Advice needed

[SurgMum]

DH and I have been married for three years, together for almost six, two DSD age 14 and 12. His ex-wife took their split poorly - I won't go into details.

Subsequently, she consistently would not bring the girls to handover (a 1.5 hour drive each way) and not inform DH until he was already there, either does not allow DSD to talk to him or only allows them to speak with him on speakerphone in the sitting room "because I want them to be safe", tells the school he does not have access to the children (which is not true), etc. She is a GP who stopped work (for personal reasons, not health reasons) and is currently receiving benefits in addition to CM. We have given her several very large lump sums of money to prevent DSD from being evicted/have heating oil/pay off her tax bill and credit card/etc. in addition. DSD have told DH "mummy says the reason we don't have any money is because you don't love us". The list goes on.

She completely alienated both poor DSD from DH to the point that the youngest who was texting/calling multiple times a day sent DH an email saying "I love you very much and I don't want to be rude or you to be mad at me, but I think I shouldn't talk to you or (my name) ever again. It would be easier." The eldest was encourage at 11 to call and tell DH similar, which resulted in him not being allowed to see or speak to DSD by his ex wife for three years. In the past few months, oldest DSD is now texting DH again which is wonderful. His ex also does not care for me despite never having met me personally. DH texts both DSD every couple days, sends photos, emails, small gifts, etc. with little to no response. It's been incredibly heartbreaking for him.

The issues are myriad.

We had to move for job reasons, and DH has court ordered direct contact which is every other Christmas, half summer holidays, and either autumn or Easter half-term plus twice a week indirect contact, but his ex simply refuses when DH tries to arrange dates/travel. The end result is we have been unable to see either DSD for almost a year despite consistent efforts including legal recourse.

DH is hopeful that DSD contacting might lead to repair of their relationship for which he is desperate. My heart aches for them - the poor girls who have had such a rough time and my DH. I would appreciate any advice about how we should proceed given the history.

TLDR: DH is hoping and trying to reconnect with his two alienated teenage DD's, and I would love some advice from anyone who has gone through something like this.

My advice would be for your dh to go to court. Out of interest were you the ow? Why is there so much distance from where you live and your dad? Could his ex be depressed over the split and therefore has not returned to work. A GP job can be very stressful ontop of a messy break up so I'm worrying if there's more to the situation. I only ask to get a picture of the circumstances.

Thank you for that Underthemoonlight.

I wasn't the OW; it would make far more sense if I was tbh. We've been to court multiple times. She ignores the court order, we file a contempt motion, the judge tells her to follow the order, and the cycle repeats. Our QC, who is very good, told us that we 'can keep trying but the court system is reluctant to punish parents'.

I'm quite sure she is depressed over the split; she has a history of depression/suicidal ideation and was previously on medication. I feel for her. It must be a difficult situation. However, I don't think that excuses her keeping him from seeing DSDs for years.

She stopped work because she wanted to pursue a different career path, which I can understand. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out for her as of yet. We've offered to pay for her GMC fees, exams, etc. to get her back on her feet, but she has declined.

The distance is purely due to occupation. We've offered to help her buy a home closer to us in the past and have discussed moving closer to the DSD in a year when our job situation will change, but she has refused.

This is the first contact DH has been able to have with eldest DSD in three years, and we're ecstatic and nervous(scared silly, honestly) about doing the wrong thing and losing contact again. We're taking it slowly but could really use some advice.

Hi SurgMum. I have had similar situation with my DH and his DS now aged 7. Parental alienation is a real thing and I would guess that DHs ex has some psychological issues of her own from what you've said. I wonder what it maintains for her to keep this going as finance clearly not a factor? (was for us). Courts have to take seriously when child not allowed to have a relationship with a parent and the age of these children means that they would be able to verbalise their own wishes. Your legal advice should be emphasising this to the court and the police can be involved to enforce. Courts take a dim view of non contact when an order in place. Write everything down where the situation is failing due to her behaviour and take it back to court. Have CAFCASS been involved at all to assess the welfare of the children? The judge could advise or you could request - the situation as it stands is not helping their emotional wellbeing as they should have contact with both parents. You could also try having contact where there is a pick up from school (but may need to go back to court to get times in place). Schools should be made aware of when a child is subject to a court order and you can share it with them. Sometimes having a pick up from somewhere like that is neutral and can't be sabotaged as you take back to school the next day. I wish you luck. It's a horrible situation to have to go through and not about being punitive, just having a relationship with your child and their wellbeing. Ultimately, they will wonder why they've been unable to see their dad and as they get older and why their mum is preventing this. Be consistent and let them know you're there when they're ready. They can't be held captive forever.