Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Furious with SD

67 replies

Winosaurus · 19/08/2017 11:19

I'm so cross with my DP's kids today!
It's DP's birthday and all week I've been asking his eldest (13) if they had bought him a present or made him a card or anything and even offered to take them if they needed help paying or picking up something.
13 year old regularly goes in to town with her friends and on Tuesday was given £20 by DP as pocket money and she hasn't so much as got him a card! I'm so angry with her right now!!!!!
They kicked up a stink about how they needed to stay with DP so they could be with him on the morning of his birthday (I suspect that's because they know I'm taking him out later) but neither has even said happy birthday to him this morning.
I FaceTimed him first thing to say happy birthday and he was devastated.
The kids are acting so selfishly at the moment, it's all about what they can get from him financially and it's awful. He is a wonderful dad, he splits custody with his ex as fairly as he is able and does everything he possibly can for them but they continuously treat him like dirt.
I'm so sad for him, I'm not sure how I can make this better

OP posts:

Janeismymiddlename · 20/08/2017 09:30

I make sure my children have presents for their dad on birthday, Father's Day and Xmas. It's just polite. I don't expect the 13 year old to do it himself, he'd never remember or manage to buy anything decent!

I do, however, think there is something in making a fuss of the day and making sure the children are involved in that eg. 'We are going out for a nice lunch for dad's birthday, make sure you bring something lovely to wear' and actually make her a part of it. At the moment, the good stuff happens with the OP and dad when she is out the way. She's not included in her dad's birthday celebrations but dad is sitting around waiting for her to include herself in a way. And being s martyr when it doesn't go his way.

The problem for children in separated families is that despite adult best efforts, they don't always know how they stand. Dad makes new celebrations traditions with someone else and they need to be actively included. The expectation here sounds like the kids were supposed to know what to do and when without the guidance.

3had0w · 20/08/2017 10:52

Op, hope you had a good night x

Original poster

Winosaurus · 20/08/2017 11:58

We had an amazing night.
Firstly he did do something nice with his kids they stayed over on Friday and he took them out for a nice meal - not his weekend to have them (ex and DP split custody but alternate weekends so both get "down time" with the kids)
They knew this and they knew that's why they were coming this weekend.
I took DP out to celebrate as mum wanted them back for the rest of the weekend as it is her turn to have them.
There was no argument, no fallings out. She just acted really selfishly as did their mum who could've organised a gift or a card for him.
They did the same of Father's Day - couldn't be arsed (mum put an "order" in with kids for expensive make-up for Mother's Day) none of them seem to care. He gives and gives and is so kind but they're walking all over him.
I think he's realised this about his ex. It's her birthday in 2 weeks and he said he will give eldest money to get a card / small gift but if she doesn't then that's on her - ex has already told youngest to ask dad for silk pyjamas! not going to happen!!!

Anyway we had a fantastic night, loads of wine, loads of sex and now I have one very happy birthday boy

OP posts:

3had0w · 20/08/2017 16:29

Haha good for you, glad you both enjoyed your night together

Yeah, I think you're right to leave SD to get something for her mum, as you said, she goes in town with friends and most local shops do bday cards too

As for all those saying that it doesn't matter as an adult, I still disagree
It's not about being lavished with expensive gifts it's about the thought and the effort to even just say happy birthday and even as another poster said make him breakfast or a cup of tea in the morning with a birthday hug from his daughter.

Adult or child, everyone likes to feel loved, appreciated etc on special occasions

3had0w · 20/08/2017 16:30

Op did you find out why SD rang her mum and decided to go home early?

Original poster

Winosaurus · 20/08/2017 16:48

3had0w because she had a hissy fit because DP told her he was disappointed in her

OP posts:

Imbroglio · 20/08/2017 16:57

Hmm. Not the best response. 'Disappointed' maybe. 'Disappointed in her' not so good.

I think that he needs the explore this a bit further and give her the benefit of the doubt.

