Step parent and making plans

[Louw12345]

How do you make plans ie days trips holidays if my partners ex stops access as and when she pleases

You dont.
You leave it to the DC's parents.

Bit harsh thefutureisfemale . Op would be flamed for not involving the step children. Now she's being flamed because she wants to make plans to include them?

To the OPs question.

We have similar experience of DP ex cancelling arranged contact and stopping SDD from coming on holiday / trips etc .

That's up to her to do - we always try to involve SDD but if her mum wants to cancel that then there is sadly nothing we can do.

We would never discuss anything that happens around this in front of SDD and are just going to hope she realises what's gone on when she is older.

It's sad really.

I'm moving out - can't cope with it any longer. I work nights and swap my weekends so that I am working when the DSC aren't there - this keeps changing at the last minute meaning that I end up getting barely any sleep (and never spend any weekend time alone with my DP as I am either working, exhausted, or the kids are there). By last minute - we are talking with an hour's notice type last minute...

I'm moving out of it and staying out of it. Hopefully when I am less involved and don't feel judgemental as much about it, hopefully our relationship will improve.

People say 'well you knew what you were letting yourself into' - well actually, no I didn't. If we end up splitting up quite likely then I will never date someone with kids again...

You can't really. You plan holidays without them but do explain why in the most age appropriate way, if they even ask. Plan day trips that don't require tickets etc so you don't lose any money. It means the children lose out but there's not much you can do. Try to aim for quality time/activities that are easy to arrange.

I havery children to so I do like to plan things. There's a day trip I want to take them them to which amounts to 96pound 2 adults 7 kids. I don't have money to waste and neither does he. It's cheeper to buy online so saving alot.

She's on and off all the time she has a partner but still texts her ex. She doesn't like the kids coming to mine either. (Which I understand it's hard I have been there myself ).
He has his children every weekend but if she decides he's not having then he won't know till Friday.

They are ment to be staying for the week in august. But coz she was in a mood the other day she's said they won't be able to come. Which she did last week then text him at 5.30 saying come for your son. Then his daughter was dropped of the next day.

He's moving in next year it's 50 mins from my house to hers and same from where he lives now. I think it's a bit of a piss take just texting at last minute like that.
And because he loves his kids and wants to see them he let's her treat him in such a way.
I'm trying not to let it bother me but I feel like my children are going to end up missing out to. I really don't deal well with last minute I'm a planner like things like day trips to be organised (this is due to havin 5 kids)

thefutureisfemale

OP Of course you should be planning things for your step-children - that goes with being a family. If it's this bad then mediation/court would be the answer. She really shouldn't have this much control over your lives. The only person who can put a stop to this is your partner - he needs to take action.

Iv spoken to him today regarding how he asks for the children. Ie are the children coming this weekend. I said it wrong to ask for your access in such a way due to you having weekend access.
However the text should say I will be there for the children at 6. This not giving her the control to say yes or no. Also she is to let you know where the children are being dropped off. (I think she likes him texting her as she will start up a conversation with him) he's far too nice to be horrible to her or anyone in that matter but due to this he gets treaten badly by her.

Iv also suggested that if he changes the way he asks for the children does not work we will look into family mediation.

I know this is nothing to do with etc, but seeing my man upset and hurt really hurts me, and I want the best for him and his childrens relationship

Horrible * I mean firm and assertive as in they are my children you have no reason to stop access. (She calls it horrible and that's he's not being nice)

So he has tried but coz it isn't In nature he gos back to putting up with it

This is to do with you though - if it affects him then it affects you! You are on the right track with your suggestions. There is certainly a way of phrasing texts that will limit how she can then take control. My husband's ex started using the term 'bully' - my husband wasn't being bullish, he was just being firm. She just didn't like it because he took back some control on the situation.

I'm sure your partner is a lovely man, but he needs to be much more assertive than this. I wonder if sub-consciously he doesn't quite feel like an equal parent. It's easy to slip into that feeling if you are the NRP - especially if you have to practically beg the other parent to let you see them...! He is an equal parent, she didn't make them on her own. The contact needs to be set for scheduled days/nights. This isn't just for the parents to be able to plan things, this will help the children know where they are so they feel stable, settled and secure. I understand your partner doesn't want to rock the boat for fear of not seeing them but I do believe that being passive about it is also being detrimental to them. They deserve to see their Dad on a regular, set basis which includes you and your children too.

Yeah I think this to as he is not his daughters biological father he doesn't push it. But he pays towards her upbringing and has access when he's allowed. She won't keep his son away from him she will say she will but tells him to pick him up when she's ready to allow him to see him.
Oh o don't know. He said he will change the way he asks for the kids a d go from there.

Louw I hope your partner has some luck with the different approach in communication. Have you discussed other options, by that I mean mediation and the courts. As that may be your only real option. Even then it may not achieve anything.
And you'd prob have to talk to a family lawyer about his daughter, depends on many factors, but shouldn't be an issue.
I cant believe some ppl on here have said there's nothing he can do.

On a unpleasant side note, do the children no why they don't go to his, my worry would be they are told daddy has cancelled again.