Right or wrong?

[understandinglife]

My DH and I have been together for 9 years and have never been on holiday together because DH ex girlfriend would not allow us to take SS with us until he was at secondary school and could decide for himself if he wanted to be away from his mum for 2 weeks. DH decided it would be unfair to go without him.
My SS is now 12 and has decided he is scared of flying (although the has never been on an aeroplane because his mum could never afford to take him and he wasn't allowed with us)

Me and DH have decided enough is enough and that we are going to plan to go on holiday next summer, we would love SS to come but if he doesn't want to we still plan on going.

Do you think we are right or wrong to do this?

Also we spoke about other holiday options abroad that do not involve going on an aeroplane and SS still didn't show much interest.

Yes, I think you've been very considerate and thoughtful but I agree. Enough is enough. If invited and he declines then it's his loss.

You haven't been on holiday for NINE YEARS because ss mum wouldn't 'let' you and your DH thought it unfair to go without him?????????? Screw that for a game of soldiers.
Of course you should go. It's ludicrous that its taken this long anyway. If your DH has Parental responsibility he is more than entitled to take his son away should he chose, just as the mum is.
Even if that's not the case, it is absolutely baffling to me that this would mean you two can't go away.
What purpose does that serve? How odd.

Anyway, in answer to your question no of course you should go away for a long overdue break and you should both enjoy it.

The whole reason you haven't been on holiday is ridiculous but no, definitely go next year.

How about planning a holiday for yourself and one more local and shorter with him? Or you go together and his dad takes him somewhere that would make him happy?

Sounds like it will be hard to include him on am overseas holiday as you'd have to book flights and accommodation for him in advance that could end up being wasted if he decides he doesn't want to go at the last minute.

Why on earth did your DP think it would have been unfair for you to go away as a couple without him? Or do you have other children?

We have a 5 year old DS together.

His mum has been extremely awkward with us. When DSS was younger she would say he was too young to be in another country without his mum (even thou he would be with his dad) then when I had my DS she decided that DSS could not go on holiday with us until at secondary school and old enough to decide for himself. We all went on breaks away, but not a proper holiday.

Now that DSS is old enough to decide for himself he has decided against going and has no enthusiasm to go away anywhere for a holiday

Swing, DH will not take him away somewhere on his own. This would be really unfair to DS who has missed out on a lot because DSS couldn't go

I can't believe you haven't been away for that long just because you couldn't take him with you. Your husband not have applied to court for permission if his mother wouldn't grant it freely?

If he doesn't want to go on a plane you can easily go through the channel tunnel then drive to France, Spain, Italy, Germany, Austria, Croatia, Holland, Belgium etc. All of those are maximum of two days driving away, many just a few hours.

If you have a DS together I get where your DH is coming from (not to say he is right) but there were still 4 years of you being together before you had your son and you never went away because even then it was considered unfair? Madness.

I do still think it could be a good idea for your DH to take his DSS somewhere closer on his own for a few days or a week, and then you three go off on a longer overseas holiday separately for 7-10 days. I don't really see it as unfair to younger DS as he gets the benefit of living with his dad full time and also going on a holiday with him (and his mum, together). Plus he's not going to be scarred for life by having missed out on foreign holidays as an under 5, he won't even remember.

Can you book a driving holiday and go on a ferry or Eurostar for your trip?

You are not being unreasonable to want a holiday and of course he should go but this way you tackle the flying fear too?

I think it's madness that you haven't been away for 9 years because of this!

Definitely book a holiday for next year. DEFINITELY.

Invite SS by all means, if he says no, he says no.

That's what I had in mind too sweetbitter. I don't see how this is unfair as younger DS gets a better holiday anyway.

Absolutely right to book a holiday for next year. I would talk to DSS again telling him you are going.... does he want to come? If it's the fear of flying That's stopping him can you try and arrange something to help him with that?
Is there something deeper here ? His mum seems to have been on a mission to put him off going on holiday with his dad and you , why ? (Possibly as she cant afford it) Maybe she is saying things to him at home, is she making him feel guilty for wanting to go with you and so he just says no or shows no interest to please his mum ? If you think that might be the case then you could deal with that too. But I'd still tell him you're going and he's very welcome.

So exw is still pulling his strings. .