Step son

[Stepmum21]

My stepson is rude and racist. He constantly refers to people of another colour as the taliban and everything that goes wrong is "gay". His dad doesn't do anything when he makes these comments and I am left seething with rage afterwards. He shouts "allah Akbar" all the time, constantly makes ridiculous noise and is allowed to play 18+ games. He also watches a number of shows completely inappropriate for his age such as game of thrones and rock and morty. I have tried to discuss this with my partner in a polite and calm way where I don't over step my boundaries but he gets defensive and doesn't listen. The child never says please or thank you and if you ask him anything he just says "what?" He gets very frustrated when he loses games and strops when he is told off. He bangs and clashes around my flat, insults me and calls my cat "skinny flea bag." I've told his father that I don't find this behaviour appropriate and I don't want him to do it any longer and he says nothing. The child also swears and curses all the time. He doesn't talk properly either and is really unclean. He won't take a shower when he stays and refuses to reuse cups for drinks making a hell of a lot of work.
He also throws things around when he's bored of them, pushes me out of the way when he wants to get past and is always getting involved with conversations that me and his dad have in a destructive way. He will gang up on me and his dad whenever there is a slight dispute.
He also constantly says that he doesn't like his mum. He has told me he has to sleep on the floor on a mattress at home and only gets fed chips and pizza. He tells me he gets his siblings ready for school every morning and his mum doesn't walk them to school (they are all under 11, him being the eldest)
I can't help resenting his visits as his dad lets him rule the house, eats all my diet food and moans about the fact he can't share a room with us. I've had the argument time and time again about him staying in my bedroom saying that it's unhealthy and not ok but it seems to fall on deaf ears.
He is allowed free reign on the computer and stays up all night on online games.
Help me, I'm tearing my hair out!!!

Hi OP, I have no step children so no experience. How old is step son? I've heard relations with step children can be a minefield. It's hard because you're not the parent but you have to help parenting. It sounds as though DP is at fault here for not parenting his son properly and ignoring your requests. If I had this problem I'd put my foot down as they're staying in my home. Does DP live at your flat?

Hi, my OH loves with me in a flat and we have a joint mortgage and all the bills are split 50/50. My stepson is 11 and he likes me, I just don't like his behaviour!

Have you tried taking control yourself or are you expecting your OH to sort it out? Clearly your partner either doesn't share your view that his son's behaviour is out of order (I'm completely with you BTW) or he is incapable of disciplining and coaching his son. I wouldn't tolerate this myself but then I've always believed that in my house my rules go and I have no hesitation in enforcing them if others won't.

You might also want to think about your long term plans. Are you hoping to have kids with your OH one day? He's demonstrating what sort of parent he is so you might want to think about that.

Ah, I see. Joint everything- except parenting. Maybe you need to sit DP down and have a serious talk about the problems as he isn't taking them seriously. When does step son stay at the flat? If you don't enjoy being around him could you go out? Not ideal but spending the least amount of time possible around him might help break the tension for you. He might grow out of a lot of his behaviour, but he might not. If DP doesn't take it seriously, step son won't either so I fail to see how you can 'parent' him effectively yourself on behalf of DP.

Agree with HerOtherHalf on the parenting heads up- this is a window to the future.

How can you be with a man who thinks this is an acceptable way to parent?

11 - that's really young to be this rude and racist, not that it's good at any age. But it's no way to live at all.

It's horrible but you must take a stand - there are lines you don't cross, things you don't say. A house should be a civilizing place and it's sad but he's so young his parents should have really pulled him up - both of them. I coudln't live like this - eventually I'd have to leave - good luck OP have a serious word but if things don't change with your DSS or your DP - or his mother - then you'll be fighting a bigger and more rude boy in years to come.

Have you or his dad explored what he's said about his mum a bit more? If thats how he is treated at his mums it's not a surprise that at yours he behaves the way he does especially without any boundaries in place.
It must be very confusing for him to make sense of how to behave and what is expected of him.