Fairly new relationship, about 1 year in.
We have DSS (11) 2 weeks out of each month full-time during school holidays, and for this 2 weeks, we're staying at my mum's place in France.
I've had my concerns about the dynamic between the three of us for a while, but on holiday... everything always gets clearer / magnified, and I'm just about at breaking point.
We've been here 4 days and I've not had more than 10 minutes with DP to have a conversation. I feel like the third wheel - like I'm gatecrashing their romantic getaway.
My mum set up a double mattress in her home office to add another 2 sleeping spaces in addition to the sofa. DP seems to assume that he and DSS will be sleeping together on the mattress, and says we can see if we can all squeeze in together. The past 2 nights I've been on the couch, because WTF...
DP showers with him. He dresses him. I've not seen DSS do up his own shoelaces or fetch himself so much as a glass of water. As soon as they're both awake they're glued at the hip. We walk down the street, they're dawdling behind me with their arms wrapped around one another. I try to join and walk with them, and somehow I end up behind or in front – not that they're talking to me anyway. We sit on the train – they're gazing into each other's eyes, DP is stroking his head, they're talking in hushed tones, and I'm sat there like a lemon.
We went to a theme park the other day. DP's standing in the line for rides with his arm around his son and the other one leaning on the fence, so he has his back to me and I'm literally blocked out of their space. Anyone looking would think we'd never met.
We went into town for a walk – again, I'm doing my best impression of a satellite while they're arm in arm, largely ignoring me.
Then DSS decides he needs to go to the bathroom. I point out a cafe to use, and then stand on my own in the street for 15 minutes while DP accompanies his 11 year old son to take a poo.
Sitting on the couch, DSS asks for a cushion. DP whips one out from under my arm without so much as making eye contact with me, and hands it to DSS.
DSS has no bedtime, or even "go and spend some time in your room even if you don't want to sleep yet" time, so whenever we get back from a trip out, DP and DSS snuggle up together for the evening watching video games on Youtube until DSS passes out, while I sit in the other room with my mother, who's totally confused about why my boyfriend is choosing to ignore the adults (his girlfriend and her mother, not a hotel manager) and be with his son (who he's been wrapped up in all day) instead.
I've been close to tears over and over for the past few days, needing to talk to DP about it, but DSS is always there - we've had ZERO time just the two of us. Last night I nearly lost it - I had about an hour's sleep after spinning circles in my brain all night.
Am I missing something? Am I being unreasonably jealous? Is it normal to be completely goo-goo 100% of the time over an almost-teenager?
Worth saying DSS is a LOVELY kid – I genuinely like him a lot.
But this is starting to feel like a deal breaker. As far as I'm aware, the adult couple is a unit of partners and the child, especially at 11, is learning to spread his/her wings and do things for themselves. Learn some independence and know that there's a safe space with people who love them to run back to.
This feels like they're the couple and I'm an afterthought.
I can't criticise DP's parenting - it's not my place, even though it's light years from how I'd raise my kids – but when it has an impact on me... AIBU to say what I'm feeling and expect a bit of attention every now and again?