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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step Daughter

23 replies

Not0nYourNelly1984 · 24/07/2017 16:49

Hi, sorry if this has been spoken about already, but I am new to here..

Just wondering if I am being unreasonable to not want to play 'happy families' when my step daughter is over when my husband doesn't want a family with me?
I have always made my feelings known, it's not like he didn't know my feelings towards her...

TIA

OP posts:
Justhadmyhaircut · 24/07/2017 16:50

Why did you get married with such different expectations?

Notreallyarsed · 24/07/2017 16:50

What feelings do you have towards her? If it's just that you're happy for them to spend their time together and you do your own thing, I'd say that's fine. If you're hostile towards her or resentful that's not fine.

TheScottishPlay · 24/07/2017 16:51

Sounds a grim situation all around. I feel sorry for your SS.

Holidayhooray · 24/07/2017 16:52

What about just behaving like a decent human being and sucking up your own issues for the time that the child is with you.

Original poster
Not0nYourNelly1984 · 24/07/2017 16:56

We get on well and enjoy the time (mostly) when she's over. It's just when I don't feel like playing happy families I am made to feel awful!

OP posts:
OutToGetYou · 24/07/2017 16:58

What on earth do you mean by 'playing happy families'?

And if you want a family and he doesn't and, as a result, you resent his daughter, then you need to leave him. It won't end well.

krustykittens · 24/07/2017 16:58

Your feelings towards her?! Do you mean you have less than positive feelings towards your DSD even before the whole 'he won't have a family with me' issue? Because honestly, there is no way I would have kids with someone who was already hostile to my child from a previous relationship as things would just get even worse. But then, I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who was hostile to my child, full stop.

Notreallyarsed · 24/07/2017 16:59

I can't see what you get out of this marriage OP. If he's making you feel bad about not wanting to spend time with his child, and is adamant you and he won't have a child, what's in it for you?

Holidayhooray · 24/07/2017 16:59

Krusty... nailed it

If you think being hostile to his daughter is going to tenor him to have children with you, you have another thing coming.

krustykittens · 24/07/2017 17:00

Also, you're not supposed to playing at anything when she is over, you are supposed to be part of her family. I really don't understand what you mean by 'playing happy families'?

Windycityblues · 24/07/2017 17:03

Is your step-daughter the issue, or is it not having a child with your DH? I can see that it must be very hard to parent your step-child if your partner will not agree to have a child with you and you want to have a child. However your step daughter didn't get to choose any of this so be as kind to her as you can. It sounds as though your real issues may be with your DH.

moomin4071 · 24/07/2017 17:05

Do you mean by not wanting to play happy families, that you want some alone time and want DP/H and DSD to go do their own thing for the day etc?
How old is DSD?

Original poster
Not0nYourNelly1984 · 24/07/2017 17:08

@krustykittens

I totally see what you are saying and it's not that I am hostile towards her or have hostile feelings, we get on really well. I think I have worded my question wrong!

OP posts:
MeanAger · 24/07/2017 17:10

More information needed I think Op. what do you mean playing happy families? What is he expecting of you that you don't want to do?

Original poster
Not0nYourNelly1984 · 24/07/2017 17:12

@moomin4071

That is exactly what I am trying to say! I love the time we spend together but I am still my own person and don't always want to do everything they do together. Some alone time, the times step daughter (sorry still learning the shorthand!) is over would be good..! Don't get me wrong Hubby and I have a great relationship and never stop each other doing what the other wants to do, but when it comes to my step daughter I feel I am made to feel bad not wanting to send ALL the time with her...
She is 10..

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 24/07/2017 17:13

Two issues. One you don't want to be a 'family' when SD is around and secondly you want a child of your own but he doesn't want to have one with you.

So you resent him. Blah blah just dump him you obvs want different things

krustykittens · 24/07/2017 17:26

Tbh, there are times I want a break from my own kids. So they will watch a movie with their father while I read a book in another room. But we are together all the time. I don't think it is unreasonable for him to ask you to make a lot of effort when she is there. I suppose it is about finding a balance. I can also understand you being very upset that he won't start a family with you when you clearly want a child of your own. But these are two separate issues and NOTHING to do with your DSD, so shouldn't affect how you behave around her. If you really want a child, you can't be with this man, he has made his feelings clear. I am sorry.

swingofthings · 24/07/2017 17:41

Why does he expect you to spend every minute with the two of them? Is it because he wants to pretend that things are exactly the same than if she was your DD too? Or is it because he actually find occupying his daughter tedious and want to share the effort with you, or even leave you to lead the dynamics?

How does your SD feel? Would she rather you spend all your time with her, or would she actually rather also have some time with her dad without you? Most SC would rather that.

Stick to your gun and tell your OH that he needs to question why he should feel frustrated that you don't want to spend all your time with the two of them.

Wdigin2this · 26/07/2017 14:06

Swing may have a point, maybe he finds entertaining a 10 year old difficult, and it's easier when you're involved as well....sort of spreading the load!
Anyway, whatever it is, you have a right to opt out occasionally, without him getting uppity about it. I think I'd be planning a lunch with friends etc next time SD is visiting, if she's there for the weekend, a couple of hours away would be a break for you, and shouldn't prove too much for him.
With regards to you wanting a child, and him not.....didn't you discuss this before getting married?!

sweetbitter · 26/07/2017 15:36

I hate the expression 'playing happy families' and it's not actually clear what you mean by it.

If he wants you to be nice and try to forge a good relationship with his daughter even though it doesn't come naturally to you, HINBU.

If he thinks you should actually love her as if she was your own child and have the same responsibilities towards her as a mother, HIBU.

It's about balance.

Original poster
Not0nYourNelly1984 · 26/07/2017 16:51

@swingofthings I think it is more because he finds it hard to entertain her as she isn't the easiest to do this for! We try everything and SD still doesn't want to do anything. Take her to a park, she sits there, asks if she wants to go to a theme park, no! Even taking her on holiday doesn't excite her!

The 'having a family' ourselves, we did discuss before we got married, but you know what men are like, always changing their minds! It's not even that part that frustrates me (as I change my mind too, hence why we aren't trying) it's more of the SD issue.

@sweetbitter - sorry I don't know what HINBU means, but we do have a good relationship (SD and I) it's just I find it hard to act like she is actually mine, when she isn't. I think this is unfair of hubby to expect this - and yes, we have spoken about it and he does understand (for a few weeks then goes back to 'forgetting'!

Thanks for all your comments. All taken on board.

OP posts:
sweetbitter · 26/07/2017 17:48

Sorry, HIBU = he is being unreasonable
HINBU = he is not being unreasonable

How long have you been with your husband/seeing his daughter regularly? In my experience it gets easier the longer I do it, fake it til you make it worked for me. But your husband needs to get that you don't and can't feel the same way towards her as he does, and your role is different. You need a bit of time to yourself.

Original poster
Not0nYourNelly1984 · 26/07/2017 17:57

We have been together 7.5 years and I have been seeing her about 6.5 years regularly.. I tell him that but men just aren't wired the same with some things! Thanks

OP posts:
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