Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

My step son constantly hits my daughter

23 replies

Britstone13 · 06/07/2017 01:08

My husband and i have been married for 6 years.my step son is 7 and I've been in his life since he was 1 and a half. There's no custody agreement between my husband and his ex girlfriend. There was never any dna tests done and my husband thinks he's not his, but he still pays child support and sees him whenever his ex gf allows. Recently she decided that my ss needs to come over every weekend, with a long list of rules to go along. My husband is the only one to discipline him( which i agree with. I wouldn't feel right about doing that) and if anyone says anything to him that she doesn't like, my husband will never see him again(these are just two of the rules she gave).
He was over for 4 days this past weekend and it was complete hell. We went to the store and every time we were speaking to someone he began screaming over them and running around the store. When he was asked to calm down he looked at me and said he didn't have to mind me. In the store he started hitting my 4 yr old dd.

My husband told him to stop.my husband was off from work the next 2 days and there was constant arguing over the game system( he didn't want to share so it resulted in them arguing) i sat my ss and my two older kids down and told them they are brother and sisters there's no need to argue constantly.love each other, be nice to each other.

Yes i know siblings argue. When my husband went to work and i would go to the bathroom/kitchen etc. I would hear a smacking sound then my 4yr old screaming. Everytime i came back to the room he would stare her down while i asked what's wrong.she wouldn't answer. This morning i noticed a hand print on her forearm.after her brother left she tells me he grabbed her arm squeezed it and shoved her against the wall and told her little girls are supposed to shut up and sit down. And that everytime I'd leave the room he would smack her and tell her she can't tell anyone. Now she doesnt want him to come back over and i have no clue what to do. Children learn this stuff from what they see...or atleast that's what I've always been told

OP posts:

hesterton · 06/07/2017 01:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Britstone13 · 06/07/2017 01:28

We are planning on doing one the next time he comes, which should be this friday. He already calls my husband his number 2 dad but will not say who his number 1 dad is. He says only his mom knows.

OP posts:

Getoutofthatgarden · 06/07/2017 02:06

Wow. That whole situation is messed up. How can you possibly look after a child if you're not allowed to discipline him? After your DH gets his DNA results, if the child's his, I would be setting new rules for the ex, if she doesn't like them, tough. How dare she dictate your life to you. Why is her son with you when your DH isn't there? Is she using you for free child-care?

Original poster

Britstone13 · 06/07/2017 06:35

Yes she is using me for free child care.once she decided he could come back over she's been calling nonstop asking if i can watch him while she works, while she goes over to her abusive ex boyfriends house, while she shops.and if i say no she throws a hissy fit and says we don't want him around and then she keeps him away for months at a time.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 06/07/2017 07:17

Your husband needs to tackle this asap. Stuff what his mother is saying about what he can/can't do. He needs to have a serious word with him, understand why he feels the needs to be violent and start a discipline regime, reward chart, clear punishment etc.... You are better staying out of this as it is for your husband to initiate.

You however have a duty to your children, so however difficult it probably is, I would let your DD alone with him at any time in the future (and your husband needs to explain to him why this is).

As for the ex's threat, your OH needs to be clear with himself how much of a role he wants in this child's life. What would he prepared to do if she were to stop all contact? Would he want to fight nail and tooth for him, go to court etc..., would he want a dna or not (which I think is a question he needs to answer to himself very quickly) or would he be prepared to let his mum rules the roost and forget about establishing contact, and therefore a relationship with the child?

Alittlepotofrosie · 06/07/2017 07:21

If course you can discipline him, the mother is being stupid. If you're good enough to look after him them he should be treated exactly the same as every other child in the household.

troodiedoo · 06/07/2017 07:28

Poor confused kid, feel for him. But your priority should be your daughter, she must feel safe in her own home.

Really tough situation, having to deal with a batshit ex. Good luck

Neverknowing · 06/07/2017 07:48

Wow. How sad for him and your daughter I feel like I already know what kind of a man he's going to grow up to be, please don't let your daughter be bullied by him. She may take that into her life and think it's okay for men to do this to her.
It sounds a difficult situation for you and he's probably very difficult for his mother so she's throwing him at random people to get a break? Would you continue to see that child if the DNA is negative?

Original poster

Britstone13 · 06/07/2017 15:49

I'm not sure.we all love him that's for sure, it's just over the years it has gotten difficult to see him or even handle him when he's here.he use to be able to come around all the time, so much that he was calling me mommy b. But once i got pregnant with my now 10 month old he started telling me and my daughters that he hates us.he even started telling his sisters that he's not their brother.

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 06/07/2017 16:00

I wouldn't ever leave him unsupervised with DD and definately not with the 10 month old.
His behaviour seems spiteful and jealous. I suspect that is due from the environment his mother has created and what crap she tells him. If her other ex was abusive he couldve witnessed anything. Poor kid.

