First post. Step-mum, struggling

[stella80]

I'm new to this and a bit nervous about posting. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man (been together 3 years now) who has an 11 year old daughter. I feel like we have done everything with care and caution when it comes to bringing me into her life. I met her for the first time after 6 months. My bf has her every other weekend, at first I would just meet them for a day out or meal, wouldn't stay over etc. Fast forward to now, we are living together. My bf and her Mum broke up when she was 1 and her Mum now lives with her new bf who also has two children who stay regularly with them. While me and my sd get along I just don't really feel like I have much of a relationship with her and generally feel a bit useless. I've never tried to be her Mum, she has one who she adores, and she adores her Dad as well. However she doesn't treat out home as hers and we still go to his parents every Saturday night we have her, to stay over and generally stay there until 5pm Sunday when we leave to take her back to her Mum's, because this is what my sd wants. Her attitude is appalling and she'll very often scream at my bf that she never wants to see him again, she's ashamed of him etc and I have to sit there and listen to it. She says he babies her however she plays up to it- baby voice when she doesn't get her own way, cries about 4 times a day, seems to invent 'poorly tummies' quite often for attention, won't go to sleep unless he goes in and lies with her in bed... am I wrong to think this is a bit strange at the age of 11? I know she's seen a few men come and go with her mum, and the only stable thing she has had has been every other weekend at her grandparents however I honestly think part of the reason she wants to be there is because she gets spoiled rotten. We go there and she picks what we all eat, what films we watch that night, what we do. I never get involved when she's misbehaving, the one time I did, last week, she went straight back to her Dad, in tears, and made up stories saying I'd shouted at her and told her she couldn't do something. Luckily he saw through it and very calmly backed me up and she admitted that I had been right. This is a really long post but I just wondered if anyone felt similarly to me- I just feel useless and not relevant to the situation and while I'm fully aware she's a child and I'm an adult it's hard not to feel a bit resentful at times. We would like to have a baby together soon but I don't think my sd would take it well at all, we've talked about getting married but I can honestly see her creating a scene at the wedding.
I may sound selfish, and I'm trying so hard not to be, but I'm struggling with the whole situation.

she'll very often scream at my bf that she never wants to see him again, she's ashamed of him etc
That's terrible. What is he doing about this? As it is often the case, he seems a bit useless when it comes to bringing her up. Maybe he relied on his parents a bit too much and now feels overwhelmed with you having to witness her acting up.

Unfortunately, if that's how he's always been, there is no reason why it should change so you might need to consider how you can live with this every other week-end without feeling like you want to explode.

Don't consider marriage and babies on the assumption that you can change how is bringing up his daughter. It could happen, but most likely it won't and he will then take his stress out on you (on the basis that before you can into his life, all was well).

I don't want to be too negative but if I could turn back time I would have never,EVER gotten involved with my DH. If I have known what I know now ANY men with a child, but a daughter especially, would be a NO.

As it stands I was an idiot and thought it would all work out in the end and I love my DH very much. We have a DS now too so I will never be in a position of a childless women dating again.

My SD is 16 and while there were/are better moments its just not worth it. The drama, manipulations, permissive father too afraid to parent in case an ex (or the child itself) refuses contact..SD masterfully playing adults against each other etc.

It doesn't get better in teenage years. Maybe when they grow up and do some thinking on their own. Are you willing to wait that long?
Are you prepared for that girl ruining your wedding, possibly making your own child all abour HER etc etc?

It really just isn't worth it...

He is getting better and with regards to her attitude he's told her many times it's unacceptable. He actually told her the other day that I was sick of her attitude and so was he, and that she needs to sort it out. Trouble is I think he feels a lot of guilt that he's not with her all the time. I'm also worried that as much as he says he would like us to have a child together that he wouldn't know how to love another child as he'd be constantly worrying sd felt left out.

Sort of similar situation here. When I met dh his eldest was 11. She was a complete baby and he pandered to it. Over time I've helped him learn to empower his daughters rather than baby them. He used to do EVERYTHING for them, it was painful, they ruled the roost.

They are now 16 and 13 and living with us and they're becoming really lovely independent young ladies that can make decisions themselves.

He's still a bit ott on occasion but I've made peace with that.

The difference for us i suppose is he had done everything for his children since they were born as their mum isn't capable. When he moved out they had 50/50 care but on her time she was heavily reliant on family and eventually he decided they'd be better cared for with him so we've had a lot of time to change our situation.
Im telling you, when he stepped it up, tantrums stopped but I've been where you are.

When I first became involved with a man with children (And I do have my own) I read stuff on here all the time warning not to do it I felt so sad but I am genuinely pleased that I did. I feel like we've made such a positive difference to their lives and my children get on with them, we've done 2 successful full family holidays and today it's just me and the 13 year old and she's really excited to be hanging out.

I feel sad their mum doesn't really see them or ask if we can bring them over but I'm doing my hardest to be a good step mum.
I guess my advice is if you're not sure you can hack it, don't have a baby but I wanted to share a positive experience because I definitely felt the same once.

