trouble when collecting step kids

[boobyooby]

To help out both sides I have been collecting both my stepchildren and bringing them home before DH comes in from work once a week, helps get homework out of the way and we then can enjoy dinner together (I have a child that is mine too) and isn't such a rush to get ready for bed etc.

This week when I collected, EW husband answered the door and was really quite intimidating and questioning me and although he wasn't shouting was quite loud and bullyish towards me (to not drip feed there has been a disagreement over holiday dates booked by EW between EW and my H recently) .... EW had her back turned the whole time in the hallway and didn't say a word. Kids came out of the front door to get into my car and the EW husband then slammed the door so hard I was surprised it didn't come off it's hinges!! He is a big guy and does fill a doorway, I'm only 5'4" and so is a good foot taller than me.

I'm hoping my face wasn't too red, was very shaky and sick and managed to not cry until I got home and was in the kitchen on my own.

I'm now dreading collection on Friday as I know he will be there again, I really can't cope with the stress or feel like I even want to see him to the point I have told my husband I don't want to do collection anymore, and really not this Friday!

I've only got 4 collections left to do before kids break up and we go on our summer holidays but I really want to change back to the EW dropping off as from September soI don't have this issue again. I keep welling up in the office overthinking it all, although I haven't said anything so probably just look moody and quiet. The Husband has been warned by the police several years ago for following me to my workplace and turning up at my house out of the blue, although he didn't knock but was spotted loitering by my neighbours and my daughter saw and was told to not come near me unless it was related to the children. He has since been OK enough to pass pleasantries although we have never had a conversation.

Help, I feel pathetic for being so upset (and was too scared to post in AIBU in case I was told to "man-up") :(

He sounds like a complete psycho! What the fuck is his issue and why is he behaving so awfully towards you? Of course you're upset, you're being threatened and intimidated when you're doing your best for the kids and saving all the other adults a job.

What has your husband said about it? I'd be pulling the plug on doing lifts as of now. Not a chance I'd be going back there. And if he's a half decent man he'll agree completely that you shouldn't have to. You poor thing, I'm livid for you.

Thanks AnnelovesGilbert. Thought I might have been overthinking as no one had replied.

Ex wife will go mad if we try and change Fridays collection time though ... husband can not physically leave workplace to do collection until he has finished his day as covering for annual leave this week so feel like I'm stuck in a hard place (and I'd already said to youngest we could bake a chocolate cake, she's that age that she won't have forgotten!!)

Then ex wife needs to speak to her husband if she doesn't want things to change

Can you take someone with you when you go (large male relative?)

She might not like it and it's a real shame if the kids miss out but she shouldn't have let her wanker husband abuse you! You've been going above and beyond to facilitate the DCs contact with you and your partner and you've been treated appallingly for your efforts. I doubt he or she will apologise but I wouldn't be putting myself out for them or in that situation again. It's not good for the DC to be around that sort of thing either.

What has your DP said about it? Mine would be spitting racks if anyone spoke to me like that.

She can go as nutty as she likes. If you do it again you're saying you're no better than being treated badly and it won't improve.

You're a much more forgiving woman that I to even be civil to someone who's been so creepy you had to involve the police. Sounds awful.

I do struggle to say no & feel like I'm not assertive enough to stop finding myself in situations I don't want to be in. Mostly because I want the children to not miss out just because their Dad lives with me and my children (my husband still has very vivid memories of his own Dad just not turning up on a Friday night and how it made him feel so we do try our hardest to not let anything get in the way of his contact). Husband had years of being manipulated by EW when he left her about a year before we met and she was always telling him what he could and couldn't do .... I think he's currently got his head in the sand over it all.

Half of me wants to see if there is a local PCSO that could be there too as I don't have anyone that could come with me although I do have a tape recorder thingy I could have in my bag ..... kids just a tad too young to come out and meet me at car and I don't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing I'm "scared"

It's time for him to pull his head out of the sand. I know how difficult it is and my DH ex is a right piece of work. It's taken him a long time to realise he has a right to look after his own wellbeing and not just tow the line. And the kids haven't suffered, they just have a much happier dad and two more peaceful households.

Think about what you'd say if a friend of yours was in this situation. You have every right to a peaceful life without the stress of bullying and harassment. Please take a second to step back and think about how it sounds that you want a police officer to be there so it doesn't kick off. That's sheer madness.

The kids will still see their dad. Let someone else do pick up or drop off. I know you're both trying your best for the DC and their weekends. Due to a change of plan outside of your control they might be with you a bit later for the next few weeks. You can still bake a cake, but it might be the day after.

How is you being stressed and upset good for anyone or worth it, so ex and her goon husband get their way and your partner gets to keep out of it?

Gilbert's a lucky boy he has you

I'll talk to DH again tonight (after our nightly fix of Love Island, ha ha). It makes it worse as my ex-h is a complete arse, doesn't turn up for my 2 regularly but thanks to MN, not only did I leave the bastard (now I've realised I left a EA marriage) I've learnt "not my monkeys, not my circus" and "no is a complete sentence" .... I just can't deal with his EW and her sh8t too, I do just want what's best for those kids. Oh and swearing like a sailor is cathartic too when required, especially if there's no coffee

I'm great at giving advice, i should listen to my own advice more really and bloody do it for myself!!

So what is EW doesn't like it - tough! Don't go around and collect them. Full stop. If they want you to have them she can drop them off to you instead with no drama. Or have your husband collect them later.

You'll get some kickback at saying this to your husband at first (he can sort this out) - but unless you draw a line in the sand you are letting yourself be open to this in the future.

They have abused your good nature, no way in hell would I be doing the pick up again. She can scream as much as she likes. You can still have a lovely time with your DSC when they are at yours OP. Let your H deal with it, if he has bad memories of his own Dad not turning up then he won't let that happen to his own kids, but not at your expense

OP how did it go this friday?

Decided I wasn't going to be bullied, and the only way to deal with them is to not let them know they've got under your skin so I carried on (after 2 coffees and a pack of sweets filled by a snickers bar )

He wasn't there, EW nice as pie to me!!!

Pleased it went better OP. Xx

Sounds like she has an abusive H. Perhaps that is why she couldn't look at you...