WWYD

[pinyata]

bit of background as to not drip feed DP has a son who is 13 coming on 14. He stays with us every weekend and often pops in for a visit during the week we live near and he comes (mostly at dinner time) and goes as he please. We have been together for 3 years and DP contact with ex has decreased more and more every year where now most arrangements are done via his son as he is now old enough to decide which night he stays depending on what's happening with activities and socially and if Ex is doing something or We are doing something it's worked around it's a pretty fluid arrangement.

I have my stepson on Facebook and was up very late one night 2 weekends ago after a couple of vino's and seen that stepson had been tagged in a photograph which he is holding a bottle of alcohol the tag was swiftly removed within minutes however I had managed to grab a screenshot. Next time my stepson was staying with us I advised him that I had seen the picture and we had a chat about the dangerous of alcohol ect and he promised this was the first and last time (however am sure I told my parents the same thing) I advised him that he had to tell one of his parents and that it would be better for him coming clean than me telling on him so to speak. He didn't tell his Dad as after we had the discussion his dad came home with other family members to visit bus said he would come round next day and do it

He went home that night and sent me a message paragraphs long saying that there is a camp next week and if he tells his mum or dad they won't let him go as punishment (he is right his dad will definitely ground him and he will lose this privilege) and begging me not to tell

Am so torn I don't want him to lose his camp place and he was begging me but I don't particularly want to be keeping secrets from his parents if I was in Ex position and found out I would be livid and the idea of lying to DP makes me feel terrible.

So wwyd ?

Oh God, I have no idea. Would you be able to tell his dad and still persuade his dad to let him go? I don't like the idea of effectively lying to your partner but if his dad (or mum) goes off the deep end then they'll build resentment and he'll end up being sneaky.

I don't think he'll go off the deep but my DP is very much you do time for the crime

I might be able to talk DP round to letting him go and maybe punishment starting after camp though am not 100% as Ex might still stop him going.

Holding a bottle of alcohol is hardly a serious offence? Denying a child a trip away for doing so is a bit OTT

He wasn't just holding it he admitted that he had been drinking with his friends that night

Insisted this was the first time he has done this (however am not told old to remember telling my own mum the same)

I see it as part of growing up. He's going to do it regardless of whether he's punished or not. It's better you all know about it at least, so being less do the crime fir your time may encourage honesty

If you really feel your DP will ban him from the trip, I'd be tempted to tell him after. Such a tricky situation for you to be in

Tell his parents, you can't win here. If you don't say anything and he ends up drinking and getting caught out at camp it will some how come back to bite you on the bum!

I would keep to yourself. It is between you and him. You saw something his parents haven't and they would be none the wiser.

Maybe he is right and it will be a one off, so why not agree not to say anything (you win his trust which could be very valuable later in life) but say that any suspicion that he has done it again and you will tell his dad immediately yourself.

I think I would have to tell my DP what I knew as if this was my son I would want to know.

I might tell him after the trip though and say I was thinking about what best to do. Only if you can be reassured though he won't be drinking at camp.

The worst situation would be he does it again and ends up with alcohol poisoning or in trouble and you could have prevented it

Helped prevent sorry

Solution I have came up with would be to tell DP that son came clean to me and that we have had a chat about alcohol ect (which we did have) and not to take away his camp as he confided in me. Won't mention photo on social media.

Am nearly 100% sure that DP won't take camp away if I persuade him not too but I will leave it up to DP if he wants to inform Ex I have no idea if she will take camp away

If he's a good kid, leave it. It's not the end of the world and most kids try alcohol in their teen years.

You really would be better off being completely honest. For all you know that picture could have been the tip of a huge ice burg. I would be really unimpressed if another adult found out something like this about one of my children and didn't tell me.

His parents are the ones that should decide about the camp. If it was your friends child would you tell them?

I reckon your plan sounds like a good one OP.