Possible step mum

[NMDee]

Hi... i may be jumping the gun but i'm a little scared.

My boyfriend and I have waited 7 months for a baby to be born that could potentially be his.
The paternity test results will likely be next week and with how serious we have been with our relationship (and waiting for this day to come as she gave birth this morning) it has been very clear my role will be step mum... if actual mum allows me to be involved.

I have just hit 27 and never thought the possibility of being a step mother would arise when I have not had children myself yet... and i'm wondering if I even can with issues I have had for the last year and a half.

Again... may be too soon to panic but the dates lead me to believe this is happening... i'm obviously panicking regardless.

What i'm getting at is... i'm worried I won't be able to deal with a newborn and i'm talking just holding him... given it is killing me that a situation I feel I should have had with my boyfriend for the first time is about to happen for him but not with me.

Has anyone had something similar...? I don't specifically know what I am asking or looking for but this is already more of a struggle than I thought it would be and i've had 7 months to prepare for this.
But then how can you prepare for something when you are initially waiting for confirmation that this will or will not be a part of your life.

I've held on to the hope it won't be his but I really think it is.... do mothers and the father's partner ever get on?

Apologies... think i'm just having a bit of a wobbly.
Anything at all... advice or stories that relate would help.

Thanks

Hi, firstly it's normal to be worried. I became a step mum at 28 when I married my DH and it is scary. But to be honest I wouldn't worry about doing newborn things, the chances are the babies mum is not going to want to be away from her baby for any length of time for a while. It's also normal for you to hope the baby isn't your partners, but if the results are that he is the father you have to decide if you want to do this or not for however long you are together.

Also there are plenty of parents that get on very well with step parents, especially in your situation when the mum has known about you all along and you are In a relationship with the babies Dad before they have even been born.

This is clearly an unusual situation and you haven't shared much background details. How long have you been with your OH? Did you get together after he was with her or did he cheat on you? Is he in contact with her and has it been agreed already that he would have regular contact?

You mention DNA so surely this will be the first stage before even considering this child in his, let alone your life. Will she agree to it, will he have to go to court to request it. Does she want him to be in the life of the child?

Regardless of the above, even if somehow the relationship is amicable, it is highly likely that she won't be happy to hand over the baby to him, let alone you as soon as it's born, and when she does, she will be doing so with him, not you. He will need to learn to bond with the child, so the best you can do is to step away and let him do that. The child will need to bond with two parents, not three or more.

The test has been done and results are likely Tuesday or Wednesday but given the dates I'm preparing more for it being his.

2 months into us seeing eachother he said he didn't know if he was wanting something serious.
I didn't know they had slept with eachother but we sorted things... she called him the day before xmas eve saying she was pregnant with his child having already at the start of the month told him she was pregnant but it was someone elses.
Problem is... he has kept it quiet we stayed together thinking it would make things smoother in the wait for the test.
So yes... I guess it would be a while before she comes round to me being involved... not sure when he will let her know the situation.

She has been difficult up to now... she is his little sisters best friend. Was.. as it has obviously caused their familes tension as their familes have been friends a long time.
Also she is 21 years old... my boyfriend is 31.

I'm trying to handle it maturely and respectfully but my personal emotions get in the way which is why i'm having a bit of a meltdown.
I guess all I can do it see how it goes but i'm praying I can get past it so it doesn't drive a wedge between us.

you are 27. there are plenty more fish in the sea. run and don't look back. what sort of human shags their siblings friends without protection?! or at all in fact! this man will bring too much drama to your life.

I think I'd run for the hills on this one. I can't believe she doesn't even know about you yet, how exactly will your boyfriend spring g that on her?

There is no time in your life that you are so vulnerable than being a new mum. It could easily be 6/12 months before you are anywhere near this child.

Doesn't sound great, sorry.

In the first couple of months into a relationship with you an adult male sleeps with a girl so much younger, worse, a friend of his sister. I may be naive but I don't get how that could happen.

You say he didn't want to be serious but that doesn't mean instantly shagging someone else, particularly with family ties like that. There must be some history there.

He doesn't sound very nice to me. Or certainly doesn't care about you enough. You've plenty of time to find someone who does love you.

I think you are racing way ahead imagining holding a newborn and playing stepmum to a tiny baby I'm guessing it's your boyfriend's baby. Is there actually anyone else in the frame or is that just your boyfriend trying to worm out of his responsibilities? I would be taking a long critical look at your boyfriend, if I were you, and wondering why he is in my life at all.

Based on your update, I'd run. The drama is only likely to get worse.
You have a choice whether to be miserable with him or happy without

The child will need to bond with two parents, not three or more.

For the most part I agree with PPs that this man has made some pretty stupid life choices, and that at 27 and less than a year in I'd walk away now. Too much drama.

However, the nonsense about 'a child needs precisely two parents!' is stupid. Some of the loveliest families I know have had 3 or 4 involved parents from the outset. There is no reason a baby can't build an important relationship with more than two adults from birth onwards.

Thanks guys... yeh it is all so messy.

He has done everything he can so for for him being the dad. The mum has said to the other guy he won't be involved if it is his and he agreed.

I guess I need to remember I can walk away at any time... but I have to see how things go or i'll wonder what might have happened.

Results tomorrow 😕

Presuming the baby is his, a lot will depend on whether he and the baby's mum are able to be amicable with each other. Its so much easier if you are all prepared to support each other a bit, put the child first, co operate and work together to share care in a way that works for everybody, communicate effectively about parenting stuff as the child moves between households. If you end up with a situation where there's distrust and rancour and someone totally unwilling to compromise or co operate or playing stupid games with the child in the middle, you're in for a really rough ride.

The fact that he hasn't told the baby's mother that he's in a relationship with you doesn't bode well to be honest. It seems to be starting things off on totally the wrong foot.

...and I meant to say, as stepmum you can't really create the co parenting relationship or decide that you're all going to be sensible and work together and accept each other. The willingness to do that has to come from the parents, you can slot into it if it's there to start with but probably won't get very far if the mother feels duped and angry he didn't tell her about you and lashes out by saying she doesn't want you to ever be there when your BF has contact, or if your BF tries to insist on overnights straight away even though it's not appropriate with a newborn and gets her back up or or any of the million things that can cause issues and arguments between separated parents.

Nmd what were the results?

Still waiting... today has to be the last day for it.
Every day has felt sooo long!

Must be very difficult with not knowing and difficult to prepare for a 'maybe' situation, hope you feel better when you have an answer and you can both act on that accordingly

It's not his... jumping the gun was an understatement but also completely didn't think that would happen.

Thanks for the comments and advice regardless 💛💛 xx

Run for the hills, sorry just seen your post & as a step mum I strongly recommend that you don't get involved, you will absolutely regret it if you don't maybe not at first but in the long run

Your boyfriend is not responsible enough by the sounds of it. This is his responsibility, not yours. You haven't caught a good fish, if you had you wouldn't have these doubts. Leave him. Live your life how you choose