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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Children's mum won't give address

26 replies

Gezzagirl · 11/07/2017 10:10

My dsc mum moved to be closer to their school as she used to live 30 mins away, we have a 50/50 care agreement they are 12 and 13. Their mum loves her children but unfortunately she always has been unstable sometimes wants her dc and then doesn't. She has a history of abandoning them and causing trouble. We know she is in a lot of debt etc and wondering if this is why she won't give her address out. My dp has asked her but she just ignores him, then he had to fill out a school form and it needed the mums address. The dc claimed they didn't know, but they looked uncomfortable and went a bit red so dp didn't push them as it's not their fault. Eventually their mum gave an address of her boss said that's where she's registered 😳. It just feels wrong the dcs are told to lie and she won't give their dad the address or the school. It's horrible seeing the dcs lieing to their dad even though it's not their fault but they shouldn't be put in that position. What do people think of this, should dp push his ex for her address or just leave it?

OP posts:

Alexkate2468 · 11/07/2017 10:14

I wouldn't push the children but I would wonder what else is going on here. Is she not at a permanent address? At a hostel/refuge And trying to hide it? I'd want to know an address and also what is going on. It may be nothing, but you never know.

JuicyNectarine · 11/07/2017 10:20

Respect her privacy.

The children are not being kept from contact, they obviously know the address so if there is a form needing completed for school give it to them with the address blank and ask them to complete when they hand it in.

There must be more to this story.

Patriciathestripper1 · 11/07/2017 10:21

Where does he pick them up when they stay?
I find that weird and there must be some reason.
Has he turned up unannounced in the past?
Or hassled her?
What happens if they are staying with you and need something from home?
Perhaps she has a new partner she dosnt want him to see thats moved in?

Original poster

Gezzagirl · 11/07/2017 10:24

No she's not in a hostel or anything, she had a company that went bust, she has always had debt issues and fraud issues and a lot of people have been after her, she's also going through a divorce with someone else, one of his family did anonymously phone my dp a few months ago trying to get information, address, phone no, car she's driving but dp didn't give them any info as he wants to protect his dcs but really feels he should know their address but we both know we can't push the children it's not fair on them, but it is a worry !

OP posts:

Original poster

Gezzagirl · 11/07/2017 10:30

He doesn't pick them up she either drops them here, or we pick them up from school or they meet somewhere. The dcs aren't even allowed friends around there because their mum is so paranoid about anyone knowing their address, and no my dp has never turned up at previous addresses unannounced or threatening or anything like that, however that has happened the other way around, she has turned up unannounced here, caused trouble actually been in the house when one of her children was off school for the day and we were at work. You wouldn't believe the things she did that day and other times, but we have had to let that go so as not to upset the children!

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bunningsbunny · 11/07/2017 10:31

Is there a nice teacher at the school that could talk to them and make them understand how important it is that somebody needs to have their address (either school or dad as a starting point) in case there are problems, that you only need it in case there is an emergency, you're not going to do anything else with it or dob their mum in to anyone or anything else they maybe worried about, but that it's wrong that they need to hide their address.

Not ideal but at least it would be a start and there would be a known place where it was in an emergency.

Original poster

Gezzagirl · 11/07/2017 10:37

There is a teacher one of them talks to at the school they're at at the moment but they finish there in 2 weeks. I'm not sure the children should be pushed by anyone though I think it should be down to their mum, but what can you do if she won't give it to dp! He finds it frustrating, she keeps moving around every 6 months to a year but he's always had their address.

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AvoidingCallenetics · 11/07/2017 10:39

I think your dp does have a right to know where his children live for the 50% of the time that they are not with him. It's not about invading her privacy but what if there was some kind of emergency and he needed to get them or contact their mum. Given her difficulties, I'd want to know that my kids were living somewhere safe and decent. I'd be worried about her stbx h or debt collectors turning up. I'd want them with me 100% of the time if she wasn't willing to share fundamental info about my own children, and where they live is pretty fundamental.
Not sure where he stands legally though, but I would certainly press for that information if thry were my kids.

Natsku · 11/07/2017 10:44

Could it be that there's an issue with the person she is divorcing now and that's why she's keeping the address secret out of fear it gets back to him?

Original poster

Gezzagirl · 11/07/2017 10:45

Yeh, I know and it was only a year ago she was pushing to have them all the time, but as my dp has been the one who has had them most of the time as sometimes she hasn't been able to have them 50% of the time and we've had to have them more and even before he met me and was on his own he's been the main carer. It did go to court and he got it writing for it to stay 50/50 and what days were as she was messing everyone about. Then she moved and she doesn't want them more now and seems to have this secret life. It's been a constant battle for dp I think he's just not sure if it's best just to leave it, but even the school don't know.

