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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What happens when step-parents separate?

20 replies

NC4now · 07/07/2017 14:39

I'm guessing when it's over, it's over and there's no more contact with the kids. Clean break and all that?

Facing some really tough decisions. Whatever I do, someone gets hurt.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/07/2017 14:47

Sorry you're having a horrible time

Do you have children together or are they just his or just yours?

As with blending a family, unblending, can be done in a million different ways.

We don't have any together and I know if DH and I divorced or he died, while his two are still little, I'd never see them again and I can't bear to think about it.

Original poster

NC4now · 07/07/2017 14:53

Thanks Anne.

They are just mine. He doesn't have any of his own. Dc2 he treats as his own. Dc1 he actively dislikes (the main reason I'm even thinking about this).

For Dc1 it's better we separate, but Dc2 will be heartbroken. I can't bear to do that to him.

OP posts:

Lunar1 · 07/07/2017 14:53

If it helps I reconnected with a lovely former step mum as an adult and we are really good friends now.

I know this may not help your immediate issues. It for is it means we didn't waste those years.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/07/2017 15:02

Have you spoken about separating, does he knows it's on the cards? Would it be possible for him and DS2 to have contact after you split? If he and DS don't have much of a relationship there won't be any loss there.

If the relationship is making one of your children unhappy and you've all tried everything you can to improve things, then it sounds like it's the right thing to end it.

What happens next depends on how old the DC are.

Can you imagine DS2 seeing him with little input from you? Would this be something you're all comfortable with?

Original poster

NC4now · 07/07/2017 15:15

We've talked about separating but not the nuts and bolts. And I don't think he thinks it's really on the cards.

I don't think there's any hope of repairing the relationship with DC1, and it's hard to love someone who thinks so little of my child. I keep hoping for an epiphany, but it's not coming....

Depending where DH goes, DC2 might be able to see him on his own. I just don't know what DH would want. He's always gone for a clean break with his exes, and cut all contact, but there have never been children involved.

OP posts:

Original poster

NC4now · 07/07/2017 15:18

@lunar that's really nice to hear. Glad it's worked out for you.

OP posts:

belmontian · 07/07/2017 15:41

That sounds like a difficult situation OP. The proof will be in the pudding; if he really sees dc2 as his own he will want to maintain contact. How long have you been together and how old are the dc?

Original poster

NC4now · 07/07/2017 16:41

I don't want to say anything too identifying but we've been together since DCs were 7 and 3.
DC1 is approaching GCSEs and DC2 about to start high school. To further add to my worry, DC2 has mild autism, so I'm worried about any more upheaval while he's already coping (well, actually) with a big transition.
But DC1 needs the best shot at his GCSEs, with minimal stress at home. some stress could be reduced by him behaving a bit better

OP posts:

Rubixcubecheat · 08/07/2017 09:24

Im in a similar situation. Keep going back and forth in my mind but i know a separation is inevitable. I have one DD who is close to my partner and i worry about the impact a seperation would have on her. He has 2 DCs i have increasingly no relationship with (one of the main reasons i know things need to end). Watching thread with interest.

Magda72 · 08/07/2017 10:46

Have no advice unfortunately but it's very sad to see relationships end over dcs (am sure there's other reasons too). Speaking as the mother of a 20 yr old it is worth mentioning that dcs grown up & move on with their lives & we're the ones that get left behind so we have to be a little selfish in our relationships.
For the record I had to listen to my ds bemoaning his stepmum for years & now the sun, moon & stars shine out of her lol as he's matured and sees her as a person - not just dads partner.

MardAsSnails · 08/07/2017 10:52

I have a friend who effectively has 6 parents and step parents.

His mum and dad split when he was less than a year old, very amicably. Both parents remarried within a couple of years, so from before starting school he had 4 parents who all got on. When he was 20, his dad and step mum split, and now have both remarried. Because his step mum was in his life for so long, they still see loads of each other and he gets on great with her new husband.

What I'm trying to get at is, as long as the step parents are decent humans who really do love the child, it can work out nicely. Was a bit of an eye opener at his wedding where there were effectively 10 parents (her parents had divorced and remarried), but because they were all Decent People who wanted the best for their kids, it works for them.

SummerKelly · 08/07/2017 10:56

I still see stepkids, but then they are my DD's siblings, more than my XP does. It's all good, I'm friends with their mum too. I think the sibling relationship makes it a bit different though.

emma8t4 · 08/07/2017 10:58

My mum split from my stepdad last year, I lived with him as long as I lived with my dad and I can remember more with my stepdad. I have seen him once since and that was seeing him walking as I was driving so I pulled over to say hello. That's it, no calls, texts, cards, nothing for my son for birthday xmas etc bearing in mind the xmas before last we sell went on holiday together and I used to work for him!!

I find it really strange that he is no longer about, my stepmom does too and basically said if anything happens between her and my dad she would still want to be involved.

Maybe he wants a fresh start he is getting remarried in December, and a fully grown stepchild might ruin his streetcred!

Original poster

NC4now · 08/07/2017 11:19

That must hurt Emma.
My DS2 has only really lived with DH as I split from their dad when he was only a few months old.

OP posts:

emma8t4 · 08/07/2017 12:27

It does a bit ( even though I'm 32) and obviously I have to be careful what I say to my mum because she is very raw still. He isn't being much of a dad to my sister either, half sister is only 18.

On the other hand my hubby is still in touch with his ex step mum our ds calls her auntie as she didn't think nanna was appropriate she was around from them being 4 & 2 I think until hubby was 23/24.

Rubixcubecheat · 08/07/2017 12:37

In our case there would be no contact with my partner and my daughter. Mostly because his children, his parents and his work are all in the same area (a 50 minute drive away) and he has no other links to this area so he is unlikely to stick around. That would be it. Even though my daughter sees her dad regularly i know she's going to find it hard. There's other reasons for our issues besides the kids, another major factor is that i know i want another child, but not with him. I know our parenting styles are far too different.

Original poster

NC4now · 08/07/2017 13:13

Our issues aren't all kid related either, but it's a consideration. He's not prepared to make any effort with the relationship and we're drifting further and further apart.

OP posts:

SteppingOnToes · 10/07/2017 13:22

It's a decision I am possibly facing but fortunately quite early in the relationship - I am the SP. It's a horrible situation to be in - I cannot live with their dad but I do still love the kids (and they love me).

You need to think of your DS1 - sounds like staying would be far more damaging to him than leaving would to DS2 :(

kittybiscuits · 10/07/2017 13:29

Just something to think about. He makes no effort with the relationship - your children both need to know that it's okay to end a relationship like this. But also, a stepfather who has a really good relationship with one child and has completely written off the other, isn't necessarily a good influence on either. It sounds like you've tried really hard to think about everyone.

Identity1 · 25/07/2017 12:50

OP- what do you want to do for yourself? As ultimately you being in an unhappy relationship is not good for all 3 of you (you and DC) and they will probably pick up on this. You and your family/friends (If possible) and other support networks of necessary will help you and your children through the break up of your relationship if that's what you want. And vice versa if you want to stay together. Your DS who is close to your partner will be ok long term it may not feel like it initially but ultimately he has you.

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