Always got to be better

[cpjoli]

Ah I don't know how to word this.
I've been with my DH for 3 years. He has a 7 year old who lives with his mum and we have 2 nights plus eow. My ds is 13 and lives with us, no contact with dad since he was born.
I adore my DH but it keeps cropping up that his ds always has to have better than mine. My ds has me and my DH, no-one else where as his ds has us and a whole other family with his mum step dad and brother.
For example my ds got an Xbox from my mum at Christmas. 2 weeks later DH pipes up he wants to buy his ds a newer console for his birthday so promptly buys it. I was miffed as it always seems his ds has to have better. His d's has lots of money in a bank account but my DH is always buying him things, saying it will come out but it doesn't.
Latest thing is that we are moving to a 3 bed house. My mum has an old tv and has said ds can have it so he can have Xbox eye on his room. My ds asked how big the tv was so I said about the same size as our current tv. DH said no it's smaller. 5 mins later he says well his ds will have our tv and he'll buy a new one. Yet again his d's had to have better.
Its really grating me...i have BPD and depression so don't know if I'm over reacting but I feel like we're always second best.
We font refer to them as mine and yours d's at home. Just made it easier to write in this post.
Sorry it's long...any perspectives welcome.

Hi OP,
I'd say, from experience, that your dp is trying his darnedest to prove to his son that he is "number one", that is your ds has not taken over some imagined position in the new family set up.
I have a ds and my dh has dd and ds and we've been together now for about 7 years, similar set up to yours, only my ds always saw his dad regulalry. It has not been easy. We had 18 months of couples therapy to deal with a lot of dh's issues. It is guilt and the fear that the child will not like them anymore, not come over, etc.
I would have little, casual chats with ds, assuring him how much he is loved but dh has difficulty seeing things reasonably. If your ds is mature enough he will understand and not take it personally. My ds is now grown up and at uni. He's doing well and has not been emotionally scarred. The kids are friends, but if anyone has really suffered its dh's kids. Too much pandering isn't healthy at all, it always made them feel they were missing out, not quite getting everything they then felt entitled to, which is a shame as they would be lovely - until their dad started being weird again!
Don't overthink it, love your ds, that's what they really remember.... Good luck

he's being a dick!

I'd be having it out with him - otherwise this will happen constantly for the duration of your marriage.

Is your DH spending from the 'family' pot on these extras or does it come out of his personal spends?
If it's family money - then there's nothing stopping you taking out the same for your ds and spending it on him/saving it in his account.

As for the savings - you don't need dh's 'permission' to transfer the same amount from joint funds into your ds's savings account.
Just do it.

He's choosing to ignore the fact that his ds gets more than yours anyway - so surely if he wants things to be 'fair' he should be increasing your ds's 'treats' to match?

Your dh is playing disney dad and deliberately creating a divide/issue.

Why haven't you spoke to him about this?
I'd be extremely pissed off by now.

mmmm, I see it both ways. As trustybucket has already stated, your DH is probably acting in a way to show his son that he is still number one, probably out of some guilt that your boy now has him, as a dad, every day of the week when his own son only see him a few days.
That's fair enough as indeed, it's hard to see another child getting more of your parent than you.

However, showing him this by giving him exactly the same than what your DS has but better/bigger doesn't make much sense because of the age gap. What is he going to do when your 13yo gets a decent mobile, give his 7yo one too?

At the same time, you do need to accept that this child will always have more because of his family set up and there isn't anything you can do about it. Remember that ultimately, your son gets a nice family set up, with your OH for himself 3/5 days a week, and most kids would much much rather have that then have a bigger TV.

Thanks for the replies.
The money has been accumulated from Xmas eye but in my eyes should be spent on nicer things he wants or that DH perceives he wants.
Unfortunately I was in a lot of debt when I met DH so have no savings and just about scrape by each month now. I'm coming to the end of paying them off so should be able to start saving for ds.
I do feel like he is being a Disney dad ( love that phrase!!) But he can't make it up forever. Where does it stop? They've been divorced 6 years so its not new.
Maybe I need to rethink my whole situation although I worry I'm self destructing rather than it being a real issue

What it sounds like is that you have a different perspective on your financial situation. It would seem that you would want it be to a case of all put in one pot and then shared equally, whereas he sees it as happy to help, but it's a still a case of your money and his.

