7 year old - what to do!!

[harmony871]

My DD is 7 years old, her father and I split up when she was just 8 months old so she has never known us as a couple together.

When she was 3 I met my partner, it was the first man I had been with since splitting with DD's father as I spent my time being a single mum and looking after DD.

My partner did not meet DD for the first 10 months - we would just spend time together whilst DD was at her fathers house.

Long story short - When they did meet, all went well and when DD was 5 we moved in together as a family, a couple of months later I fell pregnant, had a daughter and DD1 without a doubt adores her little sister

The issue now is that for the last 6 months my DD1 has become very rude and unkind to my OH. He has had 'you're not my dad' shouted at him many times when he has asked her to do something or told her off for doing something she shouldn't.

I have spoken to my DD several times about the things she says and told her it is not acceptable and very disrespectful but within a few days she says something again.

Most recent we have had are - yesterday at tea time
OH (talking to me) - have you remembered I am away on Saturday evening?
DD - hahahaha!! Good. We don't want you in our family so go away forever!

This morning when OH was saying goodbye to leave for work -
DD - if the house was on fire I wouldn't rescue you.

I have spoken to her once again this morning, asked why she is saying these things and she said she doesn't know.

OH is understandably very upset about the way she has begun to treat him. He is amazing with her and always has been. He did himself wonder if it was to do with DD2 - but he has never treated DD1 differently after DD2 was born and has made an extra effort to show her how much he cares for her. I'm lost with what to do about it

Sorry to hear you're having a difficult time. What is your dd's relationship like with her own father? Could her behaviour be linked to that? Maybe there are some insecurities there?

When she makes these rude and nasty remarks is she disciplined?

Also, is her biological dad in her life, could he be contributing to this?

As CharleyEmily said, I would suspect this is about her father. What is their relationship like? Is he bad-mouthing her stepfather when they're together. Her behaviour sounds like she's testing him to ensure he won't leave.

I would focus on her stepfather love bombing her; things like taking just her for an ice cream, making her favourite dinner, taking just her to see a film, or taking her and her best friend to the park or a soft play. Push the positives constantly so she feels secure. Hopefully, she'll feel safe to tell you why she's upset, but don't be surprised if she doesn't know herself. Little ones don't always know why they're acting up, just that they need to.

It could be that your DD has reached an age she fully understands and has taken in the situation. She is probably feeling very insecure, confused or fully realised that your OH isn't her real dad.
As previous posters said, what is her relationship with her real dad like?
Could it be friends at school have started talking about this and made her feel different?
I'd keep up the discipline about respect but also try and have a more emotional chat about why she feels that way and try and find out if something more is bothering her?
How is your OH with your DD? Does he act like a dad or are things more distant?
It could be she needs reassuring or help to see things differently.

Even though your dp is amazing with her, do you think he could maybe take her out on his own for one or two outings so maybe they could repair the bond ? Also is her dad putting these words into her mouth ( just asking) he may be great I don't know

Her dad has her every other weekend from 10am Saturday morning until 10am Sunday morning - it's been a constant battle to try and get him to see more of his daughter and although he works mon - fri and NO weekends he says he needs the rest of the time to have a 'break' from everything. DD does seem to enjoy going to see her dad although she is so use to spending more time with us and that's the way it has always been.

My OH often takes DD out alone for some 1:1 time, as do I. We have more recently spent more time doing this actually that we have as a family hoping that this 1:1 time with each of us may help.

When DD makes these comments both me and my OH will say something along the lines of 'oh that's not very kind and I'm sure you don't mean that' I will then when I have the chance speak to her alone about it. I wouldn't say I discipline her, no I tell her it's unkind and she mustn't say things like that etc etc and ask her why she did say it

Also DD doesn't speak much of her dad when she is with us. If we ask what she has done with her dad she often says 'nothing much, watch tv' I've spoken to my ex about this via text several times and asked him what he does with her and he gives me almost the same answer 'not much' I tell him that the time he spends with his daughter he should try doing some nice things with her, doesn't always have to cost a lot of money but they don't so much even seem to go to the park, get an ice cream etc!! It does really irritate me but neither me or my OH ever bad mouth her dad, I would like to hope he has the same respect for us!

