A bit lost and sad

[woolystockings]

Not sure what has brought me to post this except i dont feel i can talk to or ask advice from anyone in my life.

Its rather long so apologies in advance for that. Maybe just writing it out will help me.

Im in a relationship of two years we were planning on moving in together soon, we generally get on great, have similar interests, same wacky sence of humour and i thought we were very much in love.. We both have one child each of the same age from previous relationships. During my single time i guess i babied my 9yr old ds letting him sleep beside me and not making him do chores and now i have made a rod for my own back as on the nights i have him and want to spend time with my partner i have to lie with ds until he falls asleep which can take hours at times. This all came to a head recently as my partner has told me he is unhappy about this. I understand im also unhappy but cant seem to fix it. Not only is he unhappy about that he also criticised other aspects of my parenting more or less said my ds was ungrateful and that he dosent listen or do as he is told. I have always treated ds as i would any other human whether adult or child with the right to free speech and allowed him to question if he is asked to do something eg help me bring in the shopping he may ask why? and i would explain that there was lots to carry and i need his help to get it done. So now if he says why when partner asks him to do something its thought of as cheek. Partner says im not supporting him as he has came to me with these problems and i am being defensive instead of working to sort them. Partner also thinks a lot of worldly goods and gets upset about spills etc. I dont share this view they are just belongings, people are more important to me. I dont critisise his parenting i would never do that although there are times i have thought i wouldnt do that. I guess we have different parenting styles and values. He has suggested to me i take away privileges like tv if he wont go to sleep at night within a reasonable time. I gave in to this and now we are having a day of no childrens programmes which ds was initially upset about but then accepted without to much fuss. Maybe he is right and i am messing everything up but looking to the future now i am suddenly feeling worried about staying together being on edge incase ds is cheeky or spills something especially as we are planning on halfing in for new carpets throughout. Even something as simple as asking for a juice without a please or thank you is now becoming a moaning match. Sometimes he just forgets i know he should always be saying it but now im sitting with my heart in my mouth thinking say please, say please. Its quite stressful. I dont want ds to be a little soldier having to conform and jump to attention although i am well aware i have things to work on but i have created these problems its not ds fault. I was really looking forward to moving in together we have lots of plans for the future, home improvements, saving for holidays etc maybe marriage but suddenly im thinking is this really a good idea or will i be living on edge all the time.

I guess i was nieve to think such a huge step could be without adjustment or some stressors.

If anyone has been through anything similar or even if they have not and have some advice i would be glad to receive it.

So you have different parenting styles but you end up changing to suit him? Doesn't seem fair. You should be able to discipline your child how you see fit, as long as he's not running wild / totally spoilt. How do other people comment on your son's behaviour?

What would happen if you turn to your partner and talk this through. Your child, your parenting.

No one has ever criticised me before on this and i guess both me and his dad have similar styles although when he stays at dad's he goes to bed alone but with his tablet which i dont agree with but i dont say anything as that works for him. He also has pets there to keep him company in his room. I think this has came to a head now as ds dad now works away for weeks at a time where before ds was splitting the week between two homes. Partner says he wants to work through these issues but right now i am feeling hurt and attacked and unsure what to make of it all.

I've got to be honest it would annoy me if a 9yo behaved like that and I probably would (and have!) Commented on my step child's behaviour and my dps parenting.

He may be your child but I think by living together your dp should have some authority but you're his parent so you should have final say.

If you don't want to change your parenting style or don't want your dps input I don't think it's a good idea to live together at all.

I personally think 9 is too old to not be able to go to bed alone, but all children are different.

He's 9.

He's more than old enough to be saying please/thank you - that's not being a soldier.

He's more than old enough to be left at bedtime - read to him and then leave

He's more than old enough to understand the difference between asking/questioning somethings and being cheeky /answering back when asked to help by an adult.

Yes it's your fault for allowing this behaviour. And your son hasn't learnt that he isn't one of the adults in the home. Change things now before he's a teen otherwise I envision more problems than this.

I'll just cut to the chase. This won't work itself out over time. If anything, it will get worse. Picture a life of walking on eggshells and subtle bullying which, over the years, will hurt you and your DS. Having more children won't soften or change your partner's approach to your son. Is your partner wrong in wanting to set boundaries and uphold the value of good manners? No. Not at all. But it's in the way we approach teaching children that counts. Control and confrontation obliterate any lessons taught. No one responds well to being bullied into being what someone else expects them to be.

The fact that your partner is starting out on such a footing is not a good sign.

Too many people think that handing out discipline makes them an instant success as a parent. Your DS is not a thing to be put in a box and taken out on your partner's watch.

Look at your partner's relationship with his own parents. How was he raised?

Discipline. Too often we forget that the word disciple, a follower or pupil of a leader/teacher, comes from this word. We see discipline as something heavy-handed and authoritarian. Your DS should be learning good qualities by example from your partner.

I speak from experience.

I'm sorry OP but I don't think it is going to work. Having significant different parenting approach is a deal breaker, at least if you are going to live together, especially when they are children of the same age on both sides.

I agree with you that everyone is entitled to raise their kids as they see fit and they are no right or wrong way as long as the outcome is the same, ie. they turn into respectful independent adults.

However, I have to be honest and say that I wouldn't be able to share my life with someone with your approach to parenting. It would drive me mad, highly frustrate me and ultimately, impact on how I felt about you.

I think you need to have a serious talk and decide whether you should stay together but agree to continue to each live in your own place, whether you should start to consider compromises and see whether either of you could live with them, or decide that neither of these are likely to work and agree to just move on before it gets more serious.

subtle bullying

Who is bullying?

I think ops dp probably just wants the 9yo to stop behaving and being treated like a 3yo. I didn't get any hint of bullying from anything op said.

9 is too old to be 'coddled', perhaps. But your DS will absolutely outgrow this on his own. The thing is, your partner will likely continue his approach. Wait until your DS is a teen. This isn't going to go away. I think you're facing an incredibly tough decision.

Thanks for everyones advice. I agree that i have made mistakes i am well aware of my failings as a parent. I am now wanting to make the changes necessary but it will be gradual as i have caused this learned behaviour and it will take time to fix. I think what i am struggling with is i am feeling someone has came in and told me off, pointed out my flaws whether rightly or wrongly. I was my own boss and made decisions sometimes wrong ones but they were mine to make and now someone is taking some of that control from me and im unexpectantly having issues with that.

Losing some of the control is part of moving in with another person though, isn't it? I think it's how it's done that's important though. If your DS getting things 'wrong' is going to lead to sulks and attitude from your partner then that's no way to live... But you've acknowledged yourself that some change might be a good thing.

My thoughts are: if you are going to blend a family you have to be able to discuss these things and agree on joint standards, for want of a better word. If you can't jointly have these discussions in a respectful and supportive way then you can't blend the kids. It will make you miserable and harm ds's self esteem.

Ideally the adults should be able to talk things through and agree an overall approach, then you'd get the dc's involved in deciding 'house rules'.

For this to work, you can't be the only one to change how you do things by the way. You have to agree jointly what's important, how to handle it, and what battles to pick.

?If you have differing parenting styles it is inevitable that you will disagree on things. These boards are littered with posts from OP's whose partners don't parent their children in the same way and posters are quick enough to point out that they need to reach agreement but that the parenting style of the partner must be wrong and must be dealt with. This is no different.

I'll be honest, a child who refuses to go to bed alone and who questions why he's being asked to do something by an adult isn't the kind of child I would be very tolerant of, and even if you decide to end this relationship you really need to start coming down hard on this behaviour now or you are setting yourself up for real issues when he's a teenager and instead of asking why is telling you to f* off. Because he will if you have brought him up as a mini adult.

Yeah i guess its down to me making necessary changes even for my own sanity as im not happy with things. Thanks everyone things are more in prespective now.

You've only been together to years so still plenty of time to make a bigger commitment. I agree that you should make the changes and doing so gradually. Your DS needs to see these are coming from you and not to please your partner so if you really wantto make it work do not mice in with him until you've already implemented some changes and these have been accepted by your boy.

I have a 9 year old I think your dp is absolutely right in what he's saying you have taught your DS to be reliant on you and be disrespectful to question adults. Your there to parent and guide him in his journey to adulthood not be his friend and treat him on the same level you would as an adult. He's not 2 he doesn't require you in bed with him to fall asleep. That's ridiculous. You need to cut the apron strings and fast especially as he will be approaching senior school in the next two years. I'm shocked at pp criticising your op he's is absolutely right in what he's saying this isn't normal behaviour for a 9 year old especially considering he has a child of the same age! Sound like he likes to rule the household.

He is well old enough to go to bed without you staying with him, for fuck sake he is nine, also should be saying please and thank you, he sounds like a cheeky brat

These changes need to come from you not your partner. Don't move him in yet, make the changes you think are necessary and see where rhe relationship goes. Doesn't sound okay for you to br worried or on eggshells around your partner. Thats worrying

OP it does sound like you have perhaps had some difficulties setting boundaries with your ds. He needs them. But don't feel you have to swing the other way and start dishing out illogical punishments as your dp seems to support. You can still treat him with respect whilst being firm & confident. He deserves the same respect as any adult yes, but as others have said - he is not your peer and he needs guidance.

I moved in with my DP after 2 years. We had significantly different approaches to parenting and also to things like money management and diet etc. We were hopelessly in love and a bit blind to it all. 10 month later we separated our houses and scaled right back to the beginning. Still love him to bits but no more rose tinted glasses.

We are committed to a future together, and still spend 50% of our time together. Our kids have been in each others lives since babyhood and see each other as siblings regardless of how much time they are together which is a blessing. What's working for us now is talking through the major issues in great depth one at a time. Some with the help of a counsellor, others by ourselves. Bit by bit we are getting to know each other properly, not just the bits we fell in love with.

The plus side is that we are working on the defensiveness you are experiencing. I had been a single parent from pregnancy - never coparented. He had been by himself for a long time too. So it was a distant memory. It's hard to compromise, and it's hard to feel judged but it's necessary to accept that you are two different people and that's ok.

For me it's about finding the firm but fair zone and accepting we express that differently. My mum and dad were poles apart in their approach too - but as long as they were both fair and the expectations were generally agreed, it didn't matter. I know hardly any couples who parent in a similar way (and I work with families in my day job. I see a lot of couples parenting together). You can be different and still respect each other. But you have to communicate your differences respectfully. Is he doing that right now?

Find out how you both imagine your house will run. Not just the fun stuff. The boring stuff. The bills, the food shop, the financial management. Who will MOT the car? Who will load the laundry? Do you care if he does things differently to you in other areas? Being the lone parent is tough but you have also been queen of your castle. Giving some ground won't be easy (I know!!). The biggest question is whether you both want togetherness enough to get comfortable with what is currently uncomfortable.

Me and DP do want it, but 50/50 sharing our home is as good as it's going to get for now. And maybe that's ok! Modern families are not 2.4 kids with a mum and a dad. Make your life and your home(s) work for you all and screw what it 'should' be like. Happiness doesn't have a particular face. It's all the worry and expectations we try to fulfil that screw us up IMO. Take your time. For all your sakes. And don't be afraid to rewind if you need to. It's awkward and painful, yes. But better than flogging each other into the ground.