How much do you do for your step-child????

[Dreams]

I was just wondering how people felt about being a step-parent and how much people actually do for there step-son/daughter?

Hi Dreams - I have a DD and a DsD of roughly the same age. I would like to think I do exactly the same for both.
But it is quite hard sometimes being a Step mum - especially taking a back seat and acknowledging that I am not the natural Mum, when really I am absolutely convinced that my way is right

My dp is my ds's step dad, he does everything, treats him as close to his own as he can, supports him as I am sahm with our little dd, ds is aged 10.
He is amazing, ds has a daddy too so he really lucky...

everything ... I have two dss's from my dh's first marriage, his wife died when the children were babies. I bring them up as my own but openly as their stepmother, everyone around here knows I am not their natural mother... although TBH they've never known any different as they were too young to remember their real mum

I understand all of you doing what you do and if i was in that situation i would do the same!

my situation is different and i am finding it quite hard!

just wondered if anyone else was in the same boat as me?

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My situation is the other way round galaxy He lives with his mother and we only get to see him in school holidays ! I can cope with him he just thinks his dad owes him everything ! It seems to be getting a bit out of control!
We also have our own son so it is hard as mmy partner son is always asking why our son can live with us and he cant!
We would have him here but his mother wont let him!

He can be very sweet natured and a lovely little boy but thats only about 30% of the time most of the time its you WILL get me this, or i WANT that, or i WONT do that....etc etc.
He goes to bed crying every night cause he does not want to go when he is told!

I just feel we are fighting a losing battle anyone else feel like this.

I know where the problem steems from he has no boundarys at home and no rules so is allowed to do what he likes. myself and partner believe in disciplin and rules and he does not like that.

Its always been the same for 3 years ans soem times i sit back and wonder why i stand for it. At the end of the day i am not his mother so i cant make him change anything he does not want to.

I think also cause he has one thing with us and another with her its very hard for him to undewrstand whats wrong and whats right.

We have just come back from taking him on holiday with us but unfortunatly he ruined it with his constant bad behaviour. I felt a bit upset about it as we had saved for the holiday for about 8 months and i was really looking forward to going but by day 2 i wanted to be back at home.
It was a holiday for all of us but he believed the holiday was just for him and revolved around everything he said and wanted to do.
So must of the time our own son has to take a back seat! Which i can handle for now but not when he gets older !

What would you do in this situtaion?

How old is your step-son, Galaxy?

Same question to you Dreams - how old is your step-son?

sorry galaxy my question should have been to dreams

Dp has DD and he does everything that a normal dad would do - last night he got in and picked her up from childminders, then they cleaned out the rabbit and did some writing practice and then he gave her a bath and read her a story and put her to bed (I was throwing up at the time), far more than her natural father ever did when we were together - he saw his role as the bread winner and mine as the mother and so had very little to do with DD in the general sense of everyday routine.

Dream - I would have to say that you need to speak to DS tell him that his mother will not allow him to come and stay with you and his behaviour does not really make you want him to come and live with you.

He is also I feel at an age where he can understand that there are certai rules at hime and certain rules when he is with you and his father and I don;t really blame him for thinking the world should revolve around him at least some of the time if he sees his father so rarely - its just striking a balance I guess.

Helloooo Dreams

I'm a stepmum to 2 DS's, aged 12 & 10. DH and I also have a DD together who is 23 months old. We have the DS's 50/60 % of the time, it depends on what week we have them. For instance Week1 we have them Weds 3pm through to Saturday 5pm, and Week2 we have them Weds 3pm until we drop them off at school on Fri morning, and we get them back at Sat 5pm until we drop them at school on Monday morning. We alternate wk1 & wk2.

Because I play such a regular role in their lives I am very actively involved. I'm a SAHM so I collect DS2 from school, DS2 is at high school across town and I currently can't drive so DS goes to his Mum's after school (she lives 2 mins walk from his school) and DH collects him after work. DH and I attend both boys parents evenings where we can (not always possible due to DD). I'm the one who helps them with their homework, particularly DS2 who is dyslexic, makes sure they have clean school uniforms etc. I also play an active role in discipline etc and have done since day 1, obv I don't hit them or anything !

In fact I see more of them than their father, due to his full time work. TBH I consider them 'my boys', and if anyone asks me how many kids I have I always reply '3'. I agree that it can be a bit difficult to bite my tongue if DH is allowing something I disagree with, I have to learn though as too often I've got into a silly row about it where DH pulls rank on me .

I'll admit to sometimes feeling like DH takes what I do for the boys for granted, on my darker days. But the majority of the time it's really not an issue. It really helps that the boys and I get on very well, I love them and I'm pretty sure they love me too, there's also that respect there too which goes a long way !

He is 7 years old. I can understand what everyone is saying. Most of the time this is not a big issue for me i am ok but like someone said i do have my darker days and i feel that no one appriciates what i do for him as after all he is not my child i am just a part of his life as i am with his dad.

I am also the main role in his life when he comes to stay as his dad works full time and i only work part time so most of the time its me entertaining etc etc.

No one ever asks is it ok if you have for two weeks in this holiday or 3 weeks here they just expect and i do work part time so i have to find someone to have him while i work or not go in.

