Background info - been with DH about 13 years married 11. Have 1 DS 18 and DSD 17 and DSS 13.
DH had split with ex when she was pregnant with DSS and we got together when he was about 9mths. Pretty much always been in his life and DSD's since about 4.
All kids have always got on really well we had EW access and it was always really flexible with DH and his ex. Always taken all kids on holidays together older 2 went to same school be it DS year above. My DS have never had days out or holidays or anything unless the other 2 have been included and I have always tried to provide a family environment with all of them. DH has never treated them all fairly and equally as in he would tell the lads off for something but never DSD, even when she had lied blatantly to his face he couldn't really bring himself to call her outright on it. Over the years she has always had to turn everything to it being all about her e.g we went away 1 year and it was DSS's birthday whilst away so he was sung to around the pool and had bday cake in restaurant etc when we got home his mom had decorated the front of her house for him. As soon as DSD saw it she ran into the house crying mom asked her what was wrong when dad left and we had a phone call off mom saying that she had had a horrible holiday and all we had done is shout at her etc. DH went straight round as he was gutted and she admitted that it was because she was upset that it was all about he brother. If playing cards or games and she doesn't win she will cry and throw pieces or cards etc really stupid low level stuff.
I would have said that we were all quite close though over the years she would come and sit and chat to me when I was getting ready and stuff, always did clothes shopping and stuff with me because her mom hates stuff like that, would always message me stuff she'd seen that she liked to get my opinion.
It has literally all turned sour in last few months. She got with new BF and at first he was welcome and would come EW, he would literally doss round our house all day, sit have meals with us all etc but would never help out, told us he though manners were for picky people(whilst sat eating the food that had been prepared for him). Told DSD (in front of us) that he wanted to go visit the rest of her family to see what money they could get off them (after I had already given her some and he meant my family as well). It was all getting a bit much.
In may DSD, her BF and his cousin were out and saw my DS. DS was with a girl that the cousin had being seeing but cheated on and dumped so they decided to try and throw a stone at DS's head. This resulted in me telling her that he is not welcome in our house.Since then she has refused to come. She called her dad once in this time (it was DSS's middle school prom and DH had got a nice car from work to take him in). She told DH that she had booked the day off work for a photo shoot in the car etc. She knew I wold be there as it was DH and I that were taking him to Prom and she told DH that her BF would be there. HE said that was fine but he would not be allowed in the car. She was fine with all this and she spoke to me for a bit aswell so I thought we were making some progress.
On the day we get there and they (DSD, BF, DSS, mom and DSS's friend and mom) were all on doorstep. We got out car and all apart from DSS completely blanked us. Mom DSD and the BF kept turning there backs to us and whispering. Now at this point we just ignored the others and were taking pictures etc then mom said go on then you two jump in and have a go in it. I replied saying sorry but he has been told he is not going out in it (probably not my finest moment but I was fuming at the lack of respect and decency from all of them and felt like they were so rude to DH and then ignored what he had said before). DSD ran in house crying, mom said he can still have photos can't he - i did say yes, then off we went.
Since then DSD has told DH that she can not believe how horrible I was to BF, she agreed to meet him this week(its her bday and she is broke as she is working but BF doesn't work so she has been paying all out to his flat and weed and has nothing left).
DH went to meet her and it basically all went sour, all she did was slag me off. DH said he told her that he can't believe that she has only contacted 3 times and blanks him when he messages her unless she actually wants something from him. She said that was my fault. She said I had really made her BF cry with how nasty I was letting him in the car (he is 19 FFS). He told her that it is him that hates BF and insisted he was banned from our house as he was an ungrateful dossing bum that was using her for her money and that she was the one that told us he had been cheating on her etc. She told him that her BF was going to batter DH if he saw him and him her mom and her SD were all wanting to come round to my house to batter me. He ended up leaving her where she was as she was crying and refused to let him give her a lift.
I feel so angry and bitter now about our whole life together. I wanted another child when we got together but because they were so little esp DSS I let him talk me out of it with a promise that we would wait til the kids were older and now he doesn't want to because it would mean starting again and DS is off to uni next month. I feel bitter that my DS has been shunned and I feel so stupid that I gave up the chance on giving him proper siblings with a misguided belief that it was ok because they were all close. I feel bitter at all the money (DH has been out of work twice and I carried on supporting him and covering CM) and still paid for hols and uniforms and anything else they wanted. In fact I feel bitter about just about everything to do with them ATM and I don't know how to stop. I hate myself for letting myself feel like this and can feel myself wanting to distance myself from DSS now before he does the same (which I know is stupid but DSD has told us several times that her mom always tries to poison them against us and messes with DSS's head).
I haven't slept properly since it all started and feel so hurt by it all, I am hurt for DH as that is his daughter and she is either blanking him or asking him for money etc. I am hurt for my DS as he is gutted because he always thought they were close (used to hangout together even when not at ours). I am angry at myself and keep going through things in my head to see if I should have just let things pass or should have stopped him coming sooner. I know I am over invested and I hate myself for this as well. How do I stop myself from feeling so angry hurt and bitter about all of this when I can also see my DH and DS are hurting and not feel like everything was a sham in the relationship?