Help me decide who is right

[bamummy2]

It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow, DH is supposed to pick DSD up from school and take her swimming. He does this most weeks and has one day eow. We live a fair drive away so on a school night there isn't enough time to bring SD back home.

Anyway, my parents have offered to babysit our two which is a very rare treat so that we can go for a nice meal. I'm pregnant and was really looking forward to a night off.

DH says he can't change plans as SD is expecting him (This was talked about on Monday, so although short notice enough time to tell everyone!) I never really ask DH to change plans unless it's something big. He hasn't changed plans in ages. He has gone off on one about how little time he gets with his daughter and that I am unreasonable to ask to change it.

What would you expect to happen in this situation? AIBU?

Sorry OP but DSC come first, time with them is limited as it is so everything else has to be planned around that. Put yourself in OH's position for a minute and imagine how it feels to only see your child a couple of times a week, it's bloody hard!

My DSC are grown up now but I've been in their lives since they were 2 and 4 respectively, I knew when I met DH that his kids were his priority and tbh I love him all the more because of it. I've always seen my role as being to make his relationship with them easier so have never put obstacles in the way of contact and that's as it should be.

They know they always came first and they're both really close to DH (and to me and our DD) now they're adults, they're 18 and 20 and still come for tea twice a week. Your OH is trying to be a good dad and show his DD that she's important to him, that definitely trumps an anniversary, sorry OP.

Why don't your parents look after all three once DH and his DD are home from swimming?

Could you go to the swimming with them, then go for a nice meal on your way back home?

However you are being completely unreasonable expecting him to cancel it

@ purple that's a lovely idea. OP could you go swimming with them and then go for a meal?

Also, by your posts title " help me decide who is right" - have you taken word of the MN Jury and worked out you were wrong?

DH may need an apology :-(

DSD lives an hour and a half away. So DH has to leave for school pick up before pick up for our son. Not possible to do both on the week days. He takes DSD for tea after swimming and doesn't get home till later so that's why we obviously wouldn't make a meal out.

It's not a set in stone thing every Thursday. My DH works shifts so most weeks he will try and do one after school pick up but it doesn't always happen and it is a bit hit and miss if DSD wants to do it or not. If it was his actual court ordered time I wouldn't ask to change it but these are kind of extra nights that they both either choose or not. Suppose it's hard to understand it when writing it down.

I will just take it as IABU and leave it as it is.

The thing is, the message it sends is clear even if sometimes DSD decides not to go. The message it sends is that he wants to go out with you rather than with her.

My DS hasn't stayed at eXH's for a weekend since last March, but he does stay there during the week. Recently it was eXH's SD's birthday and they were all going to a restaurant on the day which happened to be a day that DS had told them he would be staying there. EXH first told him that he would have to ask his DP whether he could go, and then he back-tracked and sent DS a message saying that the SD had wanted it to be just her and her friend and so DS couldn't come. The message couldn't be clearer if he'd tried. In fact I rarely get involved in these things but this is one occasion when I called him and said that the message he is sending is that his SD takes priority over DS, and then he's surprised that DS doesn't want to stay there?

He is the adult and she is the child. He needs to put her first. There are other nights you can go out. It's just a day, not actually that important in the scheme of things.

You shouldn't be competing or asking your DH to choose like that - YABU. I also think the idea of going too is a good one - but only if DSD is happy with that. She doesn't see enough of her dad to have to give up her 1-1 time with him.

Swiss- I can't go too as someone needs to pick up my son! Plus the 3 hour round trip is too much for my lo's mid week!

OP, it's a shame that a rare opportunity of a babysitter falls on your anniversary but also a day that your DH is unavailable. I get that it's disappointing. But try not to let him think you begrudge the DSD's swimming, even if she cancels. I'm afraid you are coming across as resentful, even while saying that you get you are BU.

Can you try to find someone you'd be happy to babysit another time? A parent at your DS's school? An agency?

You must be pretty frazzled with 2 tots and pregnant and a DSD (any more DSC?). I don't think anyone saying you don't deserve a night out with your DH. But just not at the expense of his DD.

Is there any way you could go out for lunch together instead?

Your parents can look after all three and give them tea, rather than DH taking her out for tea after swimming?