It's the old story; husband and wife split up, husband moves out and only gets to see his DC every other weekend etc. He is consumed with guilt at not being fully in their lives, the DC (especially daughters) soon learn to manipulate him into doing/having whatever they want. He gets to the point, that as long as they keep coming, they can basically rule his life. New love interest on the scene, big challenge for the DC, who are definitely not keen on sharing their DF, and certainly not about to give up the control they have over him!
Result: if this transition period is not handled well.....misery all round!
THE END

If your going to be a family unit and progress to having dc together then you have to a united stand when it comes to bad behaviour. Me and dh would tell DS when he's in the wrong just as much as we would our dd. Just like his DF has finally started to tell DS off just like I would expect his SM to.

Why not encourage him to stay with her till she goes to sleep? Maybe this is important dad and daughter time.

I think I would try to break the cycle of DGPs house. And are you really all sitting in watching rubbish films every other Sat night?
Just say you are doing something else. And do it. Or sometimes take DSD to the cinema, to see a show, maybe DGM you and her, a girls night out, Go out somewhere different for a meal.
Do you all stay over? She isn't getting one to one with her DF.
Cycle run, trip to zoo, musem or whatever, with or without DGPs.
She is calling the shots but isnt' old enough to know what constitutes a good night out. What about her having a friend to stay with her at yours?

He actually told her the other day that I was sick of her attitude and so was he

Oh OP, you poor thing. I read this line and thought oh no-he's using you to bring some discipline which will just give DSD the impression that you are the problem and her Dad is being forced to discipline her because of you, not because she deserves to be disciplined. This will only make things worse I fear. You need a serious talk with DP I think.

@thethoughtfox thank you for your message... please don't take this the wrong way but at the age of 11 do you not think this is a little odd? I was sleeping alone much younger than that and I'm certain her Mum doesn't do this when she stays there. I'm not being arsey, I just find it strange. 😳

@MissBabbs thank you- I like your ideas of girls nights... she wouldn't go anywhere with us without her Dad. He's suggested me, DSD and her grandma go shopping and for lunch before and her grandma won't either! (I have a great relationship with his parents, they are amazing, apart from when they baby DSD) it's so hard.
We have just got back from a very expensive holiday to the Caribbean, I've never been anywhere like that before and me and bf worked so hard to pay for it. dsd says on last night 'well I didn't have a choice to come' and screamed at her Dad she wanted to go home on numerous occasions during the holiday. It's not the money but she's so ungrateful- he's now getting messages from her (we have been back less than a week) asking him to take her to places in the next few weeks. We have struggled in the last few months to take her on an amazing holiday and it's not enough and she's demanding more now!
I love her dad but I am at my wits end.

at the age of 11 do you not think this is a little odd?

No it's not odd in this kind of situation. It's horrible for kids to live like this and it's for the adults to make it as easy as possible. I agree with Kitty. Your DP is abrogating parenting and blaming you for things not going 100% DSD's way.

Kids will push boundaries. 11 year olds misbehave. I've just taken my 10 year old niece away for the weekend. She was a nightmare. I love her dearly and she is desperate to go way again soon but I found it such an ordeal. Honestly, she won't get the "attitude".

Take the step parent dynamic out of it. It's a child trying to find her way in the world. She wants adult approval, especially her dad's.

It sounds as if she is trying to push you as far as she can - to be messaging about being taken places having just come back from the Caribbean is a wind up imv.
You are taking a back seat sort of and leaving DP to deal with her but he is not doing it. Too scared. Perhaps he could speak to some child expert counsellor or someone who can advise him and who he would listen to.
I would think she would love going out with you, a charity fashion show?

We are meant to be going away again this weekend (very tired and spent up!) to Poland for one of his best friend's wedding and we are taking sd. I've just let rip at him, he's not speaking to me now. I can't take any more.

When I say I can't take any more of sd but I can't let her unacceptable behaviour continue unaddressed. A lot of children are brought up by parents who aren't together, it does not give them the excuse to get away with things other children wouldnt. I'll stop no as I feel parents may read this and want to kill me!

OP - you have my utmost sympathy as a mum and a step mum.
I have an 11 year old daughter & both me and her dad would find them sharing a bed, bar a Saturday morning cuddle, highly inappropriate - furthermore she'd hate it - 11 year olds naturally start wanting physical space. That behaviour is nothing more than her trying to control your alone time (she's 11 & will know quite well your bed is your adult time together).
Your dp probably thought he was doing a lovely thing for dd & gps by decamping there every weekend but all he's really done is share the discipline - to the extent now that he has very little authority - dd will always have her gps to have her back in any situation so as other posters have said he really needs to cut this back & take charge of his weekends with her.
I agree with the poster who talked about empowering children & that's what's needed here. My Dp has taken this tack with his teen sons & two of them have greatly improved in their behaviour (all three are completely babied & mollycoddled by their mum & expect the same from Dp).
I really think this girl needs to be weaned off getting her own way & controlling every Saturday night.
Maybe for your own sanity step back & let them off to Poland together while you go to a spa! & then next time you and Dp go way go away ALONE. She will have to realise there's compromise in everything.
Indulging kids & teens does then no favours in the long run.