One could argue that you are now married, so the first should apply, but then I can also understand the second as even married, my OH and I have separate account and do what we want of our money. I would hate being told what I should or shouldn't spend on my children.

Maybe you need to talk to reassess where you all stand when it comes to money and spend on the children.

Oh my... I feel your pain. My hubby does the same with his daughter. She's 8 and my daughter is 15 and we've been together just a little over three years now. He makes me so mad when he does stupid shit like that. Perfect example took place in June when he's daughter turned 8. He spent $700 on a birthday but last year when my daughter turned 14, he kinda got pissy when I took her and a couple of friends out for dinner and spent $200. He feels like he has to make up for the down falls of his ex wife because she's selfish and greedy. No 8 yrs old needs a $700 birthday party. That's just crazy. We're trying to have a baby but I'm not 100 percent sure that's a good idea. What if he treats our baby as different as he does the two girls we already have.

Remember that ultimately, your son gets a nice family set up, with your OH for himself 3/5 days a week, and most kids would much much rather have that then have a bigger TV

OP's son is not responsible for the adults choices - so why should he be penalised?
This guy isn't even his biological father but the DS should accept being treated like a male version of cinderella?

OP, how do you manage household finances, do you have a joint account for expenses or do you keep separate finances?

Do you want really want to be with a 'man' who treats your son like this?

This is utter bollocks... no child should be treated as "no.1" and your DH should not be trying to prove to his son that he is! He should not be no.1 to your DH, neither child is first because that means the other is second.
Point this out, they should be treated equally!
People will say you SS has to share his dad, well guess what... your son is now having to share his ONLY parent and is being treated as second best by mum's new partner in favour of another child. Your DP is out of order, whether intentionally or not

Gogglerox, I'm totally of the same mind set as you. Each child is special in their own "special little ways" and shouldn't be treated any different. My DP does the exact same thing with our two children, each from our first marriages. If I hear from him one more time "Anna ( his daughter) is younger and should be treated different or should get more" I think I'm going to scream. Both our children deserve the best that this world has to offer and should get equal amounts of everything. My DP even goes as far as saying "I'd be having a much better time if Anna was here" on weekends when we don't have her and my daughter is with us. We have my daughter (15 yrs old) most of the time as her father is a total dead beat and has almost nothing to do with her. We have his daughter 50% of the time so 7 days out of 14.

I love my DP but he needs to stop "playing" favorites when it comes to our children.

How sad for your daughter
I hate the assumption that children who separated parents are automatically fragile and have a crap life so we need to tip toe around them. My DCs and my SCs are all from split families (DH and I have 2 each but none together) and they are incredibly loved and happy!
All the parents involved are loving caring parents, none of them need any preferential treatment because their parents are no longer together. I think the reason our families have blended now is because I refused to treat any of the kids as if they were from broken homes... nothing is broken, it has just changed for them - and I would suggest it's actually changed for the better for all concerned as now all the parents are happy

Both great posts gogglerox.
I too can't stand this notion that children's lives are ruined forever due to separation/divorce & pandering to said kids does them no good in the long run. My Dp doesn't pander but does excuse certain behaviours because of guilt & it drives me nuts.
OP I've no real advice for you bar that you really need to keep talking to your Dp about this & review your situation if he can't see the light as his behaviour will be affecting your kids which is very unfair.

Thanks for all the replies.
When we're altogether we treat them the same and they have equal love and attention. I need to accept that DH has more money than me therefore can spend it as he wishes. He has treated my d's this week to a new scooter after his broke.
We have a joint account for bills and shopping but then my own left over money is eaten up on debts but he saved his. By next year I should be sorted. He cleared a lot of my debt when I first moved in.
I know I have a lot of shit in my head at the moment and am struggling with my mh and depression hence why I posted here to get some perspective. He is very loving in lots of ways but money seems to cause the issues.
Sorry for the ramble !!

Him having more money doesn't mean he gets to treat the children differently. When you decided to be a family that should have been one thing that was made clear... maybe it's time to do that? Xx