Another bedrooms one...

[msevs]

We live in a four bedroom house and have 3 year old DD and 10 month old DD living with us, DSD (16) stays over EOW and DSS (14) also stays EOW and one weeknight. When we moved in almost five years ago, DSD was given the biggest bedroom as she had to share back at her mum's and DSS had his own room there. She has since moved in with her grandparents and has her own room. When she does come over EOW, she is only here for one night as she also has a sleepover at her friend's house normally. When DD1 was born, she was given the smallest room. This has been fine for her, but it means that all her toys are all over the house, in the kitchen and living room and I am getting a bit fed up of it to be honest as it is a real mess.

There is tons of storage room in DSD's bedroom which she uses to keep her old toys. She doesn't keep anything else here such as clothes, toiletries etc. When I was pregnant with DD2, DP discussed with DSD that the two youngest would need to share a room and as DD1's room is too small, they would need to share her bedroom and that she could move into DD1's room. She was fine with this initially, but after DD2 was born, DP again discussed it with her and she said that she was under the impression that it would not happen until she went to university. DP has privately told me that he isn't sure she will even go to university, but even if she does that is still two years away and DD2 will be almost three years old.

I am currently off on maternity leave but only have a month and a half left, and before returning to work I wanted to paint and set up the room and move the two youngest in so that they could get used to sharing a room.

However, DP will not even discuss this with DSD. I have told him my reasons and he just wants to delay it, when I told him I wanted to get it all set up before going back to work full-time he told me that I would have to do all the work, despite the fact that he will also be off work for a large amount over the summer and could help out. The problem is, I can't even get it started if he refuses to discuss it with DSD. I understand why it's awkward for DP, and obviously she doesn't want to move into a smaller room, but I can see no other way around it unless DD2 stays with us in our room until she is 3. I could understand if DSD was here more often and actually kept some belongings here but she doesn't, so unsure why she is so reluctant to move as she doesn't really need the space. I don't really know why I'm posting this here, I suppose I just want to vent as I feel so frustrated about it.

If dsd was both your dd then neither of you would have any problem in telling her she has to take the smaller room.
My ds (20) has been told his room is being given to dd (11) as he is only home at weekends and it has the ensuite (dd only girl). He totally gets it though a bit grumbly.
I think you're being perfectly reasonable and it's yet another example of a non resident child being allowed rule the roost even if it's not her intent. Really don't mean that on a harsh way. Your Dp needs to fully explain to her that it's only fair she now take the smaller room.

Sorry - should really amend that to child ruling the roost - not just step!

Thanks Magda72, yes I suspect you're right. That's probably why I feel so powerless and frustrated as I feel it needs to come from DP and not me, yet he spent the afternoon with her yesterday, took her out shopping and for dinner which was the perfect time for him to discuss it with her yet he didn't, nor do I think he will either. Not really sure where to go from here.

She is very fortunate to have her own room. Of course she should accept that she needs to move to the smaller room. Your DP owes you an explanation as to why he is reluctant to have this conversation with her.

I think he is reluctant because she made it clear last time that she felt it shouldn't happen until she is at university. He knows she won't be happy about it and doesn't want to upset the status quo. That's my take on it anyway. I too think that DSD will still have her own room so it's not that bad, but clearly he doesn't agree.

If they were full siblings then you'd have to warn her that she'd be sharing with the toddler if she didn't move out.

You're not unreasonable to want the larger room for 2 kids to share. Your h is totally unreasonable not to ask dsd to move out the room.

So she only spends 1 night in the bedroom every other weekend?
She can't be that precious that she can't see the sense in downsizing.
Just sit her down and tell her and let her choose her own decorations/bedding etc..
It's madness to keep the room empty when the two small dc could be settled in there.

Can you work out why he won't discuss rooms with her? I wonder if there is something deeper that is stopping him. Guilt because she lives with her grandparents rather than with either of her parents?

Would it not be a better solution long term to put your step-children together in a room together and each of your DDs have one? Would DSC or mumsnetters take offense?

It is, after all, where your children will live versus DSC sleeping there EOW, and I don't suppose your DDs will want to share forever, thus avoiding another change of rooms in a few years.

Your house. Your rules.

She should be told the plan.

Her needs don't outweigh your other dc. .
Disney dad needs to grow a pair. . .

Somerville I think there is guilt there. DP told me last year that DSD had asked if she could move in with us temporarily as she didn't get much peace and quiet at her mum's house due to younger siblings and she needed space to study for her GCSEs. DP had reminded her that she wouldn't get much peace and quiet here either due to DD1, and DD2 was on the way as well, so it was up to her to decide. DSD then decided to move in with her grandparents, which is close to her mum's house so she still goes there all the time, but yes I can see why he would feel guilty about not being able to offer her the space that she wanted due to our DDs, and now being moved to a smaller bedroom as well.