When DD makes these comments both me and my OH will say something along the lines of 'oh that's not very kind and I'm sure you don't mean that' I will then when I have the chance speak to her alone about it. I wouldn't say I discipline her, no

As you've tried the soft approach, and asking her why she says these things without much of an answer, the next step is to start disciplining her.

At 7 years old she is old enough to know that what she is saying is wrong.

If she has a happy home life and gets undivided attention one on one with you and your DP I can't see a reason for this behaviour.

Maybe start with taking away TV time for example?

How is she at school? Could it be an issue there?

Is she maybe jealous that the baby gets to stay with you both and that she doesn't get to be with her mum and dad or step dad full time like the baby? Maybe she's more bonded to her step dad than her real dad and upset that the baby has him as her real dad?
I was going to suggest her step dad taking her out and giving her lots of 1:1 attention, but you are already doing that

Has this started since the baby was born?

When DD makes these comments both me and my OH will say something along the lines of 'oh that's not very kind and I'm sure you don't mean that'

I bet her response is always "yes I do!"? You aren't coming down hard enough on what is very rude and deliberately hurtful behaviour. You need to get firm (and I would be visibly angry and tell her how disgusted it was that she would say such a thing to anyone) she would be made to apologise every single time and told that if she said anything like that again to anyone there would be X consequence.

I'm not sure why you haven't done that already. How would you react if she was as nasty to one of your friends or one of her friends?

Id be really hurt if my stepchild was saying stuff like that to me and my dh just said "oh dear that's not very kind". I think it would probably harm our relationship in the end.

You've tried talking to her, next time she says something, id have an extremely firm word in a strict tone to say that it's not acceptable to make these comments and if it continues then there will be consequences. Whatever consequences you normally use. I expect she's trying to test your partner to see if he will stick around. But he's been proving that by taking her out 1:1 and treating her equal to the baby. So you need to show her that its not acceptable to be so utterly rude to him. Shes not a baby, she knows she shouldn't be saying it.

In fact I wouldn't wait for the next occasion where she said something rude. I would sit down with her and your partner with no distractions and discuss how it makes your partner feel when she says things like that and try to get to the bottom of why she's doing it. She might try and evade the questions and be embarrassed but you'll have to be persistent.

No she doesn't say 'yes I do' she actually very quickly looks embarrassed and says 'no.. sorry' she clearly isn't sorry thou as it's repeated.

Thanks all for your advice and I decided to go and have a serious word with DD a couple of hours ago and told her that that kind of behaviour will no longer be tolerated.

We have a summer calendar where we have wrote down all our fun days out over the next few weeks while she is of school, these are 1:1 things and family things, she is looking forward to them all. I have now today told her that anymore unkind words will result in her losing a 'day out' from the calendar each and every time.

I asked her if there was anything bothering her or if she needed to talk to me about any reason why she was saying these unkind things and she said she didn't know why, he just annoys her sometimes. I told her this still wasn't acceptable and she has never spoken to me that way or anyone else. She agreed.

Fingers crossed things now improve

i wonder if any friends are going through a divorce or similar? Has she overheard you arguing? It just very much sounds to me as if she's testing him to see what he'll do, if he's definitely going to stick around forever kind of thing.

I had a stepdad and me and my brothers and sister did the 'you're not my real dad' and tried to hurt him. At the time my mum and stepdad were arguing a lot and my mum had been in a serious car accident. We were just insure and needed reassurance that he cared about us.

Has something happened? Have there been rows? Could she have overheard something? I'd have a family meeting and ask her about her feelings. Tell her that for 5 minutes she's allowed to say whatever she likes and see if she reveals any secret hurt or confusion.

Thank you mama bear, that's good advice and If it continues then I will arrange a little family meeting and allow her to say as she feels and see what comes out. It will give me and my OH chance to then also tell her properly how it makes us feel.

There is nothing that has happened in the family that I can think of for her to be this way.

We rarely argue and when we have has never been in front of her, and never turns into shouting that she may have heard

I reckon at 7 she's probably only just reached the age where she properly comprehends that your OH isn't her 'real' dad and she just doesn't know how to deal with it, she's probably never thought about it before.

Hopefully it's a phase she will pass through, but in the meantime I'd carry on telling her off and letting her know it's wrong :)

Good luck x