Unset / angry

[Jjthk88]

I have 1 DD age 6, her father and I separated when she was 2 years old. He had a girlfriend who was in DD's life since she was 3 and I have a partner who lives with me and DD. All worked very well and DD was very happy at home and with her father, up until her father and his girlfriend separated.
DD was very upset about this.
Last month my ex announced he had a new girlfriend and would be introducing her to DD that coming weekend, all very soon I thought but went along with it to keep the peace.
After the weekend when DD came home she was extremely upset and inconsolable for the first couple of hours after arriving home. She eventually told me that her fathers new girlfriend shouted at her. DD said that her father was nipping out to the shop and insisted that DD stayed at his house with the new girlfriend so they could get to know each other (earlier in the day DD mentioned to her father that she missed his previous girlfriend) once her father left the house the new girlfriend shouted at my daughter that last girlfriend was gone so DD needed to get over it and stop acting like a cow and to never mention the other women's name again to her or to DD's father.
So that night when DD was in bed I phoned my ex to speak to him about what had happened, to my surprise he said he already knew what happened and said that his new girlfriend was right to be upset and that DD should not have mentioned her name! It turned into a big argument and he told me that if DD cannot accept he has 'moved on' then it's best he doesn't see her for a while! I was disgusted.
However DD the next morning told me she doesn't want to see her father either if it meant she was going to be there as well.
It's been 3 weeks now and he hasn't so much as even contacted her, DD is very upset, she misses her father and keeps telling me she has lost him because he cares more about his new girlfriend and he doesn't care about her.
I don't know what to do. I don't think he deserves to have a place in my DD's life after the way he has treated her but also it's her father so feel I need to do something to help this situation but really at a loss on what I can do

Upset / angry

Not Unset, sorry

So sorry to hear you and your daughter are going through this OP, so awful

No useful advice, unfortunately. My exh's contact with our dc has always been intermittent, depending on his girlfriend at the time. We're now 5 years in and he sees them maybe once a month - 6 weeks, but we have gone for 6 - 9 months at a time without him communicating with them at all. All I can do is be there for them.

How very very sad that two adults should be acting like such kids! She is only 6yo, of course she is going to say what's on her mind.

Of course it's not nice of the new girlfriend to hear, but she's the adult. The fault is with your ex who should have waited longer to do introduction, let alone leave them alone.

He sounds like a stupid blinded by love puppy who thinks that because his new love is wonderful, everyone else should.

Still though you should do what you can to encourage contact not for his benefit but that of your DD. Can you contact him, say that the incident was unfortunate but that he has to remember that although he was moved on and think his new partner is wonderful, your daughter is still grieving and trying to adapt and that it would be helpful if he could see her on his own a few times to discuss how things have changed and then not leave her alone with her for a few more months until she has got used to her and also realised what a lovely person she is....

To be fair, it might not take him that long to realise that his wonderful new girlfriend is actually not so nice after all...

Oh your poor bairn, she must be devastated. Can you text him and see if he'll come and see your DD on his own (if that's what she wants). Not that I think he deserves anything, but you said your DD misses her dad, so I wondered if it would be worth a shot.
Also, would you be able to contact his ex? Maybe your DD would like to see her, even just to say goodbye properly?

He sounds like an absolute twat. If he doesn't realise that what he's done is really very wrong she might be better off without him. Maybe old girlfriend was keeping him being a good dad? Sorry I've no useful advice I'm just sorry for you, must be awful to see your DD upset like that

Oh god, how awful. What on earth is your ex thinking?

I'd posted yday about how hard I find the ex's involvement. I could go as far as saying I can't stand her BUT, my partners daughter speaks about her mum constantly (6 also) and I listen to her, talk about her mum really positively etc as she's just a child. I know it's slightly different, but my point is you can't be cross with a 6 year old for talking about a person you don't like

How wrong of your ex to cut contact over such a silly thing. Talk to him. I hope it works out

The new girlfriend sounds very immature and like she knows nothing about kids. But your ex should know better. He's behaving appallingly. What about mediation? Obviously it might take time for him to realise that it's important, but if he's had a good relationship with DD before, surely he's going to miss her, too? Then you need to stand your ground over the girlfriend being out of line and get him to mediation or family therapy so that he's made to look at his behaviour and see his responsibilities more clearly. But how awful for you and DD. I'd be livid with him.

His ex girlfriend is in touch with me via text. I have not spoken to her thou about the new girlfriend but she has asked me if she can come to my house to see DD which I have of course said yes, as my DD loves and misses her very much.
I text my ex 2 weeks ago saying "your daughter misses her dad, this is ridiculous that you have cut your daughter out of your life for a girlfriend" he replied "she has cut me out of her life too" I said "no she hasn't, she wants to see her dad but understandably upset over what happened, she is just a child" no reply!
I text again last week saying "would you come round and see your daughter and rebuild your relationship with her, she wants to see you and misses you" he replied "she can see me, I'll pick her up and take her to mine but (new girlfriend) will be there and DD needs to learn to accept this" I put "DD needs to spend some alone time with you and you need to then add (new girlfriend) in to her life in time and reassure DD that what happened before will not happen again" no reply

My heart breaks for that little girl. What an absolute idiot

On a separate note, you seem wonderful. It's so wonderful to see a mother so supportive of a SM (his ex gf, not the new one obvs)

Thank you TwoDots that's really lovely for you to say.
My DD loves her and she has never done any harm to me so I have no reason to dislike her in any way.
My ex was a great father when we separate, we split because we fell out of love with one another and tried to make it work but we were both miserable as a couple.
As far as I am aware there were no parenting issues involved as to why he and his ex girlfriend spilt, I got the impression this was to do with her wanting children of her own. My ex said he didn't want anymore children.

The way he has behaved recently, I think that this is the only decent decision he has made

I didn't realise you'd already tried to reason with him OP, I'm sorry. You sound like a fab mum, trying to work out contact with that prick and also with his ex gf. Your wee lassie at least has you in her corner, she can't go wrong with that

Men and their penises!

My dad did the same. Although my sister and I were adults he cheated, left my mum for a younger model and told us love me love my new girlfriend. We were NC for many years!

Sorry your poor DD is going through this. Fucking men!

I suspect that if your Dd is able to see the ex girlfriend then she may cope much better with not seeing her dad - I wonder how much of the parenting was actually done by her not him.

(I also suspect that if he found out that the ex girlfriend was playing happy families with your Dd then he may suddenly be far keener to see your Dd but I may just be a cynical sod.)