MSN - how much is too much for DSK's to be online chatting? (a little long...)

[TerraCloud]

My DP and I have been dead set against installing msn on our computer. We never had an issue about this with the dsks until their bm purchased and installed computers in each of the childrens' rooms at her home - unsupervised access.

My dsd is 10 yrs and dss is 12 yrs.

When they are at their bm's, they tell us how they stay up past midnight and download R rated movies and generally play online for a good portion of the night; chatting on MSN as well. (Did I mention that their bm also bought them their own cell phones?)

My DP and I have installed cyberpatrol to try and protect the dsk's from venturing on to unwanted sites but the issue of MSN and how "all their friends are on it" keeps coming up.

My DSD has been the one pushing us to install it so she can talk to a boy who she refuses to tell us anything about.

Anyway - we decided to allow my DSS to use MSN as a trial, to see how responsible he is. My DSD is away this week with her bm but noticed her bro online. DSD phoned up my DP, complaining, yelling, whining that when she is with us she is not allowed to be on MSN but her bro is... not giving DP a chance to explain that we are testing this out and not trying to exclude her from anything.

Now I am feeling like we should not have bothered installing MSN. I don't know how safe it is for children to be online chatting that way. I don't think DP should have installed MSN. Any advice? Am I over reacting?

Sorry for the rant... I feel like my DP caved into his DS's demands for using MSN because he feels bad that DS has to be interviewed by a child specialist and then that report has to be entered into court to state that DS wants to live/stay with us...

I don't know... my gut tells me that we should not have caved on installing MSN..

On things like this I give dh my opinion, then leave it up to him to decide what to do.

Whatever dsd's mum decides to do for her at home is down to her, we stay out of it.

Dsd is 11 and has just started using msn. We have the PC where everyone can see what she's up to and we've talked to her about being safe online. We limit her time on it, partly because I'd never get on mumsnet when she's here . It means she is able to keep in touch with her friends when she's here, one of whom has just moved to Portugal. She's also still in touch with girls she met on holiday. It is a bit much though when she communicates via msn with the boy next door - are you up, are you in sort of thing when she could just as easily go round and knock!

I am more concerned that she is using Bebo, but unless her mum or her dad put their foot down I don't think there's anything I can do. I have told her that I will be logging onto it to check her page out and have asked her not to put any personal details or any photos on there.

It also means that when she isn't here she can communicate with us, without having to use up her mum's or her phone credit.

you can save the conversations.

of course if they know that you know that they might uncheck the box you can click.

however if you dont say owt - yu can say its your pc nanny or something.

i would gie them each an hour. and no more.

msn itself is safe. You can only talk to people that you have added/have authorised to be added to iyswim. If they?re just talking to their school friends and to you/their mum/grandparents/other family there really is no harm. What would concern me is the unregulated access to other parts of the internet, e.g. chatrooms and the like. You don?t know who they?re talking to in chatrooms and who they?re then potentially giving their msn info to, and that is when I would be reluctant to give them msn.

Can you talk to your dsd about this boy? If she doesn?t want to give you info about him that?s probably quite normal tbh, but I would at least try to establish whether he?s someone she knows from school etc, rather than someone she?s met on the internet.

IMO it?s important that children do know about being safe online, but it?s also important not to push the point too much, as this may just make them clam up further.

Thank you for your comments. I know things are much different from when I grew up... I don't want to be over protective and we do want them to have their independence and to grow up / have their own experiences. I just worry for their safety.

Our computer is out in the open and DP is always checking over their shoulders to have a quick glance at what is being written or what sites they are visiting.

We have the internet safety rules posted by the computer as well.

Surfmum, I agree with your advice - I do discuss my concerns with my DP and you are correct - he is the one that made the decision which I will support. But, we did agree just last week that we would not install MSN and yesterday, without saying anything to me - he installed it.

I know I had originally said "we" installed and "we" agreed to a trial... the "we' part occured after I saw DSS chatting away online and then I talked to DP about the MSN chat being installed... sorry for any confusion...

hmmmm - yes

we have this issue with dss when they come and stay (every wed and every other weekend as a rule).

They are nearly 13 and 15 and perhaps quite old enough to be able to judge time allocation etc ... but perhaps not (I remember being so young and knowledgable ).

IMO they spent FAR too long on the computer (which has over-taken the playstation / nintendo phase 10 fold!) and dh agreed, so we have set limits on the time allowed spent on it AND not allowed them to have passwords to make it all secret as such, also we are able to check what is being written at any time etc.

They did mutter (and curse under their breath I'm sure) about being told such things - but we put it this way ... either play by our rules or don't play at all.

They agreed to play by our rules

I think I am lucky with my dsd. She is 13, and she is living away from her mother and sister (in South Africa) for the first time, so she talks to them on Skype once or twice a week (for maybe half an hour), then she also Skypes her friends a couple of times a week, when we are not busy with the computer. The computer is in the lounge and we are all in and out, although I would not read her private conversations.

She also has a programme on her mobile phone called Mxit, which allows her to chat (in text) to her friends and sister in SA, who have the same programme on their phones, and she does this sometimes in the evenings for half an hour or so. She wouldn't dream of doing this before she has finished her homework though. I don't have to say anything about that.

I'm not in favour of playstation type equipment, don't consider it time usefully used, and she hasn't mentioned any such thing. She and I both sometimes play Sims (often together) on the computer for fun, but only once every few weeks as we are all busy.

When she has any free time she tends to read books and I make sure she has a constant supply. Maybe I am old fashioned but that's what I did and still think its the best way to spend any free time.

I don't mind my dsks playing on the computer for 30 mins. I too would rather have them play outside and socialize with other children or read a book - something that will allow them to use their imagination.

We have all gone out together to buy books to try and motivate them to read... but the books just sit on the floor. I have tried to say to dsk's that for every minute you read your book, you can earn time on the computer... but that falls by the wayside as DP will let them go on without earning the time.