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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Furious with SD

67 replies

Winosaurus · 19/08/2017 11:19

I'm so cross with my DP's kids today!
It's DP's birthday and all week I've been asking his eldest (13) if they had bought him a present or made him a card or anything and even offered to take them if they needed help paying or picking up something.
13 year old regularly goes in to town with her friends and on Tuesday was given £20 by DP as pocket money and she hasn't so much as got him a card! I'm so angry with her right now!!!!!
They kicked up a stink about how they needed to stay with DP so they could be with him on the morning of his birthday (I suspect that's because they know I'm taking him out later) but neither has even said happy birthday to him this morning.
I FaceTimed him first thing to say happy birthday and he was devastated.
The kids are acting so selfishly at the moment, it's all about what they can get from him financially and it's awful. He is a wonderful dad, he splits custody with his ex as fairly as he is able and does everything he possibly can for them but they continuously treat him like dirt.
I'm so sad for him, I'm not sure how I can make this better

OP posts:

Identity1 · 19/08/2017 17:24

Wowsers !!! Cannot remember last time I did that it's an achievement if I get to my knees these days ha ha !!!! Enjoy yoir evening.....im sure your DH will x

3had0w · 19/08/2017 17:30

Lol identify

LazySusan11 · 19/08/2017 18:27

I can understand my dsd did the same thing..she kicked up an almighty fuss about not being with dh on his big birthday, I got her a card just incase she hadn't got one herself. She never acknowledged the card and I found it in the bin. She didn't contact dh at all until her mum reminded her then she told lies about she lost the card and present.

Dh was hurt and I was cross but she's his dd and it's up to him to address it if he feels he should.

Take a big step back it's not worth the agro, there is nothing you can do or say that will make it right so you can only support your dp and how he deals with it.

It's horrible to see such selfishness given the amount done for them but I've been told on many occasions this is 'normal' teenage behaviour.

If I were petty I'd conveniently forget her birthday! What's done is done don't get caught up in it and honestly I know at times that can be hard. for you. I hope your dp has a lovely time with you tonight.

HipsterAssassin · 19/08/2017 19:36

Totally with you, OP. I think as a biological parent you would/should feel exactly the same. And want to intervene.

IMO (disclaimer, I am not a step parent) I would address this as an aunt or mentor and ask her to reflect on how she would feel if her DF forgot her birthday.

My 14yo is self absorbed, out of the house loads and wrapped up in her friends. But, she would still take the initiative and get something for her non resident dad.

Totally within your rights to say something at some point.

SofiaAmes · 19/08/2017 19:40

It's normal shitty teenage behavior. Just ignore and put your energies into taking your dp out for a nice meal and when the kids grow frontal lobes in another 10 years they will feel bad about it all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2017 20:07

If some of you think children are inherently selfish that's on you. My DSC are anything but and make a big effort to choose gifts and make cards for DH and me for all special occasions. Of course we love each other throughout the year but birthdays and Father's Day etc are good excuses to demonstrate thoughtfulness and consideration for the people you care for and there's nothing self indulgent or childish about doing so.

It doesn't have to cost money it's about thought and effort. I own some incredible tat these days but I treasure the gifts they've chosen for me over the years. The cards they've made are even more meaningful and they cost nothing. That's the effort they make for me, their lowly stepmother, and we make a big effort for their dad.

I'm with you OP. You've done your best to facilitate them celebrating their dad and it's been thrown back in your face. I'm sorry he's sad about it. No advice on how to handle it but I'd stop getting anything for their mum. It cuts both ways and if she doesn't care then he needn't bother either.

MycatsaPirate · 19/08/2017 20:20

I am with you Op.

That's fucking appalling behaviour, not even to say Happy Birthday to their dad or offer to make him a cup of tea/coffee?

I also disagree that all kids are selfish. My DD's have never ever missed my birthday, even when they were too young to buy me something they would make me a card and it was treasured as much as any present I've had. And they also make sure they remember DP's birthday.

DP's DD2 hasn't bothered with Father's Day or his birthday for 2 years now. He hurts badly. It's his child and she doesn't care. His oldest won't send cards either, she refuses to pay for a stamp ffs. My oldest is at uni and will send a card in the post even if she is too broke to buy a present.

To me, it's about making that bit of effort to acknowledge that someone you love is having 'their day' and you put yourself out a tiny bit to make it special even if you are broke. You can still offer to make breakfast or insist on doing the washing up for once.

You can't fix this op but I do feel sorry for your DP.

sofato5miles · 19/08/2017 20:24

Sleepfreezone, you sound like a smug peach.

OP, we are a birthday family. Everyone is made a fuss off and I think ypu tried your best. Hopefully this is just a teenage thing and she will improve her attitude to her dad.