Sorry to say YABU. My daughter may say to her Dad she is busy or wants to do something the night she usually sees him. However if he says he wants to go out instead she would say 'ok' to him, come off the phone and be gutted. Me and my DP purposely do not plan things on days she is at her dads so she does not need to make that choice. Infact we have been invited out as a family on days she is at her dads and we decline the offer so she doesnt feel left out. To ask or feel like your DH should take u out for an evening instead of seeing his DD is quite unreasonable. Sorry - this seems really harsh, but the reality of it is his Dd will and should always trump you and your anniversary.
I really dont mean this to sound as bitchy as it does. So sorry if it offends in anyway 💕

Sonic- DSD is too far away and so understandably not allowed back to ours on a school night. DH is at work tomorrrow (his work is slightly closer to SD) hence why he tries to pick her up on a day he's working to save travel time.

I get all your responses. The only two options are to cancel this once and go for dinner together or DH sticks to plans. Obviously everyone thinks I am being completely unreasonable and so will not ask to change the plans and will just leave it.

I haven't celebrated anything on the actual day for nearly 5 years. Comes with having step kids. Unfortunately you will never be the most important or top of the list, chances are this will go for your child too unfortunately.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in wanting a night together though, or wanting it on dds day to be honest.

I just feel a bit sorry for the DSD, that her time with her father is considered so unimportant.

You married a man with a family. YABU

I wouldn't say that because op wants one night to herself with her husband that she considers dds time unimportant. It's one evening.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a one off night off, your not making out that DSD is unimportant. I'm sure if a special occasion for DSD fell on a non contact night then you would be expected to be flexible then.

Thanks Phoenix 😊 I really am surprised it's only one person that agrees with me though 🙈

We very much value the time we get to spend with DSD. We moved away from all our family and friends to be nearer to SD so we could have 50/50 custody. So that's why we have little help with babysitting etc. SD's mum then decided to move an hour and a half in the other direction!!

They have an extremely blended family which DH and I have always tried to encourage and respect so that is the reason as to why there is so little contact. We all agreed with SD that it's better for her to get a chance to see all her brothers and sisters then longer periods with one or the other.

We have a good relationship with SD but naturally as she gets older she is less bothered about the contact as long as she sees everyone regularly. I'm not sure why it seems as though I don't care about her time and am an evil step mum for asking to change one plan so we get the very rare chance to go out but that seems to be the majority vote!!

I understand how you feel, going out to celebrate your anniversary on another day then that one seems a bit pointless.

However, I don't understand why you are cross with your OH. You know that he picks her up every Thursdays so that this would be an issue. Surely if it means so much to you, why didn't you arrange it sooner? Maybe if you'd talked about it two weeks ago (or even longer) he could have asked his wife as a one off to change the day that week.

Expecting to let people down only 2 days before is not nice and for that, your OH was right to say no.

This is such a tricky one

I think everyone's needs should be considered in a blended family. OP, you probably feel you have made sacrifices and been flexible for years. Sounds like you haven't asked for much back, and you've been hit with a rare opportunity and you feel flexibility doesn't work both ways. I completely understand why you want a date night with DH. I don't think you're being unreasonable for wanting that and asking for change on just one occasion.

I also can see what everyone else is saying, that this could hurt DSC and as she doesn't see her dad much, this should come first. That said, I do believe flexibility is a good lesson for children. They have to learn they are not the centre of the universe, but are loved and cherished as much as the next family member.

I honestly don't know what to suggest. I'd feel uncomfortable asking this if my partner and I'd ask him to think of another way for us to get a regular date night. I also know my partner would want to make me feel just as important as another family member, and would look for flexibility and give his daughter the tools to understand this

I hope it works out for you. It's five and take on all sides

Give and take

I think this is the thing though for step parents there is an awful lot of give and not very much take, if at all.

Thanks two dots, I think that's exactly what I was trying to get at and why I was slightly annoyed at DH. I have spent 10 years (tomorrow) giving and taking and made a lot of sacrifices along the way. I didn't think I was that bad for asking this once!

No you're not bad at all. Just because you're a step parent, it doesn't mean you go the rest of your life giving and giving and never asking for anything back.

You are only human and I can understand how you feel. I can understand all sides. One of the many challenges of blended families

My partner would swap things around and talk it through with his daughter. My parents were the same growing up. They explained everything to me and made it up in other ways. They gave me the tools to understand everyone's needs in the family. I never felt like the most important person in the world but I felt valued, trusted, and loved.

I'm very much for routine and consistency now in our blended family. This is mostly as my partners ex is all over the place and a little too flexible. I think asking for change a couple of times a year is ok though.