Your DP should've done DNA when the kid was born if he suspected the child was not his.

Original poster

Britstone13 · 06/07/2017 16:17

He was only 17 the first time she took him to court and the judge would not do a dna test because he was a minor.then when he turned 18 he asked for one and the judge still wouldn't do one. The first 3 years of our marriage he tried getting one done through the court and their excuse was they couldn't find his case. So now we've saved the money to go and get a private one done.if he's his then we are going to court to establish better visitation possibly family therapy so it doesn't seem as if we're outing him for anything.because we honestly think it's from what his mom has said to him or around him.maybe the therapy would help all of us as a family

OP posts:

Lemonnaise · 06/07/2017 16:29

In no way, shape or form would I be taking orders from a woman who uses me for free child-care. I have 2 step-kids and they are treated exactly the same as my own, same rules apply to everyone. If their mother told me I wasn't to discipline them, they wouldn't be here. That may sound harsh but I am not living my life being ruled by anyone. Also, I would expect anyone who is looking after my DD to discipline her accordingly in my absence.

Alittlepotofrosie · 06/07/2017 17:35

I think your plan sounds really sensible actually. With that in mind, will dh be willing to sit down with you and ALL the children and set down some ground rules and make it clear to all the children that both of you are able to discipline any of them if its needed? You need a united front. If the boy does something and dh is around then he does the discipline but if he isn't, then you do. at the moment this child thinks he's the boss.

Original poster

Britstone13 · 06/07/2017 18:02

My dh already sat them all down with me and set rules, but my ss response was" well if your wife even tries to put me in the corner or tells me to do something i don't like I'm telling my mom and you won't see me again." my dh tried to explain to him as well as his ex that if hes at work i have to be able to discipline him in some way just as i do with his sisters.she didn't like that at all.i even tried asking what she suggested i do while my dh is working and she wouldn't even speak to me about it.yet she still insists that he come over while his dad is working.I'm just drained mentally and physically

OP posts:

Lemonnaise · 06/07/2017 18:47

In that case Britstone13 don't have her son when your DH isn't going to be there. I think she'll soon change her mind when she doesn't have you giving free child-care.

Birdsbeesandtrees · 06/07/2017 18:52

Absolutely. You do not have him unless your DH is there.

Alittlepotofrosie · 06/07/2017 21:00

I think you're just going to have to bite the bullet and if you have to discipline him as DH is not around then do it and if he does tell his mum and contact stops, well you already have a plan to deal with that by going to court. I think now is the Crunch Time you don't really have much of a co parenting relationship with this woman so I don't think you have anything to lose but in fact the boy has everything to gain by somebody putting some boundaries in place for him.

SteppingOnToes · 10/07/2017 13:36

Call her bluff - she is getting more out of this than you are... All children are treated the same and the hitting stops or you are not providing childcare. It is not your responsibility - get your DH to parent his own son, this is not an issue the ex has caused, it is an issue your DH has caused by insisting you look after his child. His contact days are for his son to spend time with his dad, not his dad's wife (and I'm speaking her as a SM too)

Wdigin2this · 11/07/2017 09:51

This is an impossible situation, and it needs sorting out! Not sure about the DNA test, what will DH do if the child isn't his....stop all contact?

QuiteLikely5 · 11/07/2017 10:00

Shocking just call her bluff and tell the boy off when he is being violent.

Repeat no hitting in the house. No hitting in this house - then let him tell mummy you said that!

Arghh the kid is going to end up so messed up by her sometimes it's better if there's no contact at all!

If she wants you to look after her kids she should at least treat you with respect!!!

Quartz2208 · 12/07/2017 15:12

I think you are right to go down the court route. Firstly get him onto the birth certificate and it set that he is the dad (if he is) then set contact.

Then I tihnk you need to look at whether there are other issues at play as well as that does not sound normal behaviour

Original poster

Britstone13 · 29/07/2017 06:45

That was the problem, she knew these were days it was mandatory for my husband to work yet she insisted on him coming over while dh was working. My ss kept saying he was only at the house because his uncle was unavailable to babysit.since making this first post my dh and i both sat all the kids down and put rules in place(more specifically no hitting) well that didn't work.he came up to my 4 yr old dd (who was standing right in front of my dh and myself) grabbed her wrist and jerked it back saying he was going to break her wrist because she wouldn't give him her toy. My dh told him right then if he did it again he could not come back over. Well... Then he went home to his mom and told her i was the one to say he couldn't come back and that he never touched his sister, she beat him up( mind you hes twice her size) and that he never wants to see his dad again. She responded by telling me we're never allowed to see him again because her son would never lie to her and my dh needed to take her to court to find out hes not the father and that she no longer wants the child support that she receives from him each month...so we're now going thru the court process.

OP posts:

WrittenandGrown · 29/07/2017 06:52

Thanks for the update. So sorry this is such a difficult situation for you. Good luck with the court proceedings, 🍷.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread