Why won't she get a job??

[Callmeabiscuit]

DH and I have been together 6 years, married four. He's been divorced for 8 years, two DSD in their teens. His ex-wife has not worked for the past three years in her original (well-paying, steady) profession because she wants to pursue another (non-paying, non-steady) profession. That's her choice, and we believe strongly in not voicing a negative opinion to her or the DSD about her life choices, so we haven't. However, this has resulted in DH and I having to bail her out to the tune of around £30,000 over the past 3 years in addition to CM to keep a roof over DSD heads (in rent arrears), food on the table (overdraft issues so no money for messages), etc. It's been tough on us financially, but obviously we love DSD and want them to have a stable home, and they want to stay in their current schools and town.

She's now told us that she has run up new debt to the tune of £8000 and wants us to know how tough it is for her and the children. DH is worried about DSD, but we know we can't keep bailing her out. I am flabbergasted. Why won't she just go back to work in her original profession at least part time? Am I missing something?

Can the DSD come and live with you?

She wont do anything as long as people keep bailing her out.

Stop giving her money? Why are you giving her money in the first place? You have a roof of your own to put over dsds head. Obviously continue paying the maintenance her and dsd are entitled to and deserve but other than that stop It! She is not your responsibility.

We've explored that option (including in court), but we live > 50 miles away and the DSD want to finish at their schools. They're doing well academically, and the court takes their opinions into account given their ages. We looked at moving closer as well, but our jobs aren't flexible.

Then there's nothing you can do other than pay maintenance still. She isn't your responsibility. She will take you for all you've got if you let her.

Offer to have the ss live with you but don't give her money. I would not have subsidised her lifestyle choice especially to the tune if £30k personally!

She is taking the piss on purpose.
He needs to pay for his children and stop giving her all this money.

You've got to stop bailing her out. While you of course want the best for your DSDs it's not good for them to learn that it's fine to get into debt and take no responsibility for their finances in the future. Perhaps say that if the DSDs need anything extra going forward you will buy it for them yourselves but you are not giving her any more than CM. Could you take the girls in if needed?

Obviously we will keep paying CM, but DH and I are worried about the effect on the DSD of the situations she gets herself into. Driving DSD to school in an uninsured, non MOT vehicle, having bailiff's come to the house. DH wants to protect DSD from that, but it's putting a strain on our finances. Why won't she just go back to work?

Ariel that's an excellent point. I hadn't thought of that. We've talked about her not taking responsibility for her actions, but you're right. It's a bad lesson for DSD.

She will not take responsibility while you are supporting her. It is hard but what will happen when the DSDs get older - when will your responsibility end. I understand that you don't want to criticise her choices but I think you can explain to your DSDs that you simply cannot afford such substantial additional amounts.

SHE is the one choosing to put her DD's in that situation though.
She was smart enough to earn decent money in a good profession yet not smart enough to get a fucking job and sort her shit out?!

Stop bailing her out. If the worse comes to the worst the DCs will have a home with you, Lazy mare.

Hi OP - very similar situation to mine.
Dps exw got a house (no mortgage), a car (no repayments), a large cash payment & huge weekly maintenance in their divorce. The maintenance was awarded as child maintenance & the judge specifically told her to get a job to maintain herself. Three years later still no job. All she does is spend, spend, spend. She berates Dp (in front of the kids) about money constantly, even though aside from the maintenance he pays for all hobbies, health insurance, dental & holidays (she's never brought them away on holidays - says she can't afford to!). Every time Dp queried her lack of job she replied saying "I have one rearing your children!" Kids are all in secondary school.

She kept threatening Dp with going back to court for more money so a few weeks ago he lodged a formal complaint for misuse of maintenance with his solicitor & sent a copy to her solicitor. Not a word from her since.
You really have to cut this off at the pass or your Dps ex will bleed everyone dry.
As others have said the 'worst' case is that the kids will have a home with you which is no bad thing. If she bankrupts herself that's her problem.

*Why won't she get a job?
*
It seems the answer to that is pretty obvious!

She doesn't want to, and thanks to your DH, so far hasn't needed to.

Thank you all for the advice. I can't imagine this will go smoothly, but we can't subsidise her life forever. Wish us luck.

my ex does this with his second EX!!! Bearing in mind hse has 3 men who pay her monies, one poor sod got stung for on going monies despite their being no children!!!!

Stop bailing her out - if the DDs are suffering then tell your DP to grow a pair , go to court and parent them completely - not just with money.

I get it is hard for him but she needs to grow up, he is not the bank of EXhusband and having everything removed by bailiffs would be a good thing.

Stop bailing her out! (Pay the maintenance obviously) .

Ps also following with interest - my ex is currently driving an uninsured /untaxed /no MOT car and I hate that my children are being driven around in it. Not sure what if anything I can do though?

£30,000?!!!!

I'd have stopped after the first couple of grand!
Did you agree to finance her new business venture?
Cos it sounds like she's been using your money to subsidise her life choices
I guess you won't be seeing that money again?

If she isn't concerned about her dc then they are better off without her - even if it means they have to change schools.
I can't believe neither of you have said anything about it to her.

NeverTwerkNaked Our solicitor said the only real options we had were to report it to the authorities or pay for the MOT/insurance/tax. The result of reporting would have been fines and possibly court, which would make the situation worse. We opted to pay for it.

Heebie We've offered to help her get back into her original career several times, but she has "politely" and vocally declined. We did not agree to finance her choices, but it seems like we have ended up doing so. More fool us. DH and I have talked about it a lot between ourselves but are careful not to say anything to or in front of DC or to her that could be construed as criticism.

We've told her we can't keep bailing her out. This will have to be the time we prove it. Bracing for the fall out...

So she's not getting any income at all besides what she'll get in benefits, which if she isn't claiming JSA or pretending to be self-employed will be limited.

Surely that is her choice and I can't believe she could think it acceptable to expect your OH/you to subsidise her. Unbelievable really!

She needs to realise that many people on this planet don't do what they want workwise because they can't afford it, end of, and that includes the vast majority of single parents. If I were to speak with my colleagues, not one would work the hours they do, if at all, if it wasn't purely for the fact that they need it to support themselves/family.

She needs to come down from her cloud and you need to start saying no more.

Glad to read you are both saying no more to her. Good luck.

I can totally sympathise with that decision @Callmeabiscuit