It's difficult on one hand, but on the other hand I can see no other option and I do think it's ridiculous that DD2 may have to stay in our bedroom until she is 3 years old and to have the house overrun with toys when there is a large room that is unoccupied most of the time. It's frustrating.

TyrionLannisterforKing I know that DP nor the DSC would be happy with that, especially DSS as he often brings his girlfriend over so I can't see how it would work to have him share a room with DSD unfortunately. I think DP fears that they would just stop coming over to stay at all if they're not happy with their rooms.

OP - tbh it could be that she was actually asking to live with you & her dad
& the lack of peace & quiet in her mums was just an excuse. Is it possible she took her dads perceived hesitation as rejection & is now digging her heels in?
I wonder what would happen if you offered to have her permanently but in the smaller room?

Tell him to grow up and speak to her.
25 yrs on - I cam home from my first term at Uni -to find my brother had moved into my room without discussion and I was moved into his bedroom.
Fine in principle but not fine that it was not discussed with me - still rankles now.

Then came families and because it is his old room - come Xmas, family get togethers etc hisDCS go in his old room, he and his P in "his/my old" room, sister gets her old room for her lot and I and mine get the sofa downstairs.

It pisses me off - everytime now.
Petty but tell him to grow a pair and talk to her.

You have 14yo DSS having overnights with his GF? Good luck with that one...

You just need to make it clear to dsd when she is round in front of her dad that she will be moving. It makes sense and your two girls need the room more. Agree with other poster, Disney dad needs to grow a pair but if he won't then tell your dsd yourself and just change it around.

We're about to have the same situation with DSD (16) she's here a max of 1 night EOW but OH is reluctant to tell her that we're giving DSS the bigger room at the new house. Multiple reasons, but mostly economics. He spends more time with us and she will be here less and less in the next few years. That and she has the biggest room at every other one of her 3 houses.

It all comes down to this. "When you can pay the mortgage it's your house. Until then it's mine and your Dad's house and your home and we need to do what's best for everyone". Your OH needs to grow a pair and sort it. Think of it on a use per square footage scale. Your younger ones will get more use of more square footage. Explain it in that way and nobody is losing out.

We're mapping it out to her on the basis that each overnight stay is calculated for everyone and space afforded accordingly. After that there's no way to argue

You're absolutely right and I agree that if DP won't tackle if you have every right to. He's being completely daft about it. He has 4 children and you all share the home so the only sensible solution is to have a shuffle round now. If she was there full time it would still make the most sense, so for one night every 14 it's madness to leave things as they are.

Has he actually come out and said he wants DD2 to be in with you for years and years to come? If so can he explain why that's a sensible plan?

I'm one of four and we chopped and changed several times at mum's and shared a single room and the living room sofa at dad's after they split. No option as they were both totally skint! Did we grow up scarred for life and resentful and feeling unloved? Of course we bloody didn't. We're all very close and adore our mum, dad and stepmum.

Magda72 Yes I did think that. The main attraction to her here is that a lot of her friends live in our town and I think DP was wary about her spending most of the time at her friends' houses instead of studying, as she tends to be out all the time even on contact weekends. We know that she's here in town on non-contact weekends as well as we have seen here out and about and she often asks DP for a lift home on Sundays, so she clearly has sleepovers. DSD also finds DD1 and DD2 quite testing, I think, she has complained to DP that they make too much noise in the mornings and DD1 is always coming to her room asking her to play. She has also complained about her siblings on her mum's side so think she just wanted to live somewhere with no younger kids getting on her nerves!

SteppingonToes No DSS's girlfriend doesn't stay overnight, but she does come over quite often when he's here and they spend a lot of time in his bedroom. I can't say I approve, especially when DP is working late and they are both up in his room with the door closed while I'm downstairs with our two kids, but as DP allows it I suppose I haven't a choice. As she is here so much, I doubt DSD would be happy about sharing a room with DSS, or vice versa.

AnnLovesGilbert DP hasn't said anything about DD2 staying in our room for years, but he has a tendency to put his head in the sand, especially with matters concerning the DSC.

Thanks all for your comments. I will discuss with DP again over the weekend.

If he won't tell dsd that she needs to move rooms then you'll have to. It's her home too but she also has another home where she spends most of her time. When it comes to bedrooms the dcs who have to share/are there most often should get the biggest room.

We had a similar problem when we moved in to our home, dsd was used to having a big room to herself but here dsd has the smallest bedroom while dd1 and dd2 have the biggest as they have to share. Dsd wasn't happy but dh told her that it wasn't fair for dd1 and 2 to be squashed into the small room while the big double bedroom was empty all week while she wasn't here.

No way should a big room stand empty most of the time while your dd is in a small room with no space for her toys and the baby/toddler is in your room.