Dollyparton3 · 21/08/2017 13:35

It's a very simple conundrum to solve, at 13 years old DSD had plenty of opportunity and the offer of help to get something but chose to prioritise other things. We didnt get so much as a card last christmas.

But when the standard wish lists for xmas gifts are sent to us this year in November, we'll use that opportunity to remind her that we didn't get even so much as a festive smile from her last year. Whether or not we then choose to be generous is up to us.

Original poster

Winosaurus · 21/08/2017 13:54

Imbroglio stop being pendantic. There's nothing wrong with telling your kids you're disappointed in them when they behave badly. I say it to mine if they play up or act selfishly, DP clearly meant disappointed in her behaviour and she knows that.
At least she had the good grace to be embarrassed and apologise to DP yesterday for how she's acted.
Dollyparton this came up in jest afterwards, she's talking about Christmas already and DP said he wonders if he'll forget?

OP posts:

Dollyparton3 · 21/08/2017 15:20

I think that's perfectly OK, if a grown adult treated you in the same way you'd have every right to be a tightwad in return. No reason why we should bend over backwards to splash the cash and it might be a good way of resonating the point

Wdigin2this · 21/08/2017 16:22

Wineosaurus I totally agree with you, at 13 she should at least have bought her DF a card! I know teenagers can be self interested and thoughtless, but your OH is obviously a good generous father, who is unappreciated....how would these kids feel, if their DF didn't get them a card and (probably expensive) gift for their birthdays?!

Wdigin2this · 21/08/2017 16:38

Imbroglio the OP has made it clear that birthday's are celebrated in her world. The fact that this 13 year old couldn't even be bothered getting a card for her DF is not acceptable, and therefore he has every right to be 'disappointed' in her attitude!
It's no wonder this generation of kids is growing up to be entitled and self absorbed, if there are never any consequences for anything!!!

0ccamsRazor · 21/08/2017 16:50

The bar for teen dc behaviour imho should not be set so low, they are more than capable of behaving like caring human beings.

Imbroglio · 21/08/2017 19:12

I'm not being at all pedantic. There is a thread of negativity towards your step children which could well be at the root of the problem.

In the OP you said his children wanted to be with their father for his birthday, but from your account it all went pear shaped. Neither child wished him happy birthday and the eldest went home. Hardly a happy outcome for anyone.

You've made several digs at your step daughter, eg suggesting she only wanted to see him because you were doing something with him, saying they 'kicked up a fuss' to be included but later saying they 'were invited' for dinner. Why did they have to 'kick up a fuss' if they had been invited for a meal anyway?

Then separately you've said this is probably about their mother, so you know there are issues.

She's 13. She's still young, and by your own account things are unsettled. You and your partner are the adults here so act like it and make it OK with her. You won't achieve that by threatening to punish her by reminding her of this when it comes to her birthday and Christmas. I cam't believe you would even consider that.

Wdigin2this · 21/08/2017 19:39

I think teens can be bloody hard work, and if they're allowed to get away with just about anything....they will! What's that teaching them about the big wide world they'll be entering?

Coldkebab · 21/08/2017 21:46

I wouldnt let my dd get away with this to her dad my ex not a chance and shes only 8 but doesnt like her dad. I wont force a relationship but i will make sure shes respectful and will always encourage

Bibidy · 21/08/2017 22:16

It is not hard to get a birthday card, I'm sure they manage to get their friends birthday cards if they've got a party to go to.

And tbh at 13, you're old enough to know whether your mum is likely to buy something for you to give your dad for his birthday or not, and to realise that if she isn't then you should pick up a card at the very least. Particularly when you've been prompted and reminded by someone else!

It's even less hard to wish someone a happy birthday. Let's face it, OP's OH probably didn't even care about getting a present or card from the kids, but how hurtful that they stayed over on purpose knowing they'd be waking up with him on his birthday and yet chose not to mention it at all.

Flip

1 2 3