Do you have the same bond with each of your DSC?

[Littlepiggybrown]

I have two DSC. I have spent time bonding (trying) with both since being part of their lives. Years on I've realised that I can never have the same bond for both.

My youngest DSC and I get on brilliantly. He really likes me and I'm really fond of him. He gives me cuddles and loves spending time with me.

My oh's eldest though is a different kettle of fish. I've spent time with him on my own and we got on well (he's a very easy child). I also look after him during the school
Holidays and again get on well. In fact I enjoy his company. BUT when his dad is around he's a different child. He ignores me. Makes up lies about me and my dd. Cries at everything. Wont do anything without his dad. Gets jealous over anything and everything.

They stay half the week so it's not as though they don't see him much. Also my dd isn't here all the time and we have a good balance of me being around/not so they have some time alone. I then struggle to bond with him as I feel
Hurt that his behaviour is like this.

The split isn't recent and was nothing to do with me. And teachers have said that he hasn't shown any signs of having any issues. However the school have said that he's extremely advanced for his age?

I was just wondering if anyone had had these issues and if so how did you deal with them?

That sounds really difficult. I have the same bond with both my DSC. They're the same age and I dint have any of my own so I'm sure that makes a difference.

I get on better with DSS2 than DSS1, but DH and DSS1 don't really speak much, and DSS2 and DS don't speak to DSS1 at all, following some dubious lifestyle choices that resulted in social services removing both his children. DSS1 and I do get on and there has never been any animosity between us, but I can't support what he did (basically chose drugs over his kids) so the closeness that I have with DSS2 isn't there.

Having said that, I came into their lives
when DSS1 was 18 and DSS2 12, both had lived with DH full time since he divorced their mum after she cheated when they were 2 and 8. We are all friends now, so much so that we often pop round the ex's house for a cup of tea and a chat. There has never been any reason for us to have frosty relationships, and we seemed to seamlessly shift into a blended family really early on.

I would say that your situation and feelings sound completely understandable, I can relate to this myself.

Your dh should try and help more by trying to stop him lieing though. It will forever be a problem otherwise as quite rightly how are you suppose to build a bond with anyone if they treat you like that its only natural that it will make you struggle to get a relationship. You are only human don't give yourself too much of a hard time.

I suppose not when I think about it. SD1 was six and SD2 was two when I moved in. Their father has them every other weekend (more or less, amicable split with no need for official arrangements thus far.)

SD1 regarded me as a friend when we met (because I made a huge effort to be her friend) and when we told them I was mummy's boyfriend the only difference she cared about was that I'd be sleeping over and could play in the morning. She's accepted me brilliantly as an authority figure as time's gone on but she will always remember when her daddy lived at home too and I think the 'friend' aspect will always be stronger (even though totally off her own back she's started introducing me as step-dad to people.)

The 2 year old will never remember daddy living at home (if the sciency people are right about no firms memories from that age as they get older.) I've changed her shitty nappies and attended her first day at kindergarten and all the things I missed with SD1. She took a lot longer to fully accept me and was always exceptionally clingy to her mum, but in a way that's made it a little more rewarding as we've progressed, if that makes sense?

It just feels that the ages I met them will always mean there's a slight difference in how they regard me. The two year old will have more of my characteristics etc.

None of it matters though - we're a happy family unit and all of this just makes it feel unique.

I have four step children, and they are all there own different personalities and I love them all for their differences.
That said, I definitely have a stronger bond out of all of them with SS2. He is an absolute delight and we are very very close. He is the only one I have ever had fleeting moments of wishing he was mine and overwhelming love.
Having said that, as I said they are all very different, I care about them all very much and don't make it obvious how I feel slightly differently about SS2.

Yes I do have different bonds, that change through time. I think it can often be harder to the older kids - it is not as easy to adjust and change to a new partner and also there can be vying for 'position' sometimes. As in, Dad's favourite or being used to being treated in a special way when they have one parent on their own but not when another partner comes along.

My younger SDs have always been more open to me and more welcoming. It's ok OP it's all part of it. One of my SDs is a less resentful and more mature child all around, and she is the one who genuinely respects and cares for me. The others are just having problems in their personalities anyway and it's easy for it to get projected onto us or other family dynamics.

No I don't have the same relationship with my 4 DSC, and I never will....but that's fine, suits me!

Been step mum to 2 boys aged 6 and 8 when first met them and now young adults.

the younger one I love nearly as much as my own DD other one. We get on very well. He visits a lot, has done temp work my office. Older one there has never been a bond and I cant see it happening now.

I have a lovely SD and a very difficult SD (that's being kind) so totally different bond with each. I've tried much harder with the difficult one ironically but the bond isn't there.