How can you treat your own dc and step dc equally?

[malificent7]

My dp has a dd and so do i.

Firstly they are different characters completely.... my dd is quite outgoing and full on. His dd is more introverted. They do get on but have the occasional row.

His dd seems to be fine with our relationship and has formed a bond with me. She is quite affectionate and accepting although she understandably wants 1:1 daddy time.
My dd was very jealous when i got with dp and acted up big time. We have been patient and now she calls him dad and loves him.

There is the difference in parenting. He is a wonderful, kind patient dad who has all the time in the world for both of them. However, he can be a bit soft. So when his dd was eating chocolate spread from a jar with her fingers he didnt say a word. ( neither did i but i was grossed out! )

I feel like a crap mum. I am quite shouty and i have found dds behaviour do hard to handle. I actually feel quite stressed by itn i dont discipline his dd as she is a lot easier but also has retreated unto her shell so dosnt act up.

I guess im just asking how do make sure that step siblings are treated equally if they are totally different.

All siblings are totally different, even biological ones.
Treat them as you would anyway.

Are you my DP doing a reverse?! I'd also like advice... meeting in the middle and being fair can be very difficult.

I find it incredibly hard... I have DSD(7) and DD(6) and primary carer for both. They're both lovely girls in their own way but similar to your girls in their differences. I find discipline and treating far easier with my DD. DSD is more of a struggle and this often leads to tension between DP and I which makes me miss my old life sometimes just DD and I and I worry DP feels the same.

Its very tough.

I guess i feel sad as sd parents have a higher combined incime so she has so many more opportunites and stuff than dd does in some ways.
Im skint and always have to say 'no'.

I think we often talk about here about disciplining vs saying nothing, but isn't there the half way method?

If I found my kids with their fingers in the jar of chocolate spread, I would scream/shout that it's disgusting and ordering them in their room and saying that I would withhold pocket money to buy a new pot.

I would calmly, with a smile and soft voice say that what they were doing wasn't very nice and ask them if if it would be better to pick a spoon, or even better a knife to spread it on a piece of bread.

Surely you could say that without coming across as horrible SM and your OH telling you off for picking her up on it? Alternatively, can't you ask him nicely that maybe he could remind her that it isn't a very pleasant action for the rest of the family?

IMHO, you just can't, it doesn't work like that! You have an unconditional love for your DC, which you'll (probably) never fully have for his DC...and vice versa. Having said that, I do think it's easier for men to bond with their DP's DC, than it is for women!
I think your best bet is to agree house rules/chores/acceptable/non acceptable behaviour, with your DP, then try to apply that as equally as you can to both DC....but you both have to be on board for it to work!