I could go on and on for ages but i think i will just leave it here and carry on doing what i already do i cant see anything else i can do about the situation.

Sorry Draems but you knew the score when you took his father on - I feel pretty sad about the attitude you have - I grew up with a stepmother who obviously felt the same way towards me and my sister that you feel towards your stepson and I wish to god she would drop dead or at least have to live with a terribly painful illness - it is appalling growing up knowing that you are not wanted - that you are tolerated because so and so wants to be with your father.

He is in an awful position (your SS) and I feel nothing but pity for him having to grow up with any kind of rejection around him (thats what it feels like).

DP has always said from day one that DD is as much part of our relationship as I am - he knows that withouth him completely accepting her there would not be an us - its sad really but I think it is easier for men to have this type of outlook as they don;t do the main childcare when it comes to stepparenting but at the end of the day if you can;t treat him like your own child I feel terribly sad for the both of you.

I have probably been over emotive here but after all I have been through and the pain and therapy all because I grew up with my stepmother acting like she was ddoing us a great favour by acting like a sorry excuse for a mother I feel that I have a right to!!

Dreams, sorry you are having difficulties, and not enjoying what is happening.

It sounds as if you feel very put upon, and I wonder if you might feel better if you actually saw yourself as more important in your SS's life? "I am just part of his life as I am with his Dad"....do you not think he WANTS you to be more important than that? "he is not my child" - but he is your step-son! He is the little boy of the man you fell in love with - and presumably wanted everything about that man, including his son! I wonder if SS is picking up on this? I know it is very very hard to strike a balance, and I am sure you are very sensitive about not over-stepping the mark and taking over his Mum's role, but it sounds as if you put your own role down a bit. What about celebrating it more, and thinking up some special ways to be his step mum. It sounds very sad that he wants to know why his brother can live with his Dad and he can't - and very sad that he goes to bed crying every night. Is he acting up because he doesn't feel good enough to live with you and his dad so enters into that self-fulfilling prophesy thing?
I hope you can sort something out - you both sound too sad to let it go on like this!
XXX

dreams - is there anyway that you could have your stepson at the weekend more often so that he could spend more time with his dad, and the relationship he has with you and his dad would have a chance to be more stable than seeing him once every few months. also bear in mind that your average seven year old is likely to be pretty grotty at times, and it is a very stressful situation for him to be in.

Dreams - exactly the same age as my Step dd. You sound like you are in the same situation as I am - with regard to the care of the children I mean. But I feel differently to you regarding my role in the family.
We are a family unit without Step DD and a family unit with. If she stays over then I take her to school etc, on weekends her Dad plays football so I have the majority of the time with her. I never see this as something I should be thanked for -surely it should be assumed that as part of a family unit this is what happens (mind you she does make me the most wonderful cards saying thank you for doing this etc)
She also lives by 2 sets of rules. I am very strict - I don;t have jumping on the furniture, answering back or general "tone" cheek etc - I refuse to have the TV on constantly and watching video's is a treat. All this is totally different to her other home, but she understands that and at 7 I certainly did too.
I am not saying that Step Parenting is easy - but I think if you start thinking about the situation differently - start telling yourself that your step son is a friend and interact with him on that level rather than seeing him as your partner's child, then this might help.
The other thing I forgot to mention is that I love my Step DD to bits. My world would be so awful without her because she is so totally different to my DD and I make sure that I tell her that too. I think its ok to tell them off, as long as you make up for it with praise.
Probably starting to ramble now, sorry!

PS am I also allowed to say that Step DD is very spoiled at her other home and it does take her a while to adjust to our lifestyle. When my DD went round to play for the 1st time she asked StepDD's Mum if she was very rich as Step DD had everything!!!

Twinkie what you have said is very much wrong.
And no i did not know the situation i was walking into from the beginning! Long story but my dp never told me about his son till 4 months down the line and i was pregnant with his child!

I never reject him or treat him any different to my own son. I do alot for my ss and all i am saying is i find his behaviour upsetting but i would never be mean !

I do adore him and love him to bits and he knows that he loves me to bits to and i know that!
I just feel the situation could be a little easier.

We can only see him as much as we do cause we live 400 miles from him so we cant just pop over every weekend!!!

I don't like the way you have described up against a step-mum that was naty to you and you hated her twinkie cause i would never ever be like that i believe in equality and i know how much love and care myss needs from us and he does get it believe me!

All i was saying was i wish it was easier and more appriciated!

I cant say the whole situation but lets just say he has it very bad at home with his Mother!

It Really hurts me inside to see all things going on and i feel like i want to save him!

I know where his bad behaviour stems fromand so does my dp!

We are trying very hard to sort it out and hopefully it will be sorted soon.

Thanks for all your advice!

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I dont resent my ds at all! It actually is not me he plays up for its his father but obviously as we are a family and do things together as a family it effects the whole family!

I feel that this issue has totally been taken out of hand here now as people have taken it the wrong way and its not as bad as people are making it out to be. I am sorry if it came across as bad!
but please don't make me out to be a bad person !
I am only 22 ...yes your right i am only young galaxy!

My son is now 2 yrs old and he loves his big brother to bits !

Thanks Galaxy. what you have said about the food situation sounds exactly the same its funny how so many people are different obviously we cant stop what his mother allows but we can always try and help!

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