Autistic DSS

[foursthescore]

I need some pointers on coping with my DSS1.

Hes 7, 8 at the end of the year. He was diagnosed with autism about 4 years ago, and I have been a fixture in his life for about 3 years now.

He is just such hard work and I don't know what to do anymore. There is also DSD whos 9 and DSS2 whos 4 and they are no trouble but they act up around DSS1 as he is always trying to hit them etc.

He is obsessed with screens, the iPad, the PS4 etc. We limit his time on these things, but the second theres no screens he goes mental, keeps screaming about how bored he is, he will then go and take his frustration out on the other 3 (the 2 others sc's and my ds who is 6) he would play the iPad 24 hrs a day if he could. The other day he scratched the screen in frustration at a game and cracked it, I said that he cannot play it again, and now he moans for it the whole time he is with us (eow and night in the week)

I do love him but I don't like him and I feel so mean because I know it isnt his fault. I adore my other 2 sc's, and often take them places without him because I just cant cope with him. The other day I took them all swimming and DSS1 refused to get in the pool, then started throwing floats at other random children in the pool and screaming, splashing etc, the lifeguards made me get him out.

My DH has his head firmly stuck in the sand, when DSS1 has hurt one of the other dc or been rude to me or just generally done something horrible he just says 'its his autism' consequently, DSS1 doesnt get disciplined for doing things that the other dc would get punished for.

I am concious that DSS1 has begun to notice I feel differently about him than the others. He can be a lovely boy too, he gives hugs and the other day told me he loved me. I just want to be the best sm I can be and I feel like I'm failing with him. I don't want him to dislike me.

Any helpful tips?

I work with children with autism and also have a child who has asd. It is hard work and yes, I know what you mean about loving but not always liking them but you must remember it is the behaviour that you don't like not the child.
I think you need to speak to your husband about strategies for dealing with behaviour like hitting and breaking things. This is a presentation of frustration, anger or anxiety not "his autism" he needs to be helped to deal with these emotions in a better way. The children I work with are teenagers mainly and from experience, if all behaviour is excused because of autism and not delt with effectively then it does get worse. What is the relationship with his mum like? Could you all sit down and come up with rules and strategies together? Children like to know where they stand and what they can and can't do and a child with autism even more so. Is there involvement with an OT? They would be able to give advice on ways to help him control his anger.
On a personal level, I always give a consequence for physical harm, but I do it very calmly and always explain that it is ok to feel angry and frustrated it is ok to tell someone you are feeling this way but it is never ok to hit someone.
Ideally you want him to be able to voice his feelings before he gets to the stage he loses control. Have you looked at using a 5 point scale to help him recognise what he is feeling and take control?
I would concentrate on one behaviour that you want to change at a time rather than the bigger picture.
Good luck

Agree with a 5-point scale being useful. I also would repost this in SN chat. You will have more replies as they are the experts.

Does your DSS have an educational psychologist? They can be helpful with strategies to cope. I have a 10 yr old with ASD & nonverbal. Even with all my experience of looking after him, I discovered I was taking the completely wrong approach with some issues.

As regards screen time, there is an app called OurPact. I have installed it on my kids iPhones & iPads. I can set a timer to allow access for set periods & after that the apps all vanish. I find it very useful because you can give them heads up on their allotted time, and when it's over, your not wrestling it out of their hands IYKWIM.

It sounds like your DP needs to take a more active role. From your post he sounds a bit passive.

Thank you very much for your input, it means a lot. Unfortunately the relationship between us and his mum is frosty to say the least (on her part) I think this contributes towards his behaviour. I will repost this in SN , thanks for the tip.