Agnus86 · 19/08/2017 21:33

I agree with op. My step kids are reall6 goofld now and normally ask me what to get there dad. Between us even arranged to surprise dp with me picking them up (hard to do in secret without telling a fib as it 2 hour journey) they never get me anything but always message me on facebook happy birthday so im happy. I do feel acknowledging someones birthday and cards ate very important i keep all mine from my family

highinthesky · 19/08/2017 21:38

DP should get over himself and so sould you, OP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2017 22:09

Do you always make such helpful contributions highinthesky? What a twatty thing to say.

If you can't add anything constructive maybe just piss off.

3had0w · 19/08/2017 22:28

Well said Anne

highinthesky · 20/08/2017 03:43

It's a birthday, it's really no big deal for an adult!

Rudeness for the sake of it @Anne - are you entitled too?

Imbroglio · 20/08/2017 04:40

Just to look at it from a different perspective, what did her dad do to make sure his daughter knew he wanted to see her on his birthday? Maybe next year he could tell her he wants to celebrate his birthday with her and asks if she would come with him to, say, a coffee or lunch at some place he wants to try (ie somewhere special for them) or to do something else he enjoys which she would enjoy too.

swingofthings · 20/08/2017 06:39

I'm with you. Totally unacceptable. Yes teenagers are self-centered and selfish, so it happening is not a total surprised, but they should definitely be picked up on it and reminded what it feels like when you're ignored on your special day.

Saying that, your OP makes me wonder whether there might be more to it as clearly she was keen at some point, so for her to ask her mum to come and pick her up is odd. Maybe they had an argument or something and she's acting hurt, hence wanting to hurt her dad back?

Cailleach666 · 20/08/2017 06:48

Back off.
None of your business, You ar being a drama queen.
We are not big on birthdays in our family.
We celebrate kids birthdays but OH and I otherwise can't be arsed.

NO BIG DEAL.

MissBabbs · 20/08/2017 06:57

I would say she is deliberately NOT getting him a present.

Is it to do with the Disney Dad thing that divorced fathers do to win their DCs over, thereby losing their respect?
Is he going to say something to her about how disappointed he is and that he thought they had a loving relationship and he cares very much for her and he thought she did for him so would have got him a card?

Or is he going to sulk and be miserable around you as he can't say anything to her as it might make her not want to visit? ( I think that's the usual scenario).
He is the one who can fix this, you definitely can't imv as it's his relationship with his daughter which is the issue.

MrsPringles · 20/08/2017 06:57

My step kids ALWAYS forget my DH's birthday. The oldest are 15 & 16 so no excuse really, he also gets upset by it, pretends he doesn't care but he does. They don't even text him let alone a card.

It really really pisses me off, especially as they start telling us what they want for their birthday months in advance.

LazySusan11 · 20/08/2017 08:11

Actually for some people birthdays are a big deal, just because you don't think so high doesn't mean the op or anyone else should 'get over it' so rude.

Cailleach666 · 20/08/2017 08:18

Just because someone thinks their birthday is a big deal doesn't make it so for others.

I have a family member in her 40s. Her birthday is top priority. She celebrates over two weeks- spa days with friends, a party, afternoon tea, family BBQ, trips out etc. It's so tiresome.
She never sends anyone else a card on their birthday however.

Imbroglio · 20/08/2017 08:23

I'm thinking your step daughter needs reassurance from her dad, not nagging about cards. She knows YOU are taking him out. She can't compete with that. So she's upset. She isn't dealing with it very well but she's young and this is her way of showing it.

I think you need to stay out of it but maybe suggest to dad that he tells her he missed her and sorts out some time just for them ASAP.

Imbroglio · 20/08/2017 08:27

I might add that my kids live with me and I have always made a point of doing something nice for my birthday which includes them, even if it's just having our favourite dinner or a takeaway. It doesn't have to be on the actual day if other things get in the way.

mummytime · 20/08/2017 08:29

Just wanted to add that 2 out of 3 of my children really struggled with birthdays and other gift giving days at 13,14,15.
Whilst it was upsetting, it really was an issue for them. Psychologically they were so desperate to get it right and so desperate to get something we would love, and feeling so sure they would fail and be humiliated - that they would rather do nothing.
Ways around this included : ordering on line, choosing cards chosen from a range prebought, wish lists help, as can getting friends involved.

But generally I just wanted to say that it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/08/2017 08:41

13 is a tricky age. Maybe she would have liked dp to have a plan as she cant very well plan a day out. So dp could have said ..l want ye all here on sunday for my birthday and we will all go out to lunch.
If your dc are younger do not be too sure they will be the same at 13. Some are but some turn into strangers for a while..
Its important your dp acts the adult here and doesnt do a moody on them. Thats unfair to dc.
She also may feel she is being disloyal to her dm by fussing over her df depending on the dynamic going on there.

newdaylight · 20/08/2017 08:46

I didn't know when my parents birthday was at 13. I think you're expecting a lot.

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