Violent Step Son (age 8)

[grumpymummy25]

I am at my wits end. I have three children, two sons aged 7 and 6 (6 yr old is Autistic) and a daughter, age 5.
I also have a step son and I am lost as to how to deal with him and what to do.
He is extremely violent and spiteful. If things don't go his way or one of my children stands up to him, he will typically 'headlock' them and savagely punch them, including my 5 year old daughter. He is a bully and is disrespectful to me, my children and his Dad who lets him get away with everything and says it's my children's fault for 'winding him up'.
He stays with us every other weekend and I'm at boiling point. I hate to admit it but I dread him coming and have strong feelings of dislike towards him.
How do I deal with this? Has anyone had this type of problem?

As often is the case on these threads, you don't have a DSS issue, you have a OH issue. This is his son, he must realise that this is not normal behaviour, so he needs to start parenting properly. If he refuses to see this, then I think you really need to rethink your relationship with him!

Your oh needs to start being a parent to him and discipline him. What happens to him when he behaves in that way?

I'm with the others, you have an OH problem.

I'd put a stop on visits - the other children need to be safe. I don't say this lightly - but his parents seriously need to consider getting professional help for the child. It won't just get better - he is dealing with some serious anger/rage issues.

Are you in touch with the mother? She probably deals with this sort of issue with him.

Maybe speak to him tell it is wrong and tell him to tell you if he gets upset so you can deal with it? And offer him a treat so he knows it's a good thing rather then taking matters in his own hands!

We had an incident during his last visit (Sunday) in where my daughter, 6 yr old son and said step son were playing on our trampoline. The two boys were playing catch with OH and my daughter wanted to join in, said step son started to moan that he didn't want her to play so I encouraged my son to share the ball with her. DS passed her the ball for a turn and step son didn't like this so head locked her and punched her savagely in the chest and arm. It wasn't even his ball, he had his own.
She was sobbing in pain and now has a bruise on he arm.
When it happened I ran and grabbed her from the trampoline and said to OH to sort him out to which he replied, "you sort your children out. We were playing".
I was so angry so went in doors and OH just carried on playing with SS like nothing had happened. All I heard him say, in a passive way was "don't do that".
If that was my child I would have been embarrassed, disgusted and so mad that my son had done that to a five year old girl. I would have removed him and sent him to his room then talked to him and told him he is never to do that ever again, that it is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
This is a standard incident and I'm sick of it.
I'm not a horrible step mum... I take SS out with my children, without OH. This holidays I have taken him to the cinema, eating out, theme park, family experience Park to list a few and I treat him the same as my children however he is so ungrateful. I never met a child quite like him and he embarrasses me. For instance, we recently visited a theme park and upon exiting my sister who came with us asked all the children if they'd enjoyed themselves. All mine said yes politely and gleefully however SS refused to answer so he asked him a further three time to which he replied "sort if". I could forgive if he was shy but he's not, the tone in which he talks to anyone (including OH) is disrespectful and down right rude.

My goodness! You really are totally blind to what's happening here aren't you?

You feel embarrassed about your SS?

I'd feel horribly embarrassed about my OH and his lack of compassion and care towards my children.

I would leave him immediately

Oh wow.. I mean can the reason be him not like females? I have a niece who does not like DS. Not aggresive, but she would not like him anything he does and she would be complaining/crying. Can OH not spend time with him? I know it's not fair but can your daughter not stay away from him whilst his there? For her safety. It's a weird situation. I know how you must feel when your OH is not supportive but bare in mind the violence would get more and more when he knows it is that easy to get away with it. Just sit down and talk to him on your own when the kids are in bed, put some sense in to his head!!! Maybe just tell your OH that you have to be somewhere this weekend theres a party and you would have another mate in the car so theres no space for him!

I'm with PP, your OH needs to start parenting. If one of my kids/stepkids behaved like that I'd step in and impose consequences. Just as DP would with our kids/his kids/DS1. It sounds like this wee boy knows fine he can do as he pleases because his dad lets him, however appalling the behaviour is.

Your oh didn't react to your 5 yr old being beaten up? How are you still there?

I agree with pp. Your DH is the problem.

I would stop forcing your DD on SS tbh. I have older boys and as much as they love their little sisters they used to resent them constantanly interuppting their play/being made to play with them. Not that him punching her is the right thing to do but maybe its best for her if you stop pushing it.
The reaction to the theme park is pretty typical. He wasnt rude he just answered honestly with sort of.

If DH is happy for his son to bully younger smaller children then you really need to think about your relationship.

You need to work together. You need to work with your children so they don't provoke him, he needs to work with his son to make it clear that his response is totally unacceptable. Either behaviour will be punished.

In the meantime, you both need to supervise them closely. Organise activities you are in control so that they learn to communicate with each other appropriately. Arrange things at home to minimise arguments. Intervene as soon as you feel an argument starting.

It's tough for kids that age to get use to each other, so they need clear structure and a clear message from both of you.