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Original poster

Gezzagirl · 11/07/2017 10:48

Natsku, yeh that's definitely part of it, but not because he's abusive or anything but she also owes a lot of money to his family and they are after I think, but don't know the details. This woman has been up to a lot, but she's still the mother of the children so maybe we need to protect her to protect the children but still really dp should know her address.

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Natsku · 11/07/2017 10:58

Your DH should try and convince her that he won't give out her address to her ex then but that he needs to know in case of emergency. Isn't it possible to find out some way through some official route as the children spend so much time there? (don't know if it is but just an idea)

Original poster

Gezzagirl · 11/07/2017 11:08

I actually don't know if there is, would courts, solicitors take that seriously?

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Natsku · 11/07/2017 11:31

I've been out of the UK too long to know how it works over there but where I live now its easy to find out someone's address if you have their phone number (provided its not a PAYG phone) or other identifying information (I looked into hiding my address from my DD's dad but because he is abusive so good reason)

Patriciathestripper1 · 11/07/2017 12:54

Bortow a freinds car pop on a wig and glasses and follow her home. Or
Use tracker on dc mobile phone to pinpoint area.
She can't live that far from school.
You need to know the address.

Patriciathestripper1 · 11/07/2017 12:54

'Borrow'

JuicyNectarine · 11/07/2017 13:04

I cannot believe posters are advising stalking on mn.

Harassing your partner's ex is a serious matter op and if you behave that way then realise that she would have very good reason to keep her address private.

As long as you have a phone number or email address to contact the children's mother then you have no need of their address and should try to ask amicably but also respect the response you get.

Original poster

Gezzagirl · 11/07/2017 13:33

Well I find the stalking posts quite funny actually but no I don't want to get personally involved, it's up to dp to pursue it if he wants to, I'm just amazed she can live like that, she's always changing her mob number and email address etc always moving around to escape one mess after another. I'm appalled she's put her dcs in that position. TBH though it was my children's dad refusing to give me his address I would feel reluctant to let them go! But my ex wouldn't do that, so these things are never an issue for me, but I would hate it if my dcs were told to lie to me, I would find that very hard to swallow.

OP posts:

Justhadmyhaircut · 11/07/2017 13:35

When I moved during a child contact case the judge deemed exh had the right to know where his dc would be half the week. .

Original poster

Gezzagirl · 11/07/2017 14:03

That's interesting justhadmyhaircut thank you

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greendale17 · 11/07/2017 14:10

I agree that the father has a right to know where his children are living.

Makes you wonder what she is hiding

bunningsbunny · 11/07/2017 14:18

Would the teacher be willing to hold the address in case of emergency - even in a sealed envelope in the girl's file - and for you dh to have the teacher's number?

Not ideal but might be a start.

Do either of the girls have snapchat on their phone - could you use the new stalking map mode to see if you can pin down their address that way they wouldn't have had to break their promise to their mum to tell you but you would be able to work it out pretty closely to know the address or at least an 'almost address'...

ginnystonic · 11/07/2017 14:27

I think your DH is fully entitled to know where his children are living 50% of the time.

Could you track the DC's phones (find my phone app) or...follow her home one day?

CrowyMcCrowFace · 11/07/2017 14:34

I also relocated - abroad in my case - & part of the court agreement was that I notified my ex of our address. It was very specific - I had a set number of days to inform him (accommodation provided with job so didn't know address myself in advance).

In fact, when we then moved within the same compound, ex got unpleasant because I hadn't 'officially notified' him; having overheard one of the dc on the phone saying 'oh yeah dad, we're moving to a different villa, it's number X', it didn't occur to me I needed to put it in writing.

Checked with solicitor when discussing something else, & his advice was always to be punctilious about keeping ex posted about our whereabouts, or he could claim I was breaching original court agreement. There was no reason for me to withhold it BTW - I just didn't think beyond 'oh dc have kept him informed'!

So I suspect if your dp wanted to insist on having this information, he would have a good chance legally, if you would be prepared to go down that route. Certainly I was told that for my ex to know where his dc were living was reasonable, & my responsibility to keep him posted - which I have no quarrel with.

Original poster

Gezzagirl · 11/07/2017 14:41

We did check the snapchat map but their mum very cleverly put them on ghost mode so that's out too. I think it's up to dp then, I know he doesn't like to push her on things as she gets angry and then causes trouble, we've been to court already about things she's done, I'm not sure he could be bothered again just seems so wrong

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