Behaviour issues - not coping

[Littleraiofsunshine]

I have a 7 yr old sd and she lives with us full time. There's been a lot going on with her mum and my gosh, my sd is pushing boundaries like you wouldn't believe.

I have felt really depressed recently as my sd's behaviour has just been horrible. She's become really defiant, manipulative, mean and rude. She gets involved in conversations that aren't anything to do with her and that she doesn't understand. When I'm trying to speak about anything, she talks over me and when I'm talking directly to her she is so defensive, regardless of what I'm talking about. She's being very attention seeking and tbh I'm finding it hard to even be around her. I feel like THE worst person and I'm just not coping, bursting into tears so having to disappear in another room, also holding all these emotions in to not upset anyone.
In my head I'm repeating 'she's just 7 and trying to gain some control' but it doesn't stop my feelings being hurt deeply.

Her dad doesn't put enough effort in and I feel resentful that I'm not the parent but I'm the one doing everything. That resentment I think is passing on to her and I know it's completely unfair on her. Her mum hasn't had a job for ages so we've had no money from her. I buy my sd clothes, take her out all the time without her dad, do the majority of the house work, even though I work more hours than my OH and kind of feel like she should be grateful for what I'm doing, not taking everything out on me. She's always been a nightmare getting to sleep but lately it's ridiculous, screaming the house down and slamming doors.

I'm fully aware that I'm the adult and should not take things so personally but to be frank, I'm currently not capable.

I came on here looking for advice but I keep seeing other mumsnet members just being vile towards people asking for help....what's that about?!

If anyone has any constructive advice, I'd really appreciate it.

Her dad doesn't put enough effort in and I feel resentful that I'm not the parent but I'm the one doing everything.
Poor you. There lies again the same old problem, your OH, the resident parent, not being a parent and expect you to take on the responsibility. She is NOT your responsibility and he is being unfair to expect you to do the dirty work of bringing up this child whilst getting none of the rewards of being a parent.

I think you are right that your sd behaviour is probably a cry for help to be noticed by her dad. She too wants HIM to bring her up, but because she loves him adoringly, she can't be angry with him, so she is with you.

The only way forward is to get your OH realise that he needs to step up the mark. Raising children is hard work, much harder than any other job, but there is no escaping it just because we are tired. There is no resigning from this job.

Your OH should be the one putting her to sleep, reading to her, asking her about her day and helping with homework, washing, taking her shopping etc... He may be working FT and feel exhausted, but so are many single parents on this planet who still manage to do both successfully.

Sorry if my post is a bit virulent, but I really get cross with any parent who think it is ok to pass on their parenting role to their partner and then blame them when the child misbehave.

Hi OP - you poor thing, you sound at the end of your tether!
I'm totally with Swing on this one - this stuff drives me nuts too. Imagine if you walked out the door in the morning & didn't come back? What would your Dp do then? He'd HAVE to parent.
This poor kid has neither parent parenting her & you are doing a job that's not yours in the first place. Speak to your Dp now & be firm!
Good luck

I agree-this isn't a SD issue, it is an OH issue. He sounds awful, a terrible parent and terrible partner. I am a SM and if you and OH aren't onside and if he isn't taking the lead in parenting, this is going to be a near impossible task for you (and in fact, it isn't your task to own).
You need to tackle this now - his lack of parenting and his lack of effort in your marriage/partnership.
This sounds an awful situation, I feel for you and your SD. As the adult you can do something about it, your poor SD can't, hence her behaviour. Good luck

kind of feel like she should be grateful for what I'm doing

I totally identify with this, and my DSS doesn't have a lot of your DSD's issues. I think this is of the tough things about stepparenting, you have to sacrifice quite a bit that the child has no recognition/awareness/gratitude of and this builds resentment. Whereas with a child/parent relationship of course the parent sacrifices massively and the child isn't aware/grateful most of the time, but the parent is at least a) in charge and b) rewarded with that whole massive overwhelming parental love bit.

I've got to agree with previous posters, your OH is the issue here and he obviously should be doing more. WHY are you doing more housework and more DSD stuff when you work more hours??

Thank you so much for all your advice. I agree we need a big talk and he needs to step up his game.
My sd is going through a really hard time and she needs us to be a team. I was a tad emotional yesterday but feeling a lot better after a good sleep and reading your comments. I absolutely adore my sd but after weeks of struggles, it's got on top of me a bit.

Her daddy needs to strengthen their bond by doing all the things you said you do with her. She needs this. I read something the other day about not thinking of a 'challenging' or 'difficult' child but a distressed child. It can help you feel more empathy.

My sd is going through a really hard time and she needs us to be a team
You need to be a team but you also need to let him take control. It could be that he assumed you were fine with taking the lead and that's the reason why he stepped back.

Agree with pp that your dh needs to considerably up his game. However, just a thought, but if you are doing the lion's share of parenting your dsd might be taking her feelings out on you because you are the safe constant in her life. Yes you might be the one who does all the nice things and the bulk of the chores but she won't register that. She'll just know who is always there.