Friendships and contact time

[Fianceechickie]

My DSD12 started high school in Sept and, as they do, has become moody and bad tempered and has grown up very fast! She has developed a close friendship with a girl who lives in her town (they're about 20/25 mins from us) and this is meaning she's asking more and more to miss contact time with us. We have asked her again and again to have this girl over to us, offered to take them places, drop her off, pick her up etc but my dsd seems determined to keep her friendships separate from her life with us. She hasn't seen any of her friends whilst at ours at all. She's on hols with her mum atm and so wasn't going to see her dad for two weeks, she missed the last day and night of her last contact time with us before she went and then texted the other day to ask not to come on Monday so she could spend another day and night with her friend. Has anyone any experience/advice on this? I know it's normal to develop these intense friendships at her age but I don't get why she has to compartmentalise her life like this. Surely a friend is a friend wherever she is? When she's at ours she ends up bored sometimes and is constantly asking 'what are we doing?' We feel a lot of pressure to lay on expensive activities for her and her brother to fill their time even though our house is set up as if they live here full time. Her brother has made friends with local boys but DSD has refused to have anything to do with their sisters!

This is a difficult one - as they get older, they are going to be more inclined to want to see their friends. Alot of children do it, and they put more effort into outside relationships/friendships. This added dynamic of having time two homes just makes it more complicated. I wouldn't take it personally or to heart, she's possibly just finding her own way in the world. Keep the lines of communication open, don't force anything and don't be tempted to raise the stakes to entertain her. Listen to what she wants, and try to find ways to make this work. Let the rest go. Good luck

Thanks Lemon, it is a hard one. I do understand where she's coming from I know it's no disrespect to me or her dad; it's just that I don't get why when we're bending over backwards to have her friends over here or facilitate her seeing them when she's with us, she insists on contact time starting late or ending early to see friends. It's as if her life with us has to be kept separate from her life in her town and never the resin shall meet which will only result in us seeing less of her as time goes on. Suspect part of it is her mum is more liberal than us and let's her hang around the town and parks with groups of friends which we don't approve of. The park in particular where she wants to wander to with her friend is being targeted by local police concerned about anti social behaviour among local teens.

You have hit the nail on the head! Mum gives her more freedom to roam and that's it.

Its not personal and I would take that as a starting point. If you get in the way of her social life she will resent it hugely. Best to change the contact days imo

I worry too much! I'm a teacher and we're always having training and sessions for the kids on the dangers. I just don't think she'd know how to handle it if an older boy approached her. I know we can't control what her mum lets her do it's her decision at the end of the day but we can at least try to make sure she's safe 'on our watch'. Her friend seems very controlling as well, she's unavailable on days convenient for DSD so she has to make arrangements to see her when it suits. This friends hates her own father apparently who she doesn't live with and has got my DSD to go for sleepovers at his house when her SM is away which seems dodgy in my view but can't interfere as that was on her mums time.