Help me decide who is right

[bamummy2]

It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow, DH is supposed to pick DSD up from school and take her swimming. He does this most weeks and has one day eow. We live a fair drive away so on a school night there isn't enough time to bring SD back home.

Anyway, my parents have offered to babysit our two which is a very rare treat so that we can go for a nice meal. I'm pregnant and was really looking forward to a night off.

DH says he can't change plans as SD is expecting him (This was talked about on Monday, so although short notice enough time to tell everyone!) I never really ask DH to change plans unless it's something big. He hasn't changed plans in ages. He has gone off on one about how little time he gets with his daughter and that I am unreasonable to ask to change it.

What would you expect to happen in this situation? AIBU?

It's not healthy for any relationship where one partner has to give constantly, ending up feeling resentful, to feel you will never get anything back

He Is right,his children come before an adult.

Just seen....10 years. I can see why you want to celebrate

It's perhaps been left too late though

Seriously TwoDots a man being there for his daughter and stepping up to the plate to be part of her life is "taking" from the OP who is throwing her toys out of the pram because she can't celebrate on the exact day she wants to!

So his explanation to his daughter goes along the lines of what: Sorry DD I can't take you to your regular event because your stepmum is being a princess!

That's not what I've said at all. I've given a very balanced view from all sides. Not sure why you're getting so defensive and argumentative

I've not once criticised her DH and said I understand his point too

So his explanation to his daughter goes along the lines of what: Sorry DD I can't take you to your regular event because your stepmum is being a princess!

If the dd was ops child as well nobody would even be having this conversation.

But if you're a sensible reasonable human being you'd say "dd I'm sorry I cannot take you to your regular event this once, but me and your stepmuk are celebrating our 10 year anniversary which obviously will only happen once but we will return to your regular activity next week and I will see you -whatever day- instead of regular activity day this week"

I really don't see the big issue. It's one day. Her activity happens every week. There will only be one 10 year anniversary.

Spot on Phoenix

You explain things. It's a special anniversary and you make it up to DD

I'm not saying that should happen now at short notice, but there's really nothing wrong with that on an occasional basis.

He has a commitment to dsd - well done him putting her first. Completely agree with him. The message his dc will get if he cancels is that you are more important than his dc - you are not / should not be.

This whole post was completely unnecessary because DH has just phoned DSD and she has made plans already anyway!

I'm glad your DH sees time with his DD as so important. The fact he doesn't get to see her like this every week and it isn't set in stone just shows how awful it must be for him and her not to see each other much.

I know you want a special night but you can plan something another night, maybe hire a babysitter or plan something at home when your children are asleep.

Please don't try to stop your DH and DSD form seeing each other, imagine if you couldn't see your children every day/ most of the time and how that would feel.

It works all round then. Glad it sorted

Spectacular X post, sorry.

OP this is the problem with drop feeding not everyobe will read it all. I think he could have seen DSD a different night as the night is not set, but it's too late now to cancel. Your DH is BU to not have planned sooner. Have a night out yourself.

Of course you would have loved a night off with your DH. It's hard being a step mum and having to put other peoples children before your own wishes.

But you DH will really appreciate you not making a big deal out of it at this moment in time - what else might you like to do to celebrate your anniversary instead?

oops! not read the last few posts!

Yay! go celebrate.

Hope you have a nice night op

Oh for gods sake! The OP wanted one, ONE, night with her DH & she's being crucified! Any kid who can't take ONE isolated incident of disappointment from a parent is being taught entitlement!
OP clearly stated that access is not the same day every week & that dsd often changes her own plans & cancels. So what, OP is supposed to be constantly flexible & never request any access day changes though dsd does so regularly???
It would be completely different if access day was set in stone & if dh wasn't working all weekend but that's not the case!

Magda, that's the world I've been thinking of but couldn't think of it....entitlement.

Spot on

Having read your further posts and seen that it's really hard to get any babysitting or time out with your dh, if I was in that position I would push dh to go out that night. As others have said it's give and take, and in this instance i would expect dh to be able to have a conversation with his 12 year old daughter that on this occasion he needs to prioritise his wife.

Glad you will be getting the time to celebrate x

Totally with Magda on this one, you are not being unreasonable but I think your husband is. If you had arranged to go out on a whim, that's one thing but this is your wedding anniversary, a bloody important occasion!!! If he can not sacrifice a few hours with his DD to spend some much needed time alone with you then it's a pretty poor show. I am sorry for you that he appears to place so little importance on it. I hope you go out.

I do think it's fine to cancel DSD in the context of what you've described - you are pregnant and this may be one of the few occasions before the baby is born you can go out

• it's your wedding anniversary - only once a year
• you have a last minute opportunity of babysitting that doesn't seem to happen very often
• your DSD has cancelled herself for lesser reasons - it's not a 100% always arrangement
• it's difficult to reschedule.

I don't subscribe to the 'never ever put your wife first before your kids' view. It's all a balance. If this is the only time this year you are asking for him to not meet his daughter, then I don't think it's unreasonable. He could always make it up to her the next time.

It sounds like the opportunity to go out only came up because your parents offered to babysit on Monday. If they hadn't you wouldn't have been able to do so. Would you have got cross with them and your kids for preventing you to go out? Or is it a case of ok to be annoyed when it's your SC?

It's fortunate that in the end everyone is prepared to be flexible as assume SC will be looked after by her mum?