Jealousy issues - any help appreciated

[89KAE]

Me and my partner have been together 5 years. Living together for a year following the news of myself becoming pregnant.

My partner has a son (now 5) who he has had full custody of since a baby. The mother has had nothing to do with the son since then for various reasons. I am therefor trying to take on the role of mum.

Our baby was not planned but a happy surprise nonetheless. Since the birth of the baby the older son has been unbearably jealous. So much so that I had previously considered leaving. It has been six months now and he's still overbearing. I still can't change a nappy without it triggering the older son to start saying he needs something or wants a cuddle. Again when I pick the baby up if crying, our older sons all over me. The baby had colic for 13 weeks and would scream all day unless being bounced in a carrier. However this meant that the older son would constantly need a cuddle. I do love both of them and when the baby is napping I spend time and do things with the older son however nothing ever seems to be enough.

The summer holidays have now arrived and during the previous school breaks this year I have had to take the baby upstairs to give him any sort of attention. I don't want to hurt our older boys feelings but I really am at my wits end.

Given my partners previous circumstances he still lived at home with his family for childcare to enable him to work full time. Whilst this handy financially unfortunately it led to our older boy being babied and v spoilt. For obvious reasons he struggling not being centre of attention anymore.

Just wondered whether anyone else has experienced a similar thing and if you have any tips.

I'm mummy to both boys but I'm finding it difficult to find the want to continue the mum role
to our older boy when it feels like he's trying to stop me from doing the things I need to do with the baby.

I had spoken to my health visitor about this when the baby was about 7 weeks and she said if things haven't improved by the time the baby is 6 months and you're still feeling the same you should leave. Not very helpful. I don't want to run away from the situation, I'm just desperate for some advice on how to resolve/ improve the situation.

Many thanks in advance for any advice !!

No experience from the perspective of being a SM, but from a mum who had two babies with horrendous colic and a partner not very present due to work and little support.

Colic is absolutely horrendous and few people truly understand what it is like to look after a colicky baby unless they've experienced it themselves.

In my case, my eldest who'd been a lovely toddler turned into a nightmare after I had her brother, mainly because indeed, not only she had to accept sharing attention, but what she had left was a stressed and shattered mum. It was a big shock to her to have to adjust to.

It does get better and I think the trigger for it is when they realise that this little being can actually be fun. Make sure you include your eldest in looking after your baby and talk to him in a way that it doesn't come across that it is your baby but also his brother.

Whatever you do, don't judge his behaviour from the perspective of him being a step-child. It might feel like it to you when things get difficult but it won't to him. He knows no different.

Be patient, don't let guilt get to you, do your best, don't brew resentment, just take it one day at a time and it really will get easier. Talk to your OH so he knows your struggling and discuss what he can do to help more. Good luck.

Genuine question - what would you do if the oldest was your biological son.

Thank you for your response. Very helpful.

In response to your question saiman, I truly don't have the experience of that and can only assume now that I am struggling more because I don't have the bilogical connection that would maybe make it more tolerable. Right or wrong that's how it is. I can only persevere and wait for things to get better

He is just a little boy at 5 just acting out his feelings that he cant verbalise . Be kind

It's all very hard in the beginning and you need more support. I have a son who was nearly 5 when the baby born and he was hard work. The five year old will remember this - the baby won't. If the baby is fussing and you're sorting out something for the older boy say "I'll be there in a moment I'm doing x for your brother." Just saying it and causing a delay of ten seconds will matter to the older boy. He will get the message that he still counts. Get into a routine so the five year old has expectations. Even if that means the five year old is only given the iPad when you tend the baby. Make it positive for him. He's not spoiled. He's five. If you want to facilitate a good sibling bond then you're going to have to dig deep to make the baby a positive for him. Let him help you by fetching a packet of wipes and then tell everyone with ears what an amazing big brother he is for helping you with the baby. You're going to have to make it a self fulfilling prophecy. The more you think of him as a problem and in your way the more he will be. He has no skills of his own to sort this out. He is not magically going to get better.

The other tactic to try is special time. Every day for fifteen minutes give the baby to someone else. Set the timer and tell the older boy you are all his. You will play whatever he wants to play for that 15 minutes. It will help him connect to you and feel more secure and less likely to need a cuddle every five minutes during the day.

You can leave but you will leave a trail of hurt behind you. And this boy will always be your child's biological half-brother. Can you send the five year old to camp for part of the day? Take all the help you can get from everyone and anyone. I've had two reflux/colic babies. It's soul crushing. Hang in there.

When DS was five we he dd he was excately the same extremely over bearing with everyone including the baby. He just wants reassurance and understanding his place in the family. Could your dp set some time to do stuff one to one? It will get better honestly.

Well would a health advisor recommend you leave in 6 months if the 5 year old doesnt change? If he was yours?

You say twice you are a mother to the older son. But then you dont feel like you are.

This boy has been abandoned by his mother and had another woman come into his life as a mother figure. She moves in and again quickly a new baby arrives and the mother figure (to the 5 year old his mother) wants time alone with her new baby and seems to get more and more annoyed with him.

He is a five year old who cant explain how he feels.

I havr 2 kids. Both me and dh soent time alone with both after the youngest came along. One would do something with the oldest and the other the baby. But when one parent was at work neither kids got alone time.

Do you spend anytime with the oldest? Without the baby?

It seems like you arent happy being tge oldests mother now the baby is here and distancing yourself. The 5 year old will pick up on it. The further out he feels pushed, the more he will cling.

Your baby will be 5 one day and probably just as frustrating in his own way.

I think you need to really think about the relationship with the 5 year old. It doesnt sound like you are happy being his mother, but keep insisting you are. The expression 'piss or get off the pot' comes to mind.

To be clear i am not judging you. Step families are bloody hard work. The emotions etc involved make it so difficult to get right.

But i think you need to decide. Are you the oldests mum or not?

I had spoken to my health visitor about this when the baby was about 7 weeks and she said if things haven't improved by the time the baby is 6 months and you're still feeling the same you should leave.

Thank you Pickledplums. Very helpful although I do get him to do all the helpful things as and when he wants to but he usually moans about having to do it. Every time the baby naps me and the eldest paint or I attempt to help him with a game he's playing. He get a good couple hours a day with me. When the baby is awake we sit on the floor with the baby toys and try to all play together. It just never seems enough. I don't get enough support because dad works 11 hours a day 6 days a week. When I say he was spoilt, he truly was. Making slow improvement on that. He struggles socially at school because of it. Love him dearly but he cried when I suggested a summer camp funday thing.

His grandparents will only ever really have him over night and I don't need help then. For certain reasons he's better off and home and because he can be so rude and demanding i struggle to get anyone too have him for long. I also don't want to send him away I want him home with me. I just didn't Think the jealousy would last this long. It started 2 months prior to me having the baby. He would try and get in between me and my baby nephew (like physically between). I'm main carer as dads at work. Although even when he's home it's still Mummy lol (which is nice don't get me wrong!)

I guess it's just baby steps. I'm hoping the 6 week holidays will be a blessing and maybe make him feel more secure? We have days planned just me, him and the baby and dad will be home end of the holiday.

Everyone's words have helped! Thank you x

I would suggest that as best you can you put DS1 first and letter the baby slot in... DS1 must be feeling very uneasy and would have been imagining ,while he was at school ,all the things that you were potentially doing with his brother and without him.
He is bound to be feeing jealous, it is normal. If you and OH are a partnerships hen DS1 is your child and his needs must be met. The baby knows no different and can tag along after all he has not n stop entertainment from his older brother

Thank you. I understand what you are saying. I appreciate jealousy is normal however I wasn't expecting it to last this long. I do treat them equally and I've done more with DS1 in the last year than he's ever done previously. We started a martial arts class, swimming lessons, I'm teaching him to ride his bike and take him out every opportunity on weekends/holidays. If anything I've overcompensated as I was warned how jealous he would be. Considering the baby has been so difficult, in respect of having colic, this has changed very little (apart from maybe the odd day where the baby's colic was so bad that I
Rescheduled days etc)

I've taken pics and videos of the things that I have done with the baby (such as baby sensory) etc so that DS1 could watch them after school (unfortunately these things only seem to run during term time otherwise he would be tagging along)

I think I do overpanic the baby, he is very clingy to me and seems to need constant stimulation. It's hard to concentrate on DS1 when the baby is screaming.

I had no children a year ago and so I guess I'm struggling to juggle the two of them