrible, OP. How old are they? As you say 'recently', assuming you felt you'd bonded with them previously?

They're allowed to express their feelings, but dealing with it with rewards is not good at all, I agree.

ChevalierTialys · 23/08/2017 22:29

Try not to resent the children, they aren't in as much control of their feelings as adults are. How old are they?

Have you talked to DP about this?

Wdigin2this · 23/08/2017 23:09

This is the usual situation of a him feeling guilty because, he's not with his DC 24/7. So, what does he do when they visit....overindulge them to the point that a) they think; wow this is great, we can do/have/say anything we like....naturally! And b) he's now afraid to say no or refuse them anything for fear of upsetting them so much, they won't come again! Recipe for all kinds of misery.....but, he has to see it for himself, and learn to parent properly!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 24/08/2017 00:33

It's really tricky, but so common, sadly.

It won't get better without some kind of change. You are having to painfully watch from the sidelines in your own home. No other parenting situation is like that and it's really hard being a SM.

Things have to change. It will only get worse. You have a few options and all are worth trying -

  • talk, explain, clearly to your DP. He'll be defensive. Try to phrase it well, find what will motivate your DP - does he want you to be more included? Motivate him. Suggest a family outing, but only if you are united on some ground rules.
  • realise any change will take time - but it must move in a more positive direction
  • don't disengage. It'll only make things worse. Do get them to go out without you but just with DP though - preferably somewhere where it will be more obvious to your DP that society won't take temper tantrums constantly. And to ensure that they have their own time.
  • Structure your weekends - slowly take more charge, ensure a good routine.
  • Go to counselling together.
  • Have a time limit for things to improve.

Good luck!

DasPepe · 24/08/2017 01:00

I know I don't know full details and I may not sound very popular - so I hope i can express this well.

How is your relationship with the boys mother? On what terms are the parents?

The problem is twofold in that no one can parent part time and do so effectively. The "part time parent" has to accept that they are the slightly smaller wheel in a greater machinery: routine and similarity at both places help to transition children across developmental stages. It's not that they can't do different things at different places but they need similar boundaries otherwise they feel in freefall at the dads place and hence the bad habits they have now developed. To this purpose, the part time parent has to line up, at least initially and in general terms, with the parenting style of the main parent.

The second issue is of course that you are not the parent. However I think you rightly should get and be involved. Perhaps reaching out to the mum may be of use. I'm not saying behind your partners back but clearly you need to work as a team and that means all 3 of you. If the mum's parenting is different perhaps she also feels the effects of indulgence by your partner. Perhaps she has already raised this with him and that's why he gets so frustrated with you?

I don't know if this is an option, but I think the 3 of you should sit down and have a chat about this. It may be an extreme action but sounds like one is needed.

Perhaps you can try and explain that you want to be involved, you take responsibility for their safety whilst they are with you, you want everyone to enjoy this time and to prevent tantrums which may be upsetting for the children and limit their quality time with their dad.

Hope that made sense.

Good luck!

swingofthings · 24/08/2017 07:42

You say 'lately' was it ok before? Why now? How long did you move in together?

You don't like the way he is disciplining his children, you believe that you know better and therefore that he should adopt you're principles or at least allow you to discipline them as you see fit.

This is always find to be a red herring and the reason why believe that in such situation if you don't share at least the same overall view on discipline you can expect the relationship to be chaotic and stressful.

Original poster
Raindrops000 · 27/08/2017 21:38

Thanks for all the replies it has been so encouraging to read!

Its not that i dont like the way he disaplines its that he doesnt. On the whole the boys (who are 3 and 8) can be so well behaved and are perfectly polite. Its just the tantrums the 8 year old has over being told no only happy around us because he knows his dad will give in just to 'keep the peace'. All this is doing is making him think he can have anything no matter how he is behaved.

I have tried talking to him about it but he just doesnt listen.

